Heaven's Gate

The Only Thing Certain

2007-11-06T21:41:00.000-08:00

Mother Lalitamrta left her body Sunday morning at 7:45. Everyone thought she would be here for a while and from what I heard, devotees were surprised that she left so soon. We were away in NJ but were told Mother Lalitamrta's passing was peaceful. She arrived at Gita Nagari Thursday morning and Krishna surely fulfilled her strongest desire: to leave at Gita Nagari with Radha Damodara's devotees.

Tomorrow evening is a memorial service for Mother Lalitamrta at the temple. I would like to go, however, it does not seem possible. Mother Lalitamrta is the first person my children have known who has died and it is striking them, particularly my son, with trauma.

Tonite, while going to bed, they kept asking me why Mother Lalitamrta died. My son, who has recently been curious about cemetaries, was not comforted to hear that devotee bodies do not get eaten by worms and bugs but rather are burned. Maybe I shouldn't have told him, at the tender age of almost four, that he will have to burn my dead body and smash my skull. Clutching on to me, his brown wet eyeballs close enough to touch my cheek, he cried begging me not to make him burn my body.

Embraced in his grip, I kissed his smooth forehead, too young and fresh to show wrinkles of felt stress. He told me that when I die I should just fall down on the ground. Enveloped in his arms, he asked me questions. When I will die. When babu will die. Will Mother Kaulini die. Will we all get new bodies.

These questions dug into my heart and made me feel like a mother. Naturally I wanted to protect my son, scared and uncertain about our future. At the same time, I wanted to introduce him to concepts of reality. After all, I can tell him I will live a long time and die when he is old, but this is an illusion. The only thing certain in life is death, but not when or how it will come.

His soft, pudgy hand squeazed mine tighter and his tears poured from his eyes like warm syrup, watery with form. "I want to die when you die," he kept repeating in a quiver. Just the thought hurt my heart. He wanted me to repeat it to him, but I was hesitant. I didn't want Krishna to hear my promise to my son. But out of sympathy for a not quite four year old mind, I whispered, "Don't worry, Krishna will let you die when I die. We will all die together, I promise. We will always be together."

Simultaneously I felt unethical in my parenting and fearful that Krishna will hear these words as my desires. And then I realized that this was simply what it means to be a parent. Sometimes we just need to sooth our children.

No Pleasure in the Material World

2007-10-31T11:21:00.000-07:00

My husband has been gone since mid-day Friday.

Since his departure, these are the highlights of our life:

*Madhumati pushed a triplet from the top of a staircase
(I caught the baby midway down)

*Madhumati fell down our staircase (she grabbed on to a step and resisted the inertia half-way down)

*Venumahdava totally freaked out when left with my mom Saturday evening

*The kids freaked out M. Taruni when she watched them for 2 hours Monday by throwing books and cars as well as going outside barefoot

*Practically every time I get out of the shower there is a chorus of crying and/or screaming

*I tried to take a nap and was awakend by Venumadhava saying, "I flushed the toilet and the water kept going all over the place." Consequently, the bathroom and the temple room were flooded.

Right now I wish I could be impaled by one of Krishna's shark shaped earrings. Or maybe eat some gunja berries (are those things poisonous?).

Maybe if I put enough wood in the woodstove I will dehydrate. Better yet, maybe I will evaporate.

If only I had money I would buy a tv. No make that a room full of tv's. Wait, I mean a house. Yes, I would build a house from tv's. My kids would be forced to watch it, lulled into a hypnotic trance and I could plug one in and drop it into my bath.

Okay...maybe this post should be called "Suicide Solution." At least I was able to put a smile on my face. Sometimes a woman needs to nourish her inner 15 year old.

Sadhu Sanga

2007-10-30T19:02:00.000-07:00

Today Venumadhava was telling me all about Kuvalapida.

I was surprised that he knew Kuvalapida was a demon elephant. I asked him how he knew so much about Kuvalapida.

"From Narayan."

Narayan is 7 months senior to Venumadhava, lives in my hometown of Sayreville,NJ and attends O.L.V. (Our Lady of Victory)Catholic preschool.

I'm glad my son found some good association for himself.

Can't Keep Up

2007-10-27T22:22:00.000-07:00

So, here I am, in New Jersey. My home state but definitely not my home.

Thursday we stayed at the Sadowski residence. Friday we went to Brunswick Square Mall because I forgot to pack my husband's pants for the plane. We don't get out much, especially to malls, particularly to those malls with that distinctive Jersey flavor. An experience in sensory overload to say the least.

LOUD MUSIC! PLUNGING NECKLINES! SIX FOOT TALL TWO DIMENSIONAL CLEAVAGE!

After the mall I had to stop by Shoprite for some drinks and snacks. Inside I was not prepared for the magnitude of it all. Aside from the crowds of people shopping midday during the week, there was the shock of an eyeglass store as well as a jeweler's shop. Only in Jersey (or Walmart) do people find pleasure in the sheer convenience of buying all their crap in one place.

I grew up in love with New Jersey. The butt of many jokes, I defended New Jersey. From where I stood, the state had everything going for it. Easy access to the beach, mountains and New York. A good highway system. Cheap gas. Lots of hardcore bands and shows.

But now when I visit New Jersey I find very little defendable about the place. While the middle of nowhere Pennsylvania may be populated with hicks, they are at least, for the most part, pious hicks. Unfortunately, I found that the people in the stores I visited in New Jersey reminded me of the parents-turned-pigs in "Spirited Away."

The roads are overcrowded and everything seems to be moving on passion's adrenaline and the swipe of a credit card. True, I have to travel 30 miles to get to the nearest Walmart, the closest store around. But to get anywhere in New Jersey takes at least fourty minute drive anyway because of the traffic.

At least we got to stay with devotees.

Friday nite was a bhajan program organized by Kalpa Vrksa Prabhu at a yoga studio. Kisori's brother even went. As we were driving to the program I was thinking how so much spiritually is going on in New Jersey. Saturday there was a home program and Saturday nite was bhajans for Kartik at Brooklyn (ok, not NJ but still within the 40 minute driving radius). I began to lament not living here. And not being able to ever afford living here, a place where teeny tiny two bedroom houses go for $350,000.

We kept driving. And driving. And driving. It took us an hour to get from Kisori's to the program. It was 8 pm by the time I got my two kids out of the car and up the stairs to the yoga studio. Many devotees were there as well as people from the yoga studio. Kalpa and Kadamba led melodious chanting. Dhokla was had by all. But it was so late at nite and my kids were so freaking out. And that's when I began to curse New Jersey. Terrible New Jersey. Moded New Jersey. Suburban sprawl New Jersey. New Jersey was keeping my kids up late, making them cry. New Jersey was leading me on, tricking me into thinking that my kids would be able to handle a late nite program. After all, all the New Jersey devotee kids were doing okay.

My kids were not okay and neither was I. We will recover, however, when we go home to our quiet house shaded by old growth maples, heated with the radiant warmth of our wood stove. Sometimes it is difficult for me to articulate the benefits and pleasures of the austerity of living at Gita Nagari. Sometimes caught up in the cliche of mode of goodness I take for granted that we are living a life much more in the mode of goodness than my suburban counterparts.

The cost of living in Juniata Valley is drastically lower than the cost of living in New Jersey. Heck, even North Carolina. Our Gita Nagari house is $100,000 less than our North Carolna house making it possible,had we actually gone to India, for my husband to take off 3 months from work and still, by year's end, make ends meet.

New Jersey requires a faster pace of life. This means more energy expended to make money and therefore, more energy expended to enjoy the fruit of one's toils. With so little time on one's hands, the culture is a culture of convenience. For this reason, packaged food seems to make perfect sense in this context. At the same time, I see how having premade, prepackaged food also deadens the awareness for what people eat. Without the effort going into actually cooking and preparing the food, there is very little effort put into eating the food. Rather, people tend to mindlessly consume.

This phenomena occurs everywhere, be it rural, suburban or urban, however I know that out in the country where I live I am not the only one making jam. Preserving and drying the harvest. Fresh baked breads, cakes and pies. Even boiling down your own maple syrup. All of this goes on with frequency in the country. Not only does eating food you took the time to actually cook slow you down at the dinner table but it also helps reduce packaging and consequently post-consumer waste.

At home I take my bucket to the barn and buy my milk, saving the landfill of 5 gallon jugs a week. I make my own yogurt, bake my own bread. We snack on homemade popcorn, fruit and freshly baked pastries. We get clean tasting water not from the store but from our well--free of flouride and chlorine, no plastic bottle required. Fifty pound bags of sugar and 25 pound bags of flour aren't a problem to store in our almost 3,000 sq. ft. farmhouse. And our mortgage (including taxes) is less than some people's car payments.

I'm not trying to brag about our wonderful life out in the middle of nowhere. It has its drawbacks, for sure. But I see how Krishna is showing me the beauty of it. As winter nears and everyone prepares to hibernate around their wood stoves, I have this visit to New Jersey to compare my life against. New Jersey has two things Gita Nagari may never have--shopping and people. But Gita Nagari has my values and my heart.

Hearts on Fire

2007-10-27T21:40:00.000-07:00

Last Saturday we celebrated Rama Vijayotsava Dasera at Gita Nagari. While the grand finale of the festival was the burning of Ravana, the pyrotechnics did not overshadow the the true highlight of the evening: the association of HH Varsana Maharaja.

Everyone was feeling enthused knowing that Maharaja was coming to give the class. Only days before the festival we were asked if he could stay at our home. With great pleasure we said yes. Kiriti and Radharadhya were going to stay with us for the festival and I knew they would be just as excited as we were that Maharaja was staying at our home.

We weren't quite sure when Maharaja would arrives since he drives himself, his health is poor and he has to make many stops along the way. Happily, he arrived a little more than an hour before the start of the program. Although he has a restricted diet, we were unable to get much information on it besides no wheat, only brown rice and salt free of iodine.

When Maharaja arrived at our home I felt so much pleasure and relief. His smiling face and strong upbeat voice flooded our house, immediately putting us at ease. Usually I am nervous in the prescence of sannasis but with Varsana Swami I felt like I was around someone very familiar. This must be because I listen to the dual Mp3's of Maharaja's lectures with great frequency. His Gaura Lila classes are perhaps my favorite by which to cook.

As ridiculous as this sounds, I was expecting Maharaja to be unintelligable in his speech since his reputation as an avedhuta proceeds him. For some reason I thought he would be so engrossed in Gaura Lila that we wouldn't be able to have a recognizable conversation with him.

My husband would say, "Maharaja, would you like to freshen up? Here is the bathroom."

And Maharaja would answer, "Yes, the kirtan was especially sweet today. Let's all go to the Ganges and cool off."

But of course, this was not the case. Maharaja was totally in the here and now, speaking sweetly to us and the children. He was so friendly that I spontaneously told him that I listne to the double Mp3's all the time. That these were my favorite cd's to listen to. He had no idea that these classes were being circulated. His response, "I'm horrified! How Horrible. Who would want to listen to such a thing!"

When my husband asked him if he would like to take prasadam now or after the program, he responded with honest humility that we should do whatever is most convenient for us. My husband again asked him if he would like to take prasadam but this time he insisted we do what was going to work the best for us.

I went into the kitchen to make his plate and then took the kids outside so he could eat in peace.

At the temple HH Varsana Swami gave class on destroying the demon of lust in the heart, complete with Rama pastimes. Longer than a usual Gita Nagari class, Varsana Swami was merciful with his association. Afterwards we had a harinama procession out to the cow field where a huge 10 headed Ravana, built by Acarya Prabhu and his son Vraja Krishna (Mother Leslie made the heads), stood doused in gasoline.

With a flaming spear in hand, Varsana Swami pierced the demon in the heart. Instantly Ravana went up in flames. All the devotees were assembled on the road in front of Ravana, about 40 feet away. Guests had travelled from State College and Harrisburg to witness the burning. I, along with a few other parents, stood directly in front of Ravana with my kids to view the inferno.

And that's when we realized that the whole thing was loaded with rockets. Not only was Ravana burning but he was shooting explosives from his gut. Suddenly the scene became vibrantly crazy as Ravana burned, rockets burst forth into the air exploding with no predictability, rainbow colored sparks raining down from the sky onto the drought inflicted earth. Children writhed and cried, burying their heads into the armpits of parents. It was when a rocket shot onto the road and a young Indian woman in a chartreusse synthetic punjabi barely missed being ignited that we decided to head back to the car and back to the house.

Kiriti and Radharadhya met up with us there and we ate the feast cooked for Varsana Swami. Eventually Mahraja came back to the house and different devotees kept stopping by for darsana. Vrindavani, Mahdumati and Venumadhava were running wild having a great time. My husband then asked Maharaja what time he prefers to take rest. My husband assured him that we would have the kids settled down by 9.

With a look of horror on his face, Maharaja earnestly said, "Don't let my life interfere with their's!"

We really appreciated Varsana Swami's great humility and compassion. I don't think I have ever met a renunciate so mellow around kids before. We have served our fair share of Maharaja's in our 6 years as grhastas and can truly say that Varsana Swami was the easiest of all. He required absolutely nothing, travelling with his own beat up, flattened pillow. His tolerance of the children was obviously a manifestation of his great respect for all of Krishna's devotees, no matter how seemingly insignificant.

We are eagerly awaiting Mahraraja's next visit to Gita Nagari. Hopefully, he will not be too shy and humble to give us his association.

India Trip

2007-10-27T21:32:00.000-07:00

Well, at least one of us is on our way.

Friday me and two sleeping kids dropped my husband at Newark for his journey East. As we approached the airport exit regret that me and the kids weren't going surfaced. But with my soon to be four year old acting like a terrible two year old and the question mark of a room awaiting us (or not awaiting us) inside the gates of Sri Dhama Mayapur, there were just too many wildcards stacked against us.

Cancelling our part of the trip was the logical thing to do. But three thousand dollars lost in cancelled tickets? Logically speaking, I cringe.

To the Slaughterhouse

2007-10-24T06:15:00.000-07:00

The other day we drove to State College to look at the Montessori School of the Nittany. The ride is exactly one hour from our door to the parking lot of the school, which sits a bit on a hill and is a converted suburban house. The Director reminded me a bit of Diane from 'Cheers,' except she wore flowing purple crushed velvet.

We told her we came from Port Royal and she asked us if we were part of the community there. The Hare Krishnas? Indeed. That's when Diane from 'Cheers' in the flowing purple crushed velvet told us about a former teacher that worked at the school. His name was Robert, he was a devotee and he taught there for 8 years.

When we pulled into the driveway we saw a heavy set blonde woman with long dreadlocks getting out of her "Support your local midwife" bumper stickered car. She was there with her baby in tow to pick up her kid. In the playgound, which featured an unusual team unicycle merry go round, I spoke with another mom who was rather well off but very down to earth.

Between the story of Robert and the blonde dreadlocked midwife, were were feeling pretty positive about the school.

After touring the facility filled with beautiful colors, work stations and children's art, my husband was convinced that we would not be able to offer our kids the same positive stimulation in a home schooling environment. What to speak of the social.

Sending our kids to Montessori is a whole paradigm shift for me. My plan was to keep the children amongst devotees, developing their identities as Krishna Bhaktas. We bought land in Alachua. Moved to Hillsborough. Our search for the perfect community to raise the kids ended at Gita Nagari, a place which makes us happy but lacks social opportunities for the kids.

Last week I spoke with Mother Arcana Siddhi and although she favored the idea of moving to Alachua--something my husband and I really don't want to do--she didn't think it was so bad to send the kids to Montessori. The point she stressed was the importance of practicing Krishna consciousness at home. That if my husband and I find joy in Krishna seva, than our kids will too. Also, she pointed out that at this age, the children's days are so structured that the social interaction is limited.

Our plan is to reevaluate the situation regularly, with the onset of pre-teenhood as a major milestone. My husband hopes at that point to travel with Venumadhava to India and make him a man. Not really. But recognizing that other traditions such as Judaism see the age of 12 as a time for taking on the adult responsibility of one's faith, my husband would like Venumadhava to participate in a devotional samskara at this age.

If I thought my kids were headed for life in the asrama, then the zombie box would be a good route. But so far, there has been no bells, fireworks or astrological predictions of that kind.

Mother Samvit, who may be the best homeschooling mom in the world, is wonderful. She is able to raise her kids in a glass box, surrounding them with Krishna consciousness but also opening the world up around them. Maybe because she is like a genius but never pursued higher education, but she has a terrific thirst for knowledge and takes great interest in learning alongside her children. The other day, while studying fingerprints, she discovered how hermaphrodites happen. A few months back, she helped Hanuman make cheese for a science fair. Her family is always reading Prabhupada's books along with Greek Epics.

Her love of learning and her love for her kids combines to form an environment of shelter and stimulus for her family. She has encouraged me all along, saying that she isn't special and anyone can do it.

As my kids get older and get personalities beyond my control, I see that I have to adjust. I have to make intelligent decisions that are going to benefit their personhood. I don't want my kids to be Hare Krishna zombies raised in a box. I want them to develop their intellect, creativity and personality. I want them to become people they themselves will like. Personally I see how my spiritual life is changing now that I am taking my service into my own hands, creating and contributing in ways that inspire me and hopefully others (like my kids!).

I want them to participate in Krishna consciousness by adding to the movement, not the stagnation.

Blessings

2007-10-17T20:27:00.000-07:00

Tonite I finally got on the phone sanga. Hearing him preach from Govardhana fed my soul but also my regrets that I wasn't going to India. Tonite's class was so relevant as Maharaja spoke about grhasta asrama, attachment and Deity worship.

Maharaja always gives the devotees an opportunity to give a shout out at the end of the call. Of course, I said Haribol. To my surprise, Maharaja said he would call me in about 10 minutes after the call wrapped up.

I hadn't talked to him since Vyasa Puja and even then I didn't get the chance to speak much with him. This was to my relief because I always feel terribly embarrassed and self conscious when I speak to him. I can't help but feel like I am a terrible waste of his time.

He called and I tried to be relaxed but that usually means I do the dumb thing of talking over him and interrupting him. He is so patient with me. If he minds, he doesn't let on.

He asked me about India and I was afraid he was going to chastise me for being unreliable but on the contrary,he told me that I would be foolish to leave Gita Nagari during Kartika. And then he blessed my endeavors in jam and writing and encouraged me to resist my karmic inclination towards wanderlust and embrace and develop the opportunities coming my way for service.

It was an inspiring phone call and just what my heart needed.

I got to get myself some new clothes....

2007-10-16T18:39:00.000-07:00

Today I took the kids to Lancaster for a combined jar run/Hands on House expedition. The children's museum was pretty quiet and the kids were busy. I had just been Friday to the museum with Kiriti and Vrindavani. Without a friend there for me, the day was getting a bit tedious. I kept checking my watch despite that fact that it is broken and was sitting at home in my bathroom. My empty wrist only agitated me. All I could think was, "If only I had someone to talk to."

We were working our way from the back of the museum towards the front when I spotted him. Or rather, he spotted me. A tall, bearded strawberry blonde dad of 3 who's age was somewhere in my demographic. He had baggy cargo shorts, a crocheted bag and kids in shell necklaces, tousled hair and tie-dye t-shirts. He started nodding at me, asking me questions, talking about love and energy. I went with the flow.

He was a former Rainbow kid, he new the "Krishnas," his family often lived in a school bus. After too much LSD and a bad sunburn out in some sand dunes, Jesus came to him and he was saved.

I never was much for hippies before joining Krishna Consciousness. In 1998 I remember hearing about the Rainbow Gathering for the first time ever. Naked hippies. Drugs. Good vibes. Halava. None of that appealed to me.

And now, through some stange twist of country living, a desire to wear floor length skirts and a unofficial vow not to spend money on clothing, I've ended up looking like one of them.

The look on his face when he heard the four regulative principles was priceless. It knocked me out of my tie-dyed induced stupor and reminded me exactly what Prabhupada accomoplished. He took a bunch of Hippies and turned them into Happies.

Now to figure out how to refashion my look without inadvertently ending up being mistaken for a Mennonite...

You Can't Buy a Ticket to Vrindavan

2007-10-14T19:28:00.001-07:00

Or Mayapur, for that matter.

After much deliberation and an email from a manager at the Bhaktivedanta Hospital assuring my husband that there surely will not be any hot water in the Gada Building (3,000 Radhanatha Swami disciples + outdoor guiser = cold water for my kids), we decided to call the trip off. At least for me and the kids. My husband will still go to Bombay for November to train the nurses for India's first hospice.

Life pre-children was open to spontenaity, adventure and depending on Krishna. Now I have two little ones depending on me. Before children, flood, pestilence, no place to stay--none of these things would have discouraged me from visiting the Holy Dhama. "Krishna is testing my determination," I would have said. "These are all just obstacles to test my sincerity."

But now with two children, both of whom have grown beyond the totable Baby Bjorn age, I see things differently. "These are signs. Warnings. Krishna is telling me not to go."

This morning Mother Kaulini, without any padding or ginger said, "Well, why don't you ask me what I think. I think you shouldn't go."

"Me neither," I told her.

"Well, then stick to it." Tough but solid advice.

Until an email came from Sastra Prabhu, a sweet devotee who I am disappointed I will not get a chance to meet. My husband, reading the email, called to me from upstairs. Sastra had a flat for us.

I climbed the stairs in disbelief. Nobody had a flat for us. The entire campus of ISKCON Mayapur was booked by the Radhanatha Swami Yatra. My husband read the email. I read the email. He was excited, hopeful. I was shocked.

Didn't my husband see the part of the message which said the owner probably would be resistant to renting it because it was "in need of repairs?".

At least we were both able to laugh about it.

I am really sad that I am not teaching the cooking course and feel horrible that I am leaving Nrsimha Kavaca Prabhu short notice to find a replacement. My disqualification for teaching the course is apparent: A brahmana always keeps his word and here I am backing out a few months before the course.

My primary obligation, however, is to the safety and wellbeing of my children. This is not 1972. Comparisons between my hair-do and the 70's aside, I am not going to thrust my children into a situation with so many unknown variables that the odds are stacked against us to begin with. I won't gamble my children's welfare.

Previously when my husband visited India without me, my eyes would well up with tears. "Vrindavan, Vrindavan, when will I be with you again?".

But now, after five exhausting months trying hopelessly to work out accomodations for my family in Mayapur, the village that everyone says is so great for families, I have expended all my tears. Relief is the sentiment uncreasing my forehead. For the first time in months I feel as though I may get at least a few good, worry free hours of sleep.

And Kartik is coming! Enthused that I will be at Gita Nagari with Mother Kaulini Gopi and Sri Sri Radha Damodara, I am eager to reclaim my life from the clutches of "preparing for the trip." For Kartik I plan to resume going to the temple in the morning 3 days a week, deep clean my house, read read read and chant chant chant. Oh, and roll lots of ghee wick sticks.

My vrata: stay off realtor.com.

As Venumadhava approaches 4, my slow to talk toddler is now a real live kid. He's well mannered, attentive and spontaneously devotional. He's also bored out of his oversized skull. Although he keeps asking for a two wheel bike and a skateboard for his birthday, on a day to day basis he asks for his friends and school. But the thought of moving to Alachua saddens my husband and has me clinging to my 40" custom soapstone kitchen sink.

Going is Coming

2007-10-10T20:06:00.000-07:00

The countdown begins. Well, it would if I actually knew what date it was (the perils of being a stay at home mom....similar to being a resident of an insane asylum. At times). Anyway, I may not know today's date but I do know we are leaving on the 26th.

That is, on the days that the trip is still on. Today it was on. Yesterday morning it was off. There was no way to foresee the difficulty involved with finding a place for me and the kids to stay in Mayapur the month my husband will be in Bombay. Sure, we have a room at the Gada Building but six months ago when we decided on going, I had my hopes set on a flat. With a kitchen. And multiple rooms.

Well, a little austerity won't be the worst thing for me and the kids during Kartik in the Holy Dhama. And Mayapur is so merciful, even if you are sleeping the Dhama accepts that as dandavat seva. I am praying this snippet will make its way into the amnesia realm of my brain so I don't take too much advantage of the Dhama's mercy when I am there.

My husband is concerned for our sanity but I have given him my word that we will all hold it together, with smiles on our faces, and make the best of a situation which could be worse (think Nityananda Huts).

I am having trouble actually planning, worrying, anticipating our upcoming trip due to my jam obsession, which has completely overpowered my life. Feeling like Nancy Reagan, I just wrote to Dina Sarana Prabhu to see if I should make a move with the jam or am I just a dwarf trying to catch the moon.

On top of my jam OCD, my health and vigor has been present in dimminished amounts and I, along with my bronchitis infected children, just visited the doctor for a check-up. Mother Kaulini was so helpful, coming along with us to the doctor's office. She just hung out with us like a (grand)mata, picking up the slack trailing from my too tired parenting.

What I appreciated most, aside from her obvious help, was her constant reminder to keep chanting. Even the next day when I emailed her with some positive news, her response was:

hope you and the kiddies are feeling better today. one step at a time.....chanting all the way...

I loved this email. Here is Mother Kaulini in her three-fold form as (grand)mata, guru and Prabhupada-anuga.

She is my lifeline to this project--not just Gita Nagari but the entire project of my spritual life. Three months is a long time to be away and, although I never do anything for her and she is directly under Krishna's loving thumb, I will worry about her.

*****************************************

The irony of what I wrote just struck me. I am so small and powerless. Mother Kaulini is so dear to the Supreme Lord. And yet I am the one worrying about her. Boy I'm an idiot.

Too Tired to Walk

2007-10-04T18:07:00.000-07:00

This evening I stopped by Mother Kaulini's room to drop off some stuff for her to take to the Women's Retreat. She had just bathed and looked very beautiful and refreshed.

I asked her where she was going to stay at the retreat and she told me how Malati had invited her to stay at her cabin. I thought this was great. Mother Kaulini would be with her dear godsister in a quiet, peaceful place. But Mother Kaulini nixed that idea in favor of staying at the temple.

She said she was too tired to stay so far away from things.

Now, that's tired.

We went milking with Mother Kaulini this evening. As my husband and son were inside the barn, I stood in the barnyard with Madhumati, praying that Krishna would send some relief for Mother Kaulini. At that very moment Mother Taruni pulled up, dropping off her daughter-in-law. Saci had come to milk.

While Saci, newly married and a soon-to-be first time mom, was not exactly who I had in mind, I saw her as a sign from Krishna. Slowly, in unexpected ways, Krishna will send Mother Kaulini relief. Or at least assistance.

Ugra-Karma

2007-10-03T06:02:00.000-07:00

I realize that within the crowd of people who shuns fabric softener, wall to wall carpeting, air conditioning, styrofoam plates, BHT and moth balls I am probably the only one left who still uses a microwave, I am posting this anyway in case there is a kindred spirit out there.

This morning I heated my milk in the microwave. Yes, I feel ashamed to have done this. Taking something as wholesome as fresh organic milk and neutralizing its nutritive value is not very intelligent. Don't worry, I recieved my instant karma a few seconds after removing my mug from the microwave.

As soon as I added sucanat to my mug, which was only 3/4 full, the milk erupted like a volcano all over my arm. Thankfully the mornings are cool now (which is why I wanted the hot milk in the first place) and I had a sweater buffering the scalding milk from my bare arms. But as I type this posting a good five inch swatch of flesh is reddening and swelling. Now I am just waiting for the blister.

My husband heard my screams of surprise and pain and when I told him what happened he told me about a posting he saw on the bulletin board at his hospital. Essentially it had the same information found at this link.

The phenomena is called superheating. Because microwaves heat unevenly, some areas may get tremendously hot, although the area looks still to the naked eye. But upon moving the liquid, or as in my case, addding a powder to it, the liquid explodes like a volcano, burning whatever flesh lay in its path.

Thankfully my husband had seen this posting at his hospital or 1)I wouldn't have understood what just happened to me and 2) My husband would have thought I was some self-destructive loon crying out for attention.

So, there you have it. Another reason why you should trash your microwave and add it to the neverending landfill of this country. Or, if you are like my husband, you will say, "No, you just have to be more careful."

Vyasa Puja

2007-09-28T17:44:00.000-07:00

Namo om visnu-padayakrsna-presthaya bhutale
srimate dhanurdhara swamin iti namine

Dearest Guru Maharaja,

It is exactly 7 o'clock at night on July 2nd. Tomorrow you will visit our home. On the 4th will be a program which seems to be growing by the minute. I've spent the day bhoga shopping with a 3 year old and a 2 year old. I'm so tired, the inside of my face aches. I will probably be up all night preparing for your stay. But I have been thinking about you all day and I know that this is my Vyasa Puja offering. This feeling. This moment. This meditation and service. This love and connection. I have to stop right here and write down my thoughts on the back of this crumbled bhoga list. I have to reach out and grab tight and hold on to this anticipation of your arrival and what it is stirring inside me.

When I came to Krishna consciousness, all of a sudden my material achievements no longer mattered. All I had left were my disqualifications. It was a rather long list. At times it even seemed like the other devotees were reading this list out loud to me with everyone else within earshot.

My services as a new devotee in the Towaco temple included pot washer, floor mopper and toilet scrubber, none of which I did with any prior experience. Morning announcements would often include the head pujari inviting everyone to look around at the temple floor which always, despite my efforts, was abundantly fuzzy with dust bunnies. If the temple room was not cleaned better, I was publicly warned, Sri Sri Gaura Nitai would walk off the altar. Of course, we all knew who would be to blame.

My desire to become humble coupled with my mounting low self esteem quickly morphed into something very unhealthy for my spiritual life: pride in being a fool. From where I was standing, everyone thought I was the greatest idiot. I was determined, toilet brush in hand, to fulfill this prophecy. As the saying goes, anything is possible if you put your mind to it.

One day, not too long ago, through your inspiration, I began writing from inside my heart. I wrote about my days at home with my kids. My evenings at the barn with Mother Kaulini. Radha Damodara and cows. Or in other words, my life as it is. I began this exercise knowing very well how miniscule and uninteresting I am but how extraordinary and inspirational Gita Nagari is to the devotees. My desire was to share my experiences of the glories of Gita Nagari and the Dhama's dearmost servant, Mother Kaulini.

And then, as only Krishna arranges, things began to change.

Relationships with devotees developed and deepened. Appreciation for the devotees swelled in my heart. As reciprocation, my pride in being a fool withered in the face of actively attempting to approach humility. By developing love for the devotees, my love for myself (in relation to Krishna) increased. Simply, I began to feel good about myself for the first time in a decade. Krishna consciousness became a transformative experience of open hearted self expression.

I felt inspiration coming from you as some kind of direction through supersoul manifesting externally as my own impulse to write. And then we spoke about writing. Just a little. But from this short conversation I realized what had occurred to affect such a change in my consciousness and in my heart.

What happened was someone had shown some faith in me. I have no special abilities. I am, essentially, the same person I was 10 years ago when I joined, unable to properly mop a floor or clean a toilet. What I lacked was the empowerment achieved by getting the mercy of an empowered devotee.

After years of wilting in the too strong sun of rules and regulations, finger pointing and fault finding and judgemental Manichean conceptions of good devotee/bad devotee, my self esteem, dessicated and cracked, has been rejuvinated by the wellspring of your association. I cannot even begin to tell you what this means to me.

With true realization of the word "gratitude,"
your servant,
Devadeva dasi

Heaven's Gate: Doppelganger

2007-09-27T22:09:00.000-07:00

*Note: These pictures have nothing liminal to do with this posting

This morning I had the following email in my inbox:

Hey, we've been enjoying keeping up reading your blog, but I've been
wondering about the name Heaven's Gate. You know it's the same name as a
famous suicide cult?

I meant to paste this:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heaven's_Gate_(cult)

I hope I'm ok asking, but I must admit to being a little perplexed. Did you
know about this already? I hope my asking isn't offensive -- I never can
tell for sure on my own, and often make that dreadful mistake with my pesky
curiousity!

When I began this blog, I wanted to give it a name which would focus my postings to my life in Krishna consciousness and my life at Gita Nagari. After bandying about different names, none of which were memorable enough for me to recall now, I settled on Heaven's Gate. Purposely naming my blog after castrated, white Nike wearing interplanetary suiciders was not a whimsical decision.

Ten years ago I ran away from home to join the temple, leaving a note on my parent's kitchen countertop. As some sort of wonderfully bizarre coincidence, the Heaven's Gate cult made it into the news the same week as a result of their mass suicide, thus thoroughly freaking my mother out to a previously unpredicted realm of hysteria.

In the little nook of Iskcon which I fell into at the time, cult mentality was all the rage. At the Towaco temple, which was mostly occupied by under 25 year old brahmacaris, this cult mentality played itself out in juvenille, harmless ways like young men arguing whether or not their dhoti should be tied or rolled or having an ice cream party amongst themselves and sending the empty Breyer's container over to the brahmacarini's. You know, so everyone gets their fare share.

Then, in 1998 I moved to Gita Nagari and the cult flavor, which I care not to get into here, definitely was of a varitey I had never experienced before. I stayed at Gita Nagari only a little under 2 years, leaving before the Y2K disaster that never happened. However, the impact that time had on my life, my self esteem, my intelligence and just my overal disfuntion in the world is something I am slowly ridding myself of. Over the years, living away from Gita Nagari and getting the association of other devotees, I have been able to positively decompress from that time.

Shockingly to myself, just a little over a year ago, I moved here, back to this place I once vowed never to even visit. So, when I named my blog I wanted to pay homage to the cultiness of my life, a cultiness which in a really strange way I am, in the end, able to express some gratitude for. After all, it was a factor which is still shaping me into the person I am becoming now, a person who, with a lot of effort, isn't that bad.

There are other, less culty reasons for the blog name. In a literal context, Gita Nagari is the Holy Dhama and I am living just 1.1 miles down the road from the farm. And once I get onto the farm, it is often difficult to shake the Talking Heads from my internal radio as I ramble down the farm road, past the places "where nothing ever happens!"

Kala-sarpa

2007-09-25T10:42:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow begins the milk yajna in my kitchen. Within two days I will transform 25 gallons of milk into paneer. To prepare, I spent the morning doing a maha-cleanup of my kitchen. I've never made palak paneer in quantity (I still have no idea how much spinach I need...will 6 cases be too much or too little?!!?), I have faith that if my kitchen is in a proper state of cleanliness, Krishna will carry what I lack.

The days just seem to get busier. Just even a few months ago I firmly believed that Krishna can expand time and He would do so on a regular basis on my behalf. Now, I am not so sure. It seems like there is never enough time. Maybe it is because I am getting older and my body doesn't bounce back as well from sleepless nites of fruitive work or maybe it is because my kids are getting older and don't nap or stand still for more than a few seconds in the day.

Yesterday we unexpectedly stopped by the home of some great devotees. These devotees are enthusiastic and service minded. And yet they were spacing out in front of the tv, watching some really lame show on TNT with pentagrams and CSI lighting and smooching. My kids saw the smooching. I wasn't very happy about this but was at least able to use the moment as an example of illicit sex. Not for devotees.

After that, we drove to the farm to see the Deities. Mother Kaulini's milk van was at the barn, even though it was only 6 o'clock. I told Mother Kaulini about the lame-o tv show and how I just couldn't understand how these devotees managed to find time to even watch tv.

My husband and I have had this conversation before. We don't even know when we would be able to watch tv if we had tv because the kids keep us so busy. But I guess that is the whole idea, transform your living room into an opium den with tv as the opiate. Sedate the kids so that you have free time to...what? Watch tv!

Mother Kaulini's response was simple and straightforward. What else could it be? With a pained look on her face, tired from three decades of service, she let go of Kisori's utter and said with a sigh, "Time is so valuable."

Fruit Epiphany

2007-09-23T06:49:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, about fifteen minutes before my husband left for Baltimore, we heard a rumble in our driveway--a sort of gravel Gita Nagari doorbell. It was Acarya Prabhu and Mother Sudevi. They came offering gifts of fruit.

Paw paw, or wild custard apple, is a fruit unlike any other which I have tasted. Abudantly growing from the forest trees, paw paw manages to be both domestic and exotic at the same time. Shaped like a small sweet potato, its peel resembles that of a green, smooth apple. And its taste? Just like perfume.

Last week while driving to Radharadhya Prabhu's birthday party Mother Kaulini was telling us about the Indian variety of custard apple, which is also known as Sita-phala because it is Sita Devi's favorite fruit. I remember Mother Kaulini commenting that this fruit tastes just like perfume.

Oddly addictive at first, the exotic taste reeled me in. Then, after about the third one, the perfumey taste simply sent my stomach reeling. Definitely not a fruit for overindulging.

Last nite I made a plum spread which is simply delicious. Rich and velvety, the texture gave me a lot of realization about the jam making process. Although this year's canning season is almost over, I am eagerly looking forward to next summer when I can implement some new techniques in my jam kitchen.

Now I just have to wait and see what comes of the endeavor. Normally when people think of a business venture, they think material in terms of success and failure. Success means profit and failure means financial loss. But to a devotee, success or failure means Krishna or Maya. I am leaving everything in His hands.

"She should be treated like a sannyasi"

2007-09-21T19:59:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I spoke with Mother Kiriti on the phone. Emaphatically she spoke about Mother Kaulini.

"She should be treated like a sannyasi."

Upset about the excessive services undertaken by Mother Kaulini, especially considering her age, Mother Kiriti's voice, normally quite mellow and even, edged forward in an upward arc of emotion.

"You mean to tell me that out of all the grhastas there, no one can help her with the milking?"

Now she had me. In the past my husband and son would go at least once a day to milk alongside the Gopi. When my husband was working, me and the kids would show up at the barn just to keep her company, pet Salauni and Kisori and relax in the cooling rays of Mother Kaulini's association. But, without offering excuses, I admit we've slackened.

Tonite we made it to the barn, thanks to Mother Kiriti's long distance chastisement. Fourty pounds of milking went quickly. After the cows were herded into the side pasture and their water filled, Mothe Kaulini, Madhumati and I sat upon the makeshift cinder block steps of the barn looking out on the sunset, honey and coral.

Moments like these, relaxed and natural, are the best time to get Mother Kaulni's association. I asked her about the buildings on the property and I found out that Mother Kartamisa's apartment was the original temple kitchen (when the BA was the temple) and Satsvarupa Maharaja's office. The store used to be Lilananda's Yogi Bar factory, complete with food packaging machines and loading dock. Apparently the business got too big and they couldn't keep up.

After some time talking and some time chanting, my husband shut the water off, Mother Kaulini checked under our cars for kitties, and we drove off, leaving Mother Kaulini and the barn cats behind. When we left she was worrying about Vamana, an orange and white kitty with an extra toe on each foot. He didn't come in the barn for milk tonite and was not at all active. Seeing Krishna residing within the heart of this little dhama bhasi, Mother Kaulini stroked him, held him and couldn't stop worrying about him. Not in an overly sentimental, mundane way, but in the mood of Krishna's servant, a mother.

She should be treated like a sannyasi. But she would never allow that. She wants to be treated like a Mother, always serving.

Gopi-lila

2007-09-21T19:50:00.000-07:00

This morning I recieved an email from Manjari Lila with the link to Hari Bhakta's blog. Going back a few pages, the blog is about life in India, writings about poopy smells on the road and the quaintness of small town life. I learned from his blog that he was engaged learning panca karma treatment at an ayurvedic hospital. And then his postings abruptly changed when Gopi-lila was diagnosed with cervical cancer.

Her life is now a life of pain, vomitting and diarhea. I remember when we lived next door to one another above the Deities at New Vrindavan. Her husband was always away working, so it was just her and Gopal, her mo-mo addicted son. All I can say about Gopi is that I really liked her. She has a golden heart, not at all sticky sweet. More like real and experienced, but not hardened.

As I read Hari-Bhakta's blog, I prayed for Gopi and her family. Gopal must be about 8 now and I have no idea how old her daughter is (small). Of course I identify with her situation--she is not much older than I am and she has little kids. Her cancer is very advanced. Is this the end? Only Krishna knows. But the stress they all must be experiencing as a family, what to speak of Gopi's personal sojourn, has me pausing throughout my day, examining my mind, my actions and my existence. What am I doing? Death can come at any minute.

Post-Jewish Guilt

2007-09-20T19:28:00.000-07:00

This week has been hi-jacked by small projects: canning, getting ready for India, my husband researching changing jobs. Constants such as cooking, laundry and sweeping remain just that. Venumadhava and Madhumati also fall into that category since they are always home and don't seem to be making any plans on their own yet.

Next week is Vyasa Puja which means more cooking and lots of mental speculation. Exactly how many cases of spinach will I need for palak paneer? What time do I have to wake up to ready myself and two kids and 10 gallons of palak paneer to get into the car and arrive in NJ at 9 am? Will my children occupy themselves while I prep and bake tray after tray of stuffed karela at Kisori's house?

All this activity, physical and mental, is not only time consuming but tiring. Is it spiritual life or is it taking time away from spiritual life? To what extent do I see Krishna in my activities? To what extent do these activities make me feel closer to Krishna?

Gita Nagari is a sleepy temple. A farm with no farming going on, if it were not for the beautiful milkers nuzzling their calves when you drive onto the property, one would surely expect to see tumbleweeds blowing across the dirt road. Although things are going on, many of which by the sheer industriousness of Mother Kaulini, more could be happening. Grhastas such as myself could be contributing more time, money and labor to the project.

Yesterday my husband and I were discussing our own personal productivity, which has increased greatly since moving here. It is not that we are just more involved with the temple but our Gita Nagari life (complete with our 1834 house) has somehow fostered hobbies and chores at home by which we are also engaged.

But the more resources consumed by our activities at home, naturally, the less there is to contribute to the temple. Is this selfishness?

I think the aswer is "no." And "yes." Fixing up our house and using it to host devotees, being happy grhastas with a healthy Krishna conscious family life, hosting programs, etc., all this positively contributes to the community. But the temple is lacking manpower. Even by just going to the temple for darsan we leave some dust, some mess which someone has to clean up.

Mother Kaulini is there, thirty-one years now, working for Radha Damodara and Prabhupada, pushing on in the face of an aging, deteriorating body and little to no association. Repetition has no negative connotation to her. Boredome is not an issue. No heat in the winter no cool air in the summer. Hot water? What do you think this is, Vrindavan? Austerities of the mind and body abound yet Mother Kaulini faces each day with the enthusiasm of a new bhaktin.

When I see Mother Kaulini, one thought naturally arises in my heart:

What have I done for Srila Prabhupada today?

Sri Radha-Stotram

2007-09-19T20:23:00.000-07:00

Radha is in the home, Radha is in the forest, and She is both behind and before me. I worship the all-pervading Radhaji, wherever She is present.

Radha is on my tongue, Radha is in my ears, Radha is in my eyes and inside my heart. I worship Radhaji, who is within the bodies of all.

Radha is in my puja, Radha is in my mantra-japa, Radha is in my prayers. Radha is in my memory, and Radha is in my head--I worship that Radhaji.

Whenever I sing, I sing about the qualities of Radha, everything I eat is Radha's prasada, wherever I go I always remember Radha, Radha is in the night, Radha is in the day--I worship that Radhaji.

Radha is the sweetness within anything which is sweet; of anything that is important, Radha is the most important; and of everything that is beautiful, Radha is the supreme beauty--I worship that Radhaji.

Radha is an ocean of nectarean rasa, Radha is the flower bud of all good fortune, Radha is the foremost gopi of Vraja--I worship that Radhaji.

Because Radha's face is like a spotless lotus flower, She is known as Padma. She is worshipped by Brahma who appeared on the lotus emanating from Visnu's navel, and when She was first discovered by Her father, She was resting upon a lotus--I worship that Radhaji.

Radha is eternally immersed in Sri Krsna, Krsna is certainly always immersed in Radha, and Radha is the queen of Vrindavan--I worship that Radhaji.

Radha's name is on the tip of my tongue, Radha's beautiful form is always before my eyes, descripions of Radha's fame are always in my ears, and Radha always resides in my mind.

Whoever regularly recites with great care this prayer spoken by Sri Krsna will attain loving service for the feet of Sri Radha-Krsna.

Srimati Radhika worships Sri Krsna in Her heart and mind, and Krsna worships Srimati Radhika in His heart and mind; Sri Krsna attracts Radhika's heart and mind, and Radhika attracts Krsna's heart and mind. Whoever lovingly recites this prayer will become similarly attracted to the lotus feet of Sri Radha-Krsna.

Attachment

2007-09-18T07:13:00.000-07:00

As my husband jogs downhill, pushing our two little ones in the stroller, Krishna illustrates, in three dimensional color flesh (and blood)what attachment is.

Attachment looks like the quickening wobble of the front wheel of the stroller. Attachment sounds like the undulating vvvrrrr! vvvvrrrr! vvvrrrr! of that wobble.
Attachment feels like my heart plummeting to my stomach, and my stomach ricocheting off my toes and up through my mouth (almost) as that front wheel accelerates forward, separating from the stroller. Attachment smells like fresh grass and wet diaper and hot gravel and baby shampoo. Attachment tastes like my daughters blood spilling forth onto my lips as I embrace her swollen face.

Spontaneous in all the wrong places...

2007-09-15T17:33:00.000-07:00

This weeks's theme definitely has to be spontaneity. This morning Mother Acuyta called from the temple. She decided to start a Bhagavad Gita study group and my family was invited. First meeting: Today at 4 o'clock. Without giving it much thought I tried to get out of it. Without giving it much thought I said I would be there.

We invited Kirtan Rasa over to play today. Our days are usually family centered, with me being the sole source of amusement, consolence, chastisement, sustenance and supervision throughout the day, especially when my husband is away. With Kirtan Rasa here, my son was occupied for hours. Seven hours to be precise. The only tending to I had to do was prepare a late lunch and tell the boys to clean up the toys. Madhumati wasn't into playing cheetah so she hung out in the kitchen with me.

Oh, and this week I started a home business, not off the cuff so to speak but definitely without too much overintellectualizing. If the paperwork goes well, I should be selling my products (jams and preserves) at the Carlisle Farmer's Market this May.

I really appreciated Mother Acuyta's spontaneous effort; getting together with the devotees this evening for BG discussion, kirtan and a delicious crisp was an unexpected yet welcomed diversion to a week of overplanned stress.

My home business quickly morphed from an idea of selling jars of sweet, fruity stuff on-line to devotees to an actual physical location where people can physically fondle the jars, curiously gazing at candied threads of saffron suspended in peachy sweety goo.

The only downside to spontaneity is that all the must-do's have not gotten done. Did I find another reason not to try and uncover that spontaneous love for Krishna buried deep within the mine shaft of my black heart? If I spontaneously loved Krishna, when would I fold the laundry? Who would scrape the foamy mess off the roof of the porch where the carpenter bee holes got filled in?

But if I spontaenously loved Krishna, I guess I wouldn't care about those things...

Hands On House

2007-09-11T21:33:00.000-07:00

Today I took the kids to Lancaster to go to the children's museum, Hands On House. We had a lot of fun, despite the museum being a bit small compared to the one in NC and Philadelphia (which was too crazy and expensive...we just hung out in the gift shop).

Driving through Lancaster was sense gratification for me. Stores! Marshalls! Michaels! Giant! Fancy Gas Stations! Multiple Lanes! Stop Lights! I don't get out much and when I do I have the tendency to feel sort of fresh off the boat.

At the museum I met a nice woman named Crystal. She lives near Reading, her kids have weird names and she was raised in a religious cult, much like my own kids. Now she is into good vibes and open minds. We hit it off and will hopefully get together sometime.

I don't get much opportunity to speak with non-devotees so I am always a bit self-conscious when I do. Today I noticed how what I say or how I act in these situations is informed by what I think someone thinks about the devotees. I caught myself doing this a few times. Apologizing or explaining a bit too much. Like, why bring up Y2K or feel silly about my name. Not that it is a devotee name but that it is a name of Vishnu, not Krishna. Not feminine. Not a name I would give my daughter.

People often ask how I became a devotee. How do I answer this? Do I give a canned answer, neat and trim, fitting nicely into a package? Or do I speak from my heart, openly, exposing my own character limitations as well as the limitations of the "organized" part of my religion? I am not answering questions as a sort of PR for the Hare Krishnas. Some one already has that job. In my own life, I want to have genuine exchanges with other human beings, spirit soul to spirit soul.

The need for practical service

2007-09-10T19:26:00.000-07:00

The past week has simultaneously kept me very engaged in Krishna's service while showing me how little taste or interest I have for the whole process of devotional life. Instead of organizing my life in such a way so that I am fully focused on hearing, chanting and raising Krishna Conscious children, I set about to organize planned distractions from the Absolute Reality. The only result is suffering. Yet I am so in the mode of passion that I cannot slow down long enough to feel that suffering.

Still, the past week was good. And the good in it is owed to the devotees in my life who engaged me in Krishna's service. Would I have picked so many flowers and poisonous berries for the altar had it not been for Mother Sudevi's phone calls? I know the answer is 'no' because I really kept forgetting. And forgetting. And forgetting. Thank Krishna Mataji is no longer completely off the grid and has a phone now!

Would I have made the kachoris for Prabhupada's feast if it were not for Mother Kaulini asking me? Persistantly asking me. No, I know I would not have. Sure, maybe a dozen for his plate but for the entire feast? After my husband was away for 2 weeks? No way.

But I did. I stayed up all night. The dal wasn't soaked long enough, so I had to cook it and cook it and cook it (burning the bottom of 3 pots in the process). Then after rolling and frying approximately 80 kachoris I realized the filling was not enough. I soaked dry green peas and began cooking them in the morning. The kachoris all fried beautifully, floating to the top of the ghee, gently ballooning.

It felt good to do this service for Prabhupada and his devotees. Once again, I am grateful to Mother Kaulini.

This experience reminded me of an excerpt at the beginning of Dhanurdhara Swamis newest book, Greetings from Vrindavan. On page 2 he writes:

A talk with a vrajavasi friend: I told him that the Sandarbhas supported Srila Prabhupada's stature as a Vaisnava scholar because whatever Srila Prabhupada emphasiized was so congruent with the emphasis of Srila Jiva Goswami, the author. One point stressed is the necessity for praactical service. My friend also began to glorify practical devotional service.

A few paragraphs later...

My friend then described how he became attracted to his teacher. He heard that this man was a renowned scholar, but when he went to see him, his teacher was simply sweeping the floor. He explained the deep impression that this had on him: Although he studies diligently under his teacher and is now himself a scholar, my friend still goes out every day for at least three hours of menial service at his teacher's asrama. Because the essence of Gaudiya Vaisnavaism is changing one's ego to "I am a servant," he explained, this activity helps him obtain a practical realization of the quintessence of his studies.

I really liked this passage. To me, this is what it means to be a balanced devotee. Unlike the devotee in this story, Mother Kaulini is at the opposite end of the spectrum. Her day is flooded with practical service and I see her hunger for hearing. She will wait hours for a Sivarama Swami class to download. Either Bhurijana Prabhu or Srila Prabhupada blast from her iPod while she is cooking. She is the most eager for everything: hearing and practical service.

When will that day be mine?

Vyasa Puja

2007-09-04T14:47:00.000-07:00

Dearest Srila Prahbupada--

Please accept my humblest and most respectful obeisances. Glories, glories unto your shelter giving lotus feet.

As your Vyasa Puja nears, my meditation on you naturally increases. And my realization is, despite reading your books, living in your temples and associating with your devotees, I don't know you. You so mercifully descended as shaktya-vesa-avatar to elevate degraded souls like myself. To know you is to be Krishna conscious. Instead of taking advantage of every opportunity you have presented to me, I continue to carry on in ways incompatible with human behavior.

Often I fall victim to my mind, which tells me Krishna consciousness is too hard, too contrary to contemporary life. My mind takes shelter of a malaise induced by the watering down of the philosophy, the watering down of the culture and the watering down of the practice. I begin to ask myself, "How is what Prabhupada established more than 40 years ago relevant today?."

Throughout our house, we have photographs of you hung on practically every wall. There you are in our kitchen, sitting amongst 108 rose bushes at the Los Angeles temple. While we honor prasadam, you smile at us, satisfied and pleased, surrounded by your devotees in Detroit. As the children play in the toy room, you recline, again smiling, recieiving the first copy of the Caitanya Caritamrta. I feel your love for all of us endeavoring to know you in the warmth of your smile, captured behind a pane of glass, hung on our walls. Reassuring. Reminding. Relevant.

Over 500 years ago Lord Caitanya descended in the most degraded part of India to propogate the chanting of the Holy Name. Nityananda Prabhu and Haridasa Thakur, the most oddly matched sankirtana partners, went out daily begging the impious atheistic people to take up this chanting and simply worship Hari. Jagai and Madhai, the epitiomy of not following the four regulative principles, recieved the mercy of Sri Nityananda and were elevated to the platform of devotees. But, that was 500 years ago.

More recently, but still a lifetime ago for me, you came to the West to carry on this same sankirtana mission by methods more similar than different to Lord Caitanya and His associates. Presenting Krishna consciousness as it is; book distribution, harinama and prasadam distribution were introduced by you to your new devotees, who like me, were practically all Jagais and Madhais before recieving your mercy.

In the purport to CC Adi-lila 8.20, you wrote:

Lord Caitanya Mahaprabhu delivered the two fallen brothers Jagai and Madhai, but the entire world is presently full of Jagais and Madhais, or, in other words, woman-hunters, meat-eaters, gamblers, thieves and other rogues, who create all kinds of disturbances in society. The activities of such persons have now become common practices. It is no longer considered abominable to be a drunkard, woman-hunter, meat-eater, thief or rogue, for these elements have been assimilated by human society. That does not mean, however, that the abominable qualities of such persons will help free human society from the clutches of maya. Rather, they will entangle humanity more and more in the reactions of the stringent laws of material nature.

In the same paragraph you continued:

Actually, in modern human society, everyone is greedy and lusty, and therefore the only means for deliverance is Sri Caitanya Mahaprabhu’s sankirtana movement, which can promote all the Jagais and Madhais to the topmost position of sattva-guna, or brahminical culture.

Be it 500 years ago, 40 years ago, or a minute a go, the goal is the same: to restablish our loving relationship with Krishna. Due to my senses coming in contact with material energy, I have the tendency to think sometimes that the methodologies of spreading Krishna consciousness are outdated. Most prominently I see that as I try to raise my children. Overwhelmed by my shortcomings and a long list of "Prabhupada saids" that I struggle to incorporate into my childrens' upbringing, it is easier to question their relevancy than to endeavor to fulfill your desire that the "[c]hildren grow to be the topmost leaders of human society (letter to Hamsadutta, Jan 22, 1968)."

Any doubts I have about the relevancy of your lawbooks in today's context only shows my inablility to surrender my mind to you Srila Prabhupada, my dear Grandfather, who I know only has my best interest at heart. Any doubts I have about the relevancy of your lawbooks in today's context exposes me as the cheater I am.

You transformed drugged out, sex crazed hippies into followers of Mahaprabhu. It is true that your arrival in America coincided with a socially advantageous time where the establishment of a youth counter-culture open to new experiences assured that your initial followers would come from the hippie segment of society. Yet these open minded people were especially open minded to the grossest activities. Free love, women's rights, black power, gay liberation, the youth of the 1960's were not just countering their parents' culture but they behaved in a way completely antithetical to human life, what to speak of devotional life.

Although your books were written 30-40 years ago, they are even more relevant today as Kali Yuga progresses and the Golden Age diminishes. Society continues to degrade itself and I feel, by your mercy, my responsibility to give Krishna consciousness to others. To effectively do this requires the staunch faith of a Prabhupadanuga. On the auspicious occasion of your appearance, I beg for your mercy to continue upward and onward in Krishna consciousness with ever increasing faith in your words. I beg to feel the urgency of your mission, which is more relevant to my life than air.

Always desiring your association, hankering for your prescence, lamenting my disqualifiations, your very insignificant servant who privledges her mind and self interest over her intelligence and serving devotees,

Devadeva dasi

Jhulan Yatra

2007-09-02T01:41:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday to...

2007-08-31T22:50:00.000-07:00

Today we celebrated Mother Kaulini's birthday (which actually took place yesterday). A surprise party was scheduled at 1 at our house. Since it was the middle of a weekday and only the third day of school for the children, I did not expect many devotees to come.

How silly of me. If Radha Damodara are the heart of the community, Mother Kaulini is certainly the lungs, a silent worker infusing the temple with steady breathes of life. Although most everyone was late (including Mother Kaulini), in the end there were at least 35 spirit souls assembled to celebrate the happy occasion.

As soon as she entered through the doorway, she pushed her hand against her eyes to hold back the tears. Mother Kaulini is such a prominent figure at Gita Nagari and yet she has such a humble heart that she was truly surprised we would have a party for her.

After her initial bout with emotion, she headed into the kitchen asking, "What can I do to help?".

"Here," I said engaging her so not to disturb her mood as servant to the devotees, "put this spoon in the sink for me."

Quickly finishing up in the kitchen, we all assembled in the prasadam hall where brief comments were spoken about Mother Kaulini's 31+ years at Gita Nagari. We found out she joined at the same age which Satsvarupa Maharaja joined, 26. This means she has been a devotee 35 years. Another note of trivia, she shares the same birthday as Malati Prabhu (but Malati is older).

From my time spent with Mother Kaulini I knew that she loves sandwiches. A particular favorite is tofu with avocado. Today we had tofu/guacamole/sprouts sandwiches with tomato soup, potato chips and carob brownie cake. This was my gift to her. Mother Purana brought lemone-ade and Mother Taruni ran home to get the 3 boxes of ice cream she bought but forgot at home.

When we sang "Hare Krishna to You" followed by "May you never take birth again..." Mother Nanda-patni, who made a special trip from the DC area for the party, said she wasn't going to sing the last one. She said she knows she's taking birth next life and that she needed someone as good as Mother Kaulini for association. It was a sweet nod to their longstanding friendship.

Gifts were good. There was a beautiful picture frame and also a framed photo of Jagannatha (Mother Kaulini's) from last year's Ratha Yatra. And then there were the gifts from Mother Ortrun and Mother Nanda-patni, Mother Kaulini's wordly, exotic friends. They bought her soft bath towels and fancy lotions (one with the name "silk pajamas") and a new nightgown. Things I would never in a million years think of buying for my austere, renounced mata. Things she really liked and said she needed.

Of course, she said she was going to use one of the new towels for Giriraja. I joked that she was going to massage His hands with "silk pajamas." The way she laughted at this joke made me think, "Hey, you never know!".

We were hanging out on the back porch and slowly the crowd thinned out. Just when I thought everyone was going, I went inside and found some toddlers playing in the woodstove room, a devotee reading in the temple room and teenagers hanging out on the front porch. A place for everyone and everyone in their place. It felt so fun and fulfilling to have the devotees over. Our house felt alive and useful, its sized dwarfed a bit by its sheer utility.

On the back porch, Mother Kaulini, Mother Taruni, Mother Ortrun and Mother Nanda-patni, along with me and my kids, hung out until late in the afternoon. I love times like this when I can be around Mother Kaulini with her friends. Her mood is different than when it is just she and I. Amongst her peers, she can relax. She doesn't have to preach or sooth a troubled mind. Or have to listen to a troubled mind that doesn't want to be soothed. She can just relax in an old rocker and exhale.

The Last Day to Swing Radha Damodara: Balarama's Appearance Day

2007-08-31T19:21:00.001-07:00

For me this the Jhulan Yatra Festival is one of the fringe benefits of living at Gita Nagari. Surrounded by Their devotees Sri Sri Radha Damodara are brought out to Their kunja where we all have an opportunity to swing Them. When I first lived at Gita Nagari, this was my favorite part of the year. In this regard, not much has changed from those days.

Barefoot, soil dark and moist like coffee grounds between my toes, the experience speaks to my senses. Bali Prabhu, who's largess of smiles reminds me that devotional service is joyful, raises the conch to his mouth and somehow manages to blow it mid-grin. Kirtan is sweet and harmonious, blending into the surroundings with the call of birds and the staccato of insects. Radha Damodara, glistening in the natural light, swing to and fro, veil and chaddar billowing silk. Dank and musty, sweet and grassy, the scents of the Dhama lure me into my natural state. For the briefest moment, I feel what it must be like to be a devotee, a servitor of the Lord. I participate in the enactment of the pastime. Here and now. One day, forever and always.

I have many nice photos from the Swing Festival and will try to post them as time goes on.

Sunday at Potomac

2007-08-30T19:00:00.000-07:00

Sunday we visited Potomac temple. The kids and I were staying at my in-laws while my husband flew to San Diego for hospice training. Cooped up in the house all morning, I took the kids to the temple early. We got there at 3. They were done by 4. The program didn't begin until 5:30. We left at 5:25.

The place has changed a lot since I lived there in 2000 and 2001. The temple room floor is now beautifully tiled in marble. The half of the grhasta asrama where I lived with Samvit, Jambavan and Hanuman is now a one family apartment complete with kitchen and back deck. Children's toys are everywhere on the property.

But Lilananda Prabhu is still there, always thinking about Gita Nagari and how to serve in two places at one time.

Caitanya Nitai Prabhu is still cooking in the kitchen, cracking jokes and just being an all around wonderful example. I was so happy to see him. Without a doubt his heart is devoted to Krishna. Easily he could have left the temple years ago and gotten some kind of job at someone's shop. Anyone who knows him would attest to the fact that he is extremely affable and would make a fantastic saleseman.

But he chose to stay in the temple. Married to Radha Bhavani and the father of two very cute boys, Mohan and Arjun, he truly is living an enviable life.

Venumadhava and I hung out with Mohan. The boy is very cute, talkative and funny. Loaded with personality, Mohan reminded me every bit of his father. I am sure he will be very succesful in his life.

Quite a few small kids live on the temple property and their parents are all engaged in service. These devotees are living the life I wanted to live. And yet, as a mother of two small children, I honestly can say I don't know how they manage temple service and their family commitments. The situation is austere and I wouldn't be surprised if it may be frustrating at times. But the benefit is unimaginable.

My mind flickers "if only I was more renounced." But what is renunciaton?

O Arjuna, when one performs his prescribed duty only because it ought to be done, and renounces all material association and all attachment to the fruit, his renunciation is said to be in the mode of goodness. Bg 18.9

Bee Mine

2007-08-28T21:31:00.000-07:00

This morning I asked Venumadhava to pick some flowers and offer them to Gaura Nitai.

After doing so, he rushed in the kitchen and with excitement invited me to come see.

"I picked the flowers and put them on the altar. I got one with a bee on it!"

A flower with a bee on it. On Gaura Nitai's altar. My son's special offering to Sri Nityananda Balarama was odd but somehow appropriate, reminding me of Balarama's sweet tooth for honey.

Festival days are special as the mercy inspires service. In turn, the service inspires meditation. With a bee buzzing about Sri Sri Gaura Nitai, my mind began to wander that forest of Vraja...

Balarama's Appearance

2007-08-27T22:33:00.000-07:00

To propagate this fundamental principle, we are establishing a Krsna-Balarama temple to broadcast to the world that worship of Gaura-Nitai is the same as worship of Krsna-Balarama. SP Purport, Madhya 16.281

Adi-lila text 1.84

vande sri-krsna-caitanya-
nityanandau sahoditau
gaudodaye puspavantau
citrau san-dau tamo-nudau

TRANSLATION
“I offer my respectful obeisances unto Sri Krsna Caitanya and Lord Nityananda, who are like the sun and moon. They have arisen simultaneously on the horizon of Gauda to dissipate the darkness of ignorance and thus wonderfully bestow benediction upon all.”

SB 7.15, Purport
Significant in this verse are the words jnanasim acyuta-balah. Jnanasim, the sword of knowledge, is given by Krsna, and when one serves the guru and Krsna in order to hold the sword of Krsna's instructions, Balarama gives one strength. Balarama is Nityananda. Vrajendra-nandana yei, saci-suta haila sei, balarama ha-ila nitai. This bala—Balarama—comes with Sri Caitanya Mahaprabhu, and both of Them are so merciful that in this age of Kali one may very easily take shelter of Their lotus feet. They come especially to deliver the fallen souls of this age. papi tapi yata chila, hari-name uddharila. Their weapon is sankirtana, hari-nama. Thus one should accept the sword of knowledge from Krsna and be strong with the mercy of Balarama. We are therefore worshiping Krsna-Balarama in Vrndavana. In the Mundaka Upanisad (3.2.4) it is said:

nayam atma bala-hinena labhyo
na ca pramadat tapaso vapy alingat
etair upayair yatate yas tu vidvams
tasyaisa atma visate brahma-dhama

One cannot attain the goal of life without the mercy of Balarama. Sri Narottama dasa
Thakura therefore says, nitaiyera karuna habe, vraje radha-krsna pabe: when one receives the mercy of Balaräma, Nityänanda, one can attain the lotus feet of Radha and Krsna very easily.

Srimad Blogavatam

2007-08-27T18:23:00.000-07:00

SP's Purport 5.11 Jada Bharata Instructs King Rahugana

On the basis of mental concoction, social behavior has been formulated. If one's mind is absorbed in these activities, he certainly remains conditioned within the material world. According to different opinions, there are eleven or twelve mental activities, which can be transformed into hundreds and thousands. A person who is not Krsna conscious is subjected to all these mental concoctions and is thus governed by the material energy. The living entity who is free from mental concoctions attains the platform of pure spirit soul, devoid of material contamination. There are two types of living entities-jévätmä and Paramätmä, the individual soul and the Supreme Soul. That Supreme Soul in His ultimate realization is Lord Vasudeva, Krsna. He enters into everyone's heart and controls the living entity in his different activities. He is therefore the supreme shelter of all living entities. One can understand the Supreme Soul and one's position in relationship with Him when one is completely freed from the unwanted association of ordinary men. In this way one can become fit to cross the ocean of nescience. The cause of conditional Life is attachment to the external energy. One has to conquer these mental concoctions: unless one does so, he will never be freed from material anxieties. Although mental concoctions have no value, their influence is still very formidable. No one should neglect to control the mind. If one does, the mind becomes so powerful that one immediately forgets his real position. Forgetting that he is an eternal servant of Krsna and that service to Krsna is his only business, one is doomed by material nature to serve the objects of the senses. One should kill mental concoctions by the sword of service to the Supreme Personality of Godhead and His devotee (guru-krsna-prasade paya bhakti-lata-bija [Cc. Madhya 19.151])

Barefoot and Amish

2007-08-24T19:42:00.000-07:00

Today is Ekadasi and we needed to buy potatos. A quick car ride towards town and the kids and I were at the Amish farm (near the cemetary). Their produce is fresh, inexpensive and as the cardboard sign they hung on their greenhouse reads, "vegetables grown without chemicals."

Unlike the famed Amish of Lancaster who live on picturesque farm estates, with manicured fields, freshly painted barns and outdoor oil lamps lighting walking paths, this family lives especially simply. The entire family of 10,save for the one year old baby, does farmwork. Four year old Ephram, who's birthday is Dec. 5th, will be the one driving the clydesdales for picking once he turns five. Now he just practices.

Ramshackled, their house is old and sits on the road. The family stays mostly at home, hiring someone to go to the store for them for essentials. Church and school are their main diversions from home life and they appear content.

Today Franny, the quiet but friendly 13 year old who does a barefoot run/walk out of the house when anyone pulls into the gravel lot, went back inside to get Ephram when she saw it was us. We bought our potatos, chilis and yellow watermelon and then all hung out looking at the chickens and ducks. I was even given a tour of the laundry room (hand wringer, Cheer powder).

Venumadhava asked to see the horses and Franny was happy to escort us, barefoot, into the barn which was filled with evidence that their horses, ducks and chickens are well fed. Poop and sweet corn was everywhere.

Mostly we talked about their animals and fed the horses corn. Venumadhava stroked the horses, noting the diffent texture of their fur vs. their noses. Ephram wandered into the barn with a bag of Sarah Lee bread to feed his favorite horse.

Franny politely answered some questions I had about her schooling (geography, arithmetic, phonics, English, spelling, etc., but no bible) and marriage (16-24 is marriable age).

Our time with Franny was sweet and pleasant. I respect her simplicity in lifestyle and mind. Unlike the Mennonites, the Amish are not an evangelical group. Mennonites travel throughout the world doing mission work. The Amish are satisfied staying close to home, disinterested in making converts. Hanging out with Franny was sort of like hanging out with an Indian village girl, except she spoke English and didn't ask me for bobby pins.

Like a ding dong, I asked what they did with their bull. Maybe Franny thought this was a stupid question, but she didn't betray it. "We eat it in the winter. Every year we raise a bull and then we eat it in winter."

Oh.

There was a pause. Venumadhava just looked at me.

I wasn't surprised that they are meat eaters or that they kill what they raise. They do have over 30 chickens. But for some reason, be it my own hopefullness or lack of contact with the outside world, I wasn't expecting that answer.

Without a doubt, Amish children are effulgent despite the guha lifestyle. Always cute with pink clean scrubbed cheeks, blond hair and blue eyes, they look healthy and bright.

I wanted to say something. At the same time out of respect for their isolationism and maintanence of culture I wanted to choose my words carefully.

"Have you ever heard the word 'vegetarian?"

She hadn't.

"Well, that's what we are. We're vegetarians. It means we don't eat any animals. We only eat..."

And before I could finish my sentence, both of my kids shouted with an upward lilt in their voice, "Pasadam!"

"Grains, vegetables, fruits, beans and milk products," I finished. Giggling followed. Obviously our diet seemed a bit odd to a farm girl who's land and animals are the familiy's livelihood and sustenance.

All in all it was a really pleasant visit. I appreciate the young girl's genuine sweetness. She was loving towards Venumadhava, helping him feed corn to the five horses, picking him up to pet them. She showed no uneasiness towards us three, who admittedly are a little odd in appearance for the area.

My interest in Franny is genuine not as some sort of curiosity or tourist attraction but because I appreciate her simple, God centered life as well as her open heart. But still, I see I have that tendency to exoticize.

Living out here in the country, the heart of Americana, where I come into contact with quaint exteriors and bucolic settings, it is not difficult to simplify things down to their country charm quotient. Or for a past-life Jewish suburban Jersey girl to locate the exotic,the other, in everything and everyone around me. But what I see about raising my kids here is that the appeal of quilts and jam and Amish and cows and country stores and turtles in the middle of the road and berries and wildflowers and old houses and barnwood isn't the least bit charming to them.

It's just life. Their life.

"Spreading the Rays of the Benediction Moon"

2007-08-23T17:13:00.000-07:00

After school today we dropped off our cinnamon buns at the temple kitchen and headed upstairs to bring Giriraja his sweet. Mother Kaulini was happy to see us and invited us in.

I perused her tattoo magazine, I mean Back to Godhead, while my kids scrounged for Giriraja maha. Venumadhava asked if he could see a Prabhupada movie on M. Kaulini's iPod. After a few hopeless moments trying to cue up a movie, we were in the association of Prabhupada.

"Look, there's Prabhupada walking on the beach with the devotees," Venumadadhava pointed, intently studying a walking moving flesh and blood plasma non-resin Prabhupada, surrounded by youth and love and sacrifice.

Kuruksetra. Dr. Misra's in upstate NY. Visakha Mataji explaining a BTG spread to Prabhupada in his room in Los Angeles.

Most of the footage was without dialogue. A guitar and folksy lyrics accompanied the shots. We think the singing was Mangalananda Prabhu.

Mother Kaulini, the eternally young farm girl became all rosy cheeked, grinning and singing along with the music. "There's Hrdayananda Maharaja. Bali-mardan. There's TKG." She said the last one with such a roll in her voice, slapping her hands together at the end, that for a minute I thought she was introducing Johny Carson.

One song with the lyrics "Spreading the Rays of the Benediction Moon" had Mother Kaulini in a blushing flutter. "That's my song!"

"What do you mean?"

"Didn't I ever tell you? That's my song! No? Oh, I'll tell you..."

"Ok. So tell me!"

But she wouldn't tell me then. She made me wait. The moment was too special, moving forward with the iPod screen, viewing times never to be duplicated in real life.

As my son began to feel milk withdrawl and my time in the Goloka room was obviously drawing to a close, I demanded she tell me just what she meant about that song.

The story is as follows:

When Mother Kaulini and Kesava Bharati (Maharaja) joined in L.A., they had a VW bus. Mother Kaulini was pregnant with Rama.

As I know from other stories, Kesava Bharathi joined first and Mother Kaulini, who was about 6 months pregnant, was along for the ride, thinking that as soon as the baby was born she would figure a way out of there.

So, from January through April, before Rama was born, they would drive to the temple every day. There was a family that they would always see walking to the temple. Naturally, they began driving the family. It was Visvaretah Prabhu (NV) and his wife and son.

The son was very small, about two. His name was Bhakta Visvaretah and he had a golden, shiny Vaikuntha head. If anyone knows Mother Kaulini, you know she is a sucker for a freshly shaved up little boy.

The child was very attractive and would sit with his mother and father in the back of the van riding to the temple. And he would always sing this song, "Spreading the Rays of the Benediction Moon" dragging "moon" out real long, closing his eyes, mouth puckered, head nodding back and forth.

Mother Kaulini said that child made such an impression on her, pregnant, unsure about Krishna Consciousness. The potency of this two year old's absorption. And cute melon head.

Dhanurdhara Swami has quoted Yamuna Devi saying that we should not lament for the good old days but rather focus on making these days good.

I see it is easier to make these days good in the association of someone who has associated with pure goodness.

Thank you Srila Prabhupada. We are all eternally grateful to you.

"But does she cook?"

2007-08-23T16:44:00.000-07:00

Another sunless day sent us into the kitchen, making more chili pickle.

Gathered around the mixing bowl, my son asked me to sing "The Jewish Song." About a week ago, for some inexplicable reason, I started singing "Shabbat Shalom" at the prasadam table. Unable to refuse my first born sweetheart, I belted out my liveliest rendition of "Shabbat shalom, HEY! Shabbat shalom, HEY!"

Venumadhava sincerely asked questions about the Jewish people, like when we were going to go to their temple again (the one and only time we went was for my nieces' naming ceremonies) and "what Deities do they have in the Jewish temple?".

Jokingly, I told him he should get a Jewish mata. When he laughed and said that yeah, he should, I told him he was stuck with me. But if he wanted, he could marry a Jewish girl.

And what he said next not only surprised but pleased me.

"But does she cook?"

After my laughter subsided, I explained to my son that Jewish girls don't cook, they eat in restaraunts.

"Oh," he answered, careful not to touch the trays full of cut chilis in front of him, "that's not good."

I didn't tell him that most girls today don't learn to cook. I didn't tell him that if he learns to cook, he can teach his wife. I'll save that for when he falls in love with a devotee girl.

Homeschooling continues. Today's highlights: we made dye from our elderberries and did potato block printing with the elderberry dye and acrylic paints on cloth and paper. We made a pictographic list of what we see when it rains--umbrellas, mud and slugs were Venumadhava's favorites. I now have four beanbags made so we did some beanbag math (if I have 4 beanbags and throw you 3, how many beanbags do I have left?). So far, so fun, at least for me.

Fever Breaks

2007-08-21T22:02:00.000-07:00

Lately, I've had some really bad association: my mind.

Negative by nature, my mind was dragging me down. Critical, dissatisfied, ungrateful, my mind was a not so undercover agent of maya. I could see it. My mind was not acting covertly. Glaringly insufferable, my mind, which seemed inescapable, made my company unpleasant. Even to myself.

My health was bad as I suffered from some low grade anemia. Our bank account, also anemic, was a source of stress for me. My husband's work schedule, the constant association of the under four crowd as well as my own unmet expectations for myself, my sadhana and my sanity made my mind look like pretty good company. "Rationalization is a function of the false ego," as Dhanurdhara Swami says. Why can't the supersoul reside in the mind instead of the heart?

By the grace of Krishna, without much effort on my part, I was able to wake up Monday morning and get past my mind.Of course, I had to surrender my false ego to do so.

Looming large in my life is always the issue of my children's schooling. Since NC didn't work out, we figured home schooling was what we would do for Venumadhava and Madhumati. Of couse, someone actually has to "do" it.

Educating my children has been an issue since before I conceived, and everyone always assured me that I had ample time to figure it out. Well, time certainly flies, as the cliche goes, and as Venumadhava approaches four, his need for some sort of organized schooling only becomes more apparent.

This summer Gita Nagari had a slew of Alachua visitors in succession, all glorifying the assortment of cultural and educational activities available for the children there. My lamentation began shortly after hearing about Jahnava's daughter recieving the "Lalita Award" at preschool. Brajasundari was always "making arrangements" for the other students. Thus...

I was feeling stupid for moving to Gita Nagari. What was I thinking, moving our family out to the middle of nowhere, where no one lives, where no one ever comes, where nothing ever happens, where the was just no hope for any of us. And so my mind went.

Always tolerant, supportive and kind to me (when he is not totally fed up with my off the wall mind...thankfully although he has a high acuity for these matters, he has an even higher tolerance threshold...) my husband reassured me that our children were not destined for a life of mediocrity. He would make arrangements for us to spend school years in Alachua, if need be. With a ghee colored heart, my husband's efforts to pacify my mind were appreciated, yet not 100% convincing. Nothing can overcome a thriving mind rooted in negativity.

And then, sometime Sunday evening between sublte stages of sadness and melancholy, anger and volcanism, I decide that this mind, my mind, was really an annoying drag which needed stiffling. Everything was the same as before, just my mind was telling me otherwise. Life would move forward with or without my mind. I wouldn't travel cross country by car with an annoying travel companion by choice, and yet I was choosing to make this journey through life miserable by letting my mind ride shotgun, sometimes even taking hold of the wheel. So without furhter ado, positive thinking and metaphor, I ignored my mind and got busy thinking about this homeschooling thing.

On the spot I came up with a homeschooling plan. For one thing, I would let my children sleep as late as possible, employing whatever sleep prolonging techniques I've aquired in my nearly four years serving as mata. Then, after breakfast, school would begin. I made a bunch of pictographic signs for the different activities we would do at our school: playing, prasadam, aroti, yoga, reading books, etc. I hung a string between a doorway so when it was time for a certain activity, Venumadhava could find the respective picture and hang it on the string with clothespins.

Day one was an instant hit. We did preschool until 1 o'clock. When I tried to call it quits, I was met with the first tears of the day. Venumadhava did not want school to end. More fun as a teacher than a mata, Venumadhava was now loving me in the role of teacher, a role I foolishly thought he would have a hard time adapting to. We continued for another hour. Afterwards, I had the realization that my son, who I falsely thought would be a nightmare to homeschool, is actually the perfect candidate for such an endeavor; at this age he loves loves loves just being around me.

Later on day one, after school, we went into the kitchen to make achar. As I measured out the cumin seed, Venumadhava recognized the spice from a smells like, looks like, tastes like experiment we did in the morning. While making lasagna for dinner, he again connected the hing and Italian Seasoning we explored earlier in the day to the ingredients going into Gaura Nitai's bhoga.

Venumadhava and Madhumati went to preschool again today. For me the day was interesting because I saw that what worked yesterday wasn't necessarily going to work today. Yoga was a big hit on day one, but on day two, Venumadhava was a little bored with it (not Madhumati,who can spend all day on her stomach touching her toes to the back of her head). During their free play period I sewed three bean bags, well rice bags if you want to be technically accurate. One of the last things we did at school today was play a series of beanbag games. Hopping, skipping, running or jumping with our beanbags to a chair where we deposit them, then hopping, skipping, running or jumping to our start point. Pass the bean bag did not work out at all since Madhumati was fiercely against reliquishing her pink flannel bean bag.

As our school day began on Monday, I was weary how Madhumati would hold up while I directed the bulk of my attention and instruction toward Venumadhava. Her maturity and adapatability to the school day has proven her to be my favorite little girl in the house!

Tomorrow we will not do school. I bake for Radha Damodara and have a bunch of house stuff to take care of. But I see just from my first day's experience with the kids, homeschooling is wonderful because I am able to directly connect my kids' experiences to our life experiences. After school on Monday, I asked Venumadhava what he did at school that day. He said, "I don't know," the same answer I used to get when from the five year old I was a nanny for when I worked in Metuchen. But I knew, and I was able to talk some answers out of him until we were having a real conversation. I learned that his least favorite part aboutthe school day is when we offer our obeisances to one another. We'll keep ending our day like that despite being disabused of any thought that I am running a homeschool gurukula.

As Radha Govinda Swami succinctly put it, "There is no need to say." Yes, it is difficult being a parent. Yes, it is difficult to homeschool. There is no need to say it!!! Without fail, I could pick up the phone this instant and find 10 other mothers more than happy to engage in this kind of talk with me but what is the value? Negative bonding has no enduring positive effect. Bonding? More like bondage. Bereft of any positive effect on my mind, this association only increases my disfunction.

I am committed to homeschooling. I am committed to being a fully available, hang-on-able, sleep deprived mata. It is my pleasure, my dharma, my occupation, my love and my choice.

I know it is not popular. I know it is not the talk of a materially liberated woman. I know it doesn't put spending money in my pocket or make me relevant to most other woman in my age group. I know it proves I am more hippie than I ever wanted to be, not wanting to ever be a hippie in the first place.

These last couple of days have been the most enjoyable days I've had with the kids in a long time. I thought homeschooling would make me feel fried, but on the contrary I am feeling soothed. My house is more orderly. At school we clean up after ourselves. My time is more organized. During school I focus 100% on the children. I don't answer the phone, look up recipes, think about anything outside the world of preschool. My relationship with the children has improved as we know what exactly we are doing. "Can't you two go play?" is a pretty stupid question, one that I would ask my kids repeatedly throughout the day. Children benefit from directive play. They need to be engaged. And the good behavior they are learning at school from their teacher is effecting my relationship with them outside of school as their mata. And, I can now invoke the threat, "If you're not well behaved, you will not go to school tomorrow." More threats in the repetoire are always handy.

So, to summarize, I had a bad bout with my mind which was predicated on being freaked out about what to do with my kids. Ironically, by shutting up my mind and my whining, I was able to start homeschooling my kids. Now we are doing something and we are happy. I like being a mom. And if you don't, please don't talk to me about it. My mind thanks you in advance.

Etani puspani...

2007-08-19T11:43:00.000-07:00

Venumadhava, my three and a half year old, is always eager to offer flowers on our altar. At first I was reluctant to let him. He is potty trained and puts a good effort into being clean, but the reality is he is a dirty little boy. His enthusiasm, however, surpases my willpower.

Without illusion, I understand that my son's bhakti is not on the spontaneous platform but rather highly mixed. Sure he likes doing service for Gaura Nitai, but on his terms according to his pleasure. My son has an impressive understanding of the kitchen standards for a three year old. He knows he cannot help out when I am cooking for Radha Damodara at the temple and when he can help, he never tires of washing his hands and mouth (spitting out the water, not swallowing it...a big step in his path towards being suci). But in the end, his "help" is of the variety that pleases him. Concerned not with what I need, he is never satisfied to hear that the biggest help he can do is go play in the other room with his toys.

Venumadhava's flower offerings follow in the same vein. Disinterested in mantras or other instructions, he executes his service with little consideration of rules and regulations. Hopefully using his suci hand, he scatters the flowers about in interesting configurations, sometimes making perfect sense. Sometimes not. Did he mean to offer this flower to the water cup?

As he refines his fine motor skills, his placement of flowers on our altar improves. Precise and deliberate, one flower per personality. Some days he even creatively positions flowers in Gaura Nitai's outstretched arms. The effect is devotional, even if the process is suspect.

And then, without warning, the boy surprised me. I walked into our temple room the other day to do the Lord's offering. Met with the backsides of the flowers, annoyance filled my bloodstream as I turned the marigolds around, now capable of enjoying their colorful whorl of petals. But who was I to enjoy?

With the flower turned, I understood what exactly the Lord is offered as we take darsan of the Deities, Parampara photos and the frontside of flowers. Such care is taken to string flowers with the petals facing upwards towards the Lord's nose, but the same consideration is not given to the placement of flowers at the Lord's feet.

Returning the flowers to their original posterior position, my appreciation for my son's bhakti blossomed. "This process is not an artificial imposition on the mind." Prabhupada's words reminded me that I should respect my son as a budding Krishna bhakta. I should nurture him as he comes into his own understanding of devotional service as informed by the acaryas. He needs the freedom to express himself in Krishna's seva or else he may be more tempted to explore less devotional paths of self expression.

With Gaura Nitai's feet brushing up against the soft,feathery side of the marigolds, I understood the simplicity of this process. Service means love. Service means saturated. Gaura Nitai do not want our dry offerings, executed without reason other than this is what I was taught/this is what I am supposed to do. Gaura Nitai want our meditation, our consideration, our attention. Even a child can understand this.

Material Fever Increases

2007-08-18T05:33:00.000-07:00

Deep lungfulls of air clear my mind as I look out the window and am overcome by the spectrum of greens awaiting me this morning. My husband is home, albeit only for a few more hours. Still asleep, the children pass themselves off as angels, seen but not heard.

So why does life seem like an upside down pinepple cake mistakingly made with salt instead of sugar?

Every day the big brown UPS truck drops off a new package. A few cases of Bhumi-friendly disposable diapers for the kids. A small package from LL Bean holding our new suci kits inside. Corrugated cardboard, broken down into flats, piles up in our garage. Yesterday we recieved a package of clear garment bags for the Deities. Janamastami is right around the corner. Soon we will order enough books to satisfy our children on a 23 hour plane ride, opting to stick to our chosen parenting path and forgo technology for the under 8 crowd. Read: more cardboard boxes. More more more!

All these new deposits have a difficult time making it out of our prasadam hall, the first room entered into through the front door. A new type of disorder has entered our home. I cannot clean it up simply by staying up late one evening after the kids have gone to bed. The only thing that will remedy it is packing and getting out of the house.

And yet we have 2 months until we go.

Domestic disarray certainly disturbs me. I need a clean and neat environment for my consciousness to be clean and neat. The entire act of planning for this trip, which seems like a great boon to our Krishna consciousness, is itself an upset.

I admire sannyasis and brahmacaris who travel constantly, living simply, unencumbered by family, furniture and fashion. Their material necessities fit neatly into a small black carry on and their consciousness is unwavering, despite the quick cuts of their external environment. Regulated, austere and simple, their spirtual life follows an upward trajectory towards Godhead.

Grhasta life is different. Family, home, many bodies. All require the constant consideration of money, health maintanence and personal likes/dislikes and abilities. A child's singular nite of vomitting can disrupt the flow of home life for an entire week as the mother has to dig her way out of a stinky laundry pile while holding a limp child while a perfectly healthy one wants to go to the park and play on some vomit inducing spinning thing.

We are grateful to Krishna for our upcoming trip yet I am hankering for days of our not too distant past which seemed settled and regulated, making Krishna consciosness appear that much closer to my heart.

I am looking towards devotees like Padmanabh Prahu and Mother Preksa, who are constantly engaged in preaching, taking care of their son while working and just being together people. Mother Kaulini, who despite her the many ways her body is aging, carries on without a complaint, always increasing increasing increasing her service to Srila Prabhupada. My husband, who carries the weight of the whole family on his shoulders, back, arms and whatever other body part we grab onto as we try to pull him down to our level of material existence. Advaita Prabhu, who's life adventure is always increasing along with his expanding heart and Krishna Consciousness. And Dhanurdhara Swami, who's life of travels seems overwhelming to me. Aloof, homelessness reaks no havoc on his personal sadhana. His ability to care for so many other souls belies a self satisfaction and comfort found outside the material realm.

The mercy of the devotees is so prolific. By meditating on the good qualities of others, I pray I can benefit from their association. At the very least, it will take the focus off myself.

Cookbook-a-thon

2007-08-16T17:09:00.000-07:00

My kiddies and husband should be home in about an hour and a half. I am just taking a break before I go back down to the kitchen and clean up. Since 7:30 I have been cooking. Scented with cumin, besan, ghee and chilis, our house smells of a cook's incense. Although my focus was not there when I started this morning, in terms of what exactly I was doing in relation to the upcoming class, the experience definitely brought some clarity as to how I will organize the cooking component.

I began by making a variety of doughs, mostly from Yamuna Devi's cookbook. Plain chapatis, dahi chapati, a modified moti roti, besan thepla and paratha dough were all culled from the cookbook. I also made my regular chapati dough and soaked it in cold water, as per Prahbupada's instructions.

Following the recipes like someone who never made chapatis before, the results were mixed. "Soft like an earlobe," a chapati dough instruction given by Prabhupada but not in the book, was ignored. I simply focused on the page in front of me like a newcomer might. When it came time to roll the first dough, I instantly new it was not soft enough. The edges were frayed and I only got bubble puffs, no pillow puffs. The dahi chapati, which was a little more difficult to make smooth and silky, was a little softer but yielded only limited succes: half to 3/4 of the chapati puffed. Same with moti roti. Besan thepla, which scared me a little bit with all its masala inside, was somewhere between bubble and pillow puffs. I never made such horrible paratha's in my life and really don't want to talk about it. Prabhupada's dough, while really difficult to work with at first, did pillow puffs. Yay Prabhupada!

The difficulty follwing recipes like this is that you really have to know what you are doing to make adjustments. There are so many variables--how you measure, what type of flour you use, if you are increasing or reducing the recipe, etc.--which effects the state of the dough. I think when I teach chapatis I will just go about my usual on the fly way of making chapati dough, since I seem to have more consitent results that way. The main thing I find helps my chapati making is using warm to hot whey to make the dough, putting ghee or ghee solids in the dough, making the dough tacky--like an earlobe-- and chanting Hare Krishna while firing the bread.

Amazingly, all the chapatis were very soft, except for the first batch of regular chapatis which I thought were surely going to puff up any second so I ended up firing them too long. The dahi chapatis had a nice sheen to them, sort of like satin.

The coolest part of the cooking experiment was when I simultaneously cooked Yamuna's simple moong and golden moong. Both recipes call for exactly the same ingredients in exactly the same quantity but the methodology for the chaunce is different and therefore yield two completely different tasting dals.

In addition to these preps, I made urad dal, kathmir vada, aloo tikki, poori, luci, potato knishes (with potato in the dough...just like I used to get at Ohav Shalom), paneer/tomato/eggplant/green bean (wet) sabji, simple pumpkin (dry) sabji, aloo/paneer (dry) sabji, lemon rice, tomato rice with fried paneer balls coated in sesame seeds, sabu kichari, cucumber raita and lassi.

Realizations from the yajna:

--prayer, not cookbooks, makes the cooking nice

--it is difficult to cook exactly from a recipe when you already have a feeling for a prep.

--the best way to get a feeling for a prep is to have tasted/eaten/honored it before making it...although I never had kathmir vada before and I am sure I got it right...it was just so good.

--it is not a question of simple vs. oppulent. both should make it onto the Lord's plate. today I made a plain lassi from yogurt, whey and sugar and it was a nice palate cleanser.

--east vs. west or east meets west...was the knish rasa basa? I don't think so. My realization from the few varieties of preps I made today, especially in consultation of the Yamuna and Adiraja cookbook is that there is so much variety in technique and masala used on the Indian sub-continent. My guess is that anything that can be cooked on a stovetop has been cooked in some little mata's kitchen in India at some point in the last 5,000 years.

--practice makes for more practice

Thankfully, Mother Acuyta should be here any minute now to relieve me of this prasadam. I don't know what will happen with the chapatis, though. Hopefully a pregnant lady will show up at my door with a jar of pickle...

Actually all kinds of prasadam are prepared for Krnsa, not for the people, but the devotees partake of prasadam with great pleasure. CC Madhya 3.64 SP Purport

WARNING: Blog Entry Written by Sleep Deprived Hare Krishna Cult Member with a Thing for Gooseberry Jam. Talks about Hair NOT Pulled Back in Braid!!!

2007-08-15T23:57:00.000-07:00

Today my kids slept in late. This is a rare event and always welcomed. Except today, since they were scheduled to leave early with my husband to visit their grandparents in DC. Sleeping late means leaving late.

Thankfully, once the kids woke up, Venumadhava was so excited to get going he didn't even want to stop and pee. My husband had to convince our super eager son that going to the bathroom would not delay their arrival at Grandma's. Besides, Madhumati, being part sensible and part clueless about what was going on, was not done eating her oatmeal.

They finally got on the road at 9:30 and I started making the Deity sweet. At 11 I drove it over to the temple, took darsana, hung around for a little small talk with Mother Kaulini and then was about to get on my way when she asked me to help her make the plates. She was running late and I had no kids in tow, so service it was.

Then I headed over to Mother Taruni's to pick up my order from Frankferd Farms. There was a note left for me in the garage, scrawled on a torn piece of cardboard box. "Deva, come to the house." I went up to the house and met Mother Rohini who invited me in. Her kids were playing with their cousins and Jayadeva Prabhu's GAURANGA! was playing on the cd player. We engaged in pleasant small talk which at times was, ironically, about Mother Rohini's tendency towards being anti-social. I too have that tendency, but it is often overshadowed by my incessant smiling and inability to say, "Excuse me, I gotta go."

After a nice chat I was on my way to Brummer's, but after realizing I was almost 45 minutes behind in my self-imposed schedule for the day, I went only so far as the Amish farm, buying potatos and chili to make achar. I needed other sabji, like cauliflower and anything green but the sun was moving across the sky, my family was headed towards DC and I had to get things done.

Otherwise, what would be the point of my husband taking the kids to DC on our anniversary? Ok, so it is only our paper marriage anniversary, but still, that counts for something in the department of sentiment.

I spent the day reading about feasts and rules and cooking. I figured out, more or less, the readings I will assign for the class. I cooked some sabji, offered and ate it and then went on a japa walk.

Not only was I chanting without kids, I was walking without kids. And I could stay out as long as I wanted. I felt like I was 18 again! Okay, not exactly, but I definitley felt invigorated by the devotional and physical excercise. Upon walking back home, I was thinking about the minor delays in my day. I did not get nearly as much accomplished as I had hoped, but at 7 o'clock, the nite was still young.

My house was in site. I was about 50 feet from the neighbor's driveway when it happened. Joe pulled into his driveway. I waved. He waved. He slowed down his truck. "How's it goin', Joe?" "Not too good, Dana."

Uh-oh.

I don't know how long I stood in that driveway talking to him through the window of his cherry red pick-up, but it was long enough to start to make me think I would have do something other than stand there with a sad/confused/how could she do that to you, Joe? look on my face. Della left him. She up and left him. Her kids wouldn't wash a dish or do any yard work. All they wanted to do was go to the mall and spend money. She hired a U-haul and wasn't even going to tell him. She still owes him money. He bought this house for her, it was her dream to fix up an old house. And now she's gone. He just has bad luck with women.

I felt bad for Joe. He seems like a nice guy. But my capacity in this regard is limited. Thankfully the story came to a natural end because Joe had to get inside since a cute little gal from a few miles away was coming over to cook him a spaghetti dinner.

Finally, I made it home, continued with my reading, wrote out way to many test questions and ironed my sari for mangala-arotik. Tomorrow I will test cook different recipes but at this point I am so tired, I'm not quite sure what I am doing.

Am I cooking just to practice cooking? Am I cooking to practice cooking certain preps? To practice cooking while talking about cooking? To practice certain menus? I don't even have all the sabji I need. Am I cooking to try out different techniques? If so, what are those techniques? Will I ever be able to remember the definition of koshano? Why does it have to sound so much like Kosavo?

Prabhupada said that an expert cook can cook nicely in any circumstance.

Maybe I am cooking to prove to myself that I am not an expert.

No problem. Recently I have been watching devotees give class, when there is a class to watch. Since I am going to be teaching a class, I am very interested in the technique of speaking in front of others (I think in your country this is called public speaking).

I noticed one devotee, when he gets off track or loses his train of thought for a moment, he tends to ask the audience a question. Or he does some kind of sidebar shpiel, using an interuptive non-sequiter to divert attention from a rough transition of thought.

Recently I attended a class by a devotee who's self-confidence seemed to be the overiding focus of the lecture, even though this wasn't the decided topic. A devotee of positive thinking, I noticed that simply saying something with confidence has a lot of sway over the audience. If you believe in yourself, others will too. That kind of stuff. Not exactly my cup of chai, I like to keep it real, so to speak. But, taken with a grain of salt, there is something that can be learned from the situation.

Of course, if you are a total phony, no amount of bravado will save you. I had that experience as a karmi when I was going on job interviews in Manhattan. I had an interview at the Audabon Society for some kind of administrative position. Although I was unemployed, I had somehow made a job of interviewing. Sure, it was more like volunteer work, but I was good at it and it gave me a feeling of self worth. I am not sure what that means, but that's how volunteer work is supposed to make you feel, isn't it?

The interview was going great. I was charming, my hair was blown straight, I nodded at appropriate times and answered questions about my weaknesses by presenting my strengths as disadvantages. "People say I am too focused at times."

Everything was going in the right direction. Soon, it seemed, I would have endless supplies of Audabon paper and pens at my disposal. But then, the man who I thought I would be working for threw me for a loop. A test. I was to take a spreadsheet test. On my resume I listed spreadsheets in my computer skills sections. This shouldn't be a problem. Only a formality.

I had planned on learning spreadsheets after I had gotten the job. So it wasn't a lie, it was just a matter of perspective. You know, like "All the devotees of the Krishna consciousness movement are pure." Time was the only thing separating me from knowing and not knowing spreadsheets.

I was brought to a little cubicle, possibly my future cubicle, and given a stack of papers with mathematical equations. The computer was turned on. I looked at the papers. I looked at the computer. I did not know where to begin. I had to leave. But my $800 Calvin Klein coat which I bought on sale at Bloomingdale's was in his office.

With as much facial musculature as I could muster, I pulled back my Black Cherried-Clinique-lip-glossed lips, tilting my head so my blown straight hair shined under the flourescent lights, grabbed for my coat and said, "Sorry, this isn't going to work out."

The next day I wrote the man a thank you note, commenting that I really had him going and I hope he enjoyed the interview. I confessed that I had no knowledge of spreadsheets but that if I added some laughter to his day, then neither of us wasted our time. He responded with an equally friendly and gracious letter, happy to have an anecdote to enrich his repetoire of smalltalk.

So, if you get caught in the act of phony self confidence, don't surrender to defeat. Just keep on pretending with the bravado of a high school student council member.

No thank you.

My phony baloney days are over. Thankfully, Krishna consciousness has not only led me to the Supreme Reality, but the plastic artificial affectation of my life has diminished greatly. I don't want to cultivate it in the mood of devotional service.

I hope this class works out. I hope I have something to say when I get in front of my class. I hope I can find a place to stay in Mayapur so me and my kids aren't sleeping in a grass hut while my husband is in Bombay. It is all in Krishna's hands and I am simply depending on the mercy. And if I can't get it in Mayapur, the most merciful dhama, then obviously I am not in Mayapur. The most important thing I can do to prepare for the class is prepare my consciousness.

And practice making chapati dough like Srila Prabhupada, by soaking it in a bowl of cold water.

De-celebrated Children's Author, Margaret Wise Brown

2007-08-13T21:40:00.000-07:00

Margaret Wise Brown is a celebrated children's author responsible for many books, three of which are on my children's bookshelf. Goodnite Moon, a book we have in hardcover and as a board book, I never read because, simply, I never liked it. Little Fur Family took some getting used to but became a staple bedtime read. And The Important Book, which both my husband and I instantly took a disliking to is not only annoying in premise (as my husband say's, "Who the hell are you to tell my kids' what's important) but also annoying in technique, using the adjective forms of nouns to describe the nouns. Grass smells grassy. The book bludgeons you with uncreativity.

But still I found all of this tolerable, except for Goodnite Moon, which I might have hid somewhere, its low contrast primary color pages too much for my senses to tolerate. What I find intolerable in an eery, subliminal kind of freakin'-me-out at bedtime kind of way is an article I read recently about Margaret Wise Brown.

Basically, she hated kids and was really into hunting. All the bunnies and bears in her books, well, in real life she liked to blow holes in their warm bodies and watch them bleed to death, pained and writhing. For sport. In the spirit of getting a little r & r.

Yuk.

I have to admit, I really do like Little Fur Family. It is more than a bit ridiculous and the drawings are rather cozy, evoking the feeling of a soup commercial amidst the full blows of a northeast winter. I am a bit hesitant to pull it from our bookshelf, especially since I have an entire hand gesturing sequence for catching the bug in the air, holding it in his hand, looking at it and then ssssp! letting it fly back up into the sky.

But still, despite my mastered hand choreography, I cannot ignore that this woman, and I use the word woman specifically in its "lesser-man misogynist" connotation, gives me the creeps. She is exteremely well known as a children's writer and must have made a good amount of cash from the occupation. And yet she wholeheartedly without aplogies dislikes her audience. Unabashed capitalism for sure.

I remember years ago before I had children a conversation I had with Samvit Mataji about television and videos. Samvit was speaking against tv and videos making the point that even documentaries, or what people consider educational videos, have an agenda. Sure, the agenda may not be as obvious as the large scale marketing, complete with every kind of tie-in, of Disney's newest and lewdest double entendre cartoon marketed towards children yet sophisticated and entertaining enough for their parents who have to chaufeur them to the theatre, yet still it is there. The message may be mode of goodnessy, like conserve water and don't pollute animal's natural habitat. Or, the seemingly objective educational video may subtley convey messages which conflict with individual's family values, like women working outside the home, meat eating, competition, etc. The list is really endless and how these messages connect and interact with the values of individuals varies case by case. But the point Samvit was making was that anyone recieving information should actively engage with it, understand it and accept or reject it. Not that we automatically take down our gaurd because it is educational and,therefore falsely think, harmless.

Samvit Mataji's point is easily taken in regards to tv and videos. So much information is out there for us to accept and reject on this matter based on our values. My husband recently told me about an article he read either from the BBC or NYTimes.com about how the Baby Einstein videos actually make kids dumber. While I am always happy to hear about anti-tv propoganda which will support and bolster my determination to abstain from the one-eyed beast, I couldn't really get behind this article. It just seemed so slanted and based on such limited research. I just had too much anectodotal evidence, in the actual flesh and blood form of my friends' kids, that goes against it.

As for books, some stuff clearly makes its way to the reject pile. This is obvious as you page through the Pigeon Stays Up Late book, which has the bird eating a hot dog (yuck! get a human life!!) or Stone Soup where they make a beef stock. Other books with snotty title characters or obnoxious kids (Where the Wild Things Are should be burned immediately) also do not make the cut in our house.

Bhakti, a book about an eight year old girl who appears, by the photo on her shelf, to be a disciple of Harikesa Swami, does make the cut, despite the depressing fact that there is a graphic picture of a butcher in a mao smock with an axe hacking up Buttercup, the smart and pretty cow at Grandpa's house. Buttercup did not give any more milk, so we all get to see her pencil drawn blood running down towards the floor drain. But there is Krishna, cows, an eight year old preaching to her grandparents that they should only eat good things and they should repsect the cow, who gives us the Europeanly spelled "yoghurt," as their mother. Yes, there is graphic violence, but Bhakti preaches the absolute truth. The Draupadi comic book is a bit confusing for my 3 year old son who cannot understand why devotees are killing people who are not demons or why men are "not being nice" to Draupadi, but it is a story about Krishna, although I do have to personally insert the Supreme Personality of Godhead into the storyline where the editors have omitted Him.

So there is the obvious stuff which we surely nix and then there is the Krishna stuff, which non-devotees would probably find too violent and wacky to read to little kids. And then there is this other stuff which fits into a kind of limbo. Curious George books, books about trains and how they work and run and what they haul. Books about colors and numbers full of fat babies, cute and/or alarmingly strange looking. Books about ducks and ducklings, steam shovels and ox carts. We are part of that culture of parents drawn towards simple illustrations and retro storylines. We like our books wholesome. The policeman puts on his rubbers and walks the snowy street. After he catches cold, his wife makes a mustard plaster for his chest and sits by his bed in her rocker, knitting him a long scarf. Call me Tipper Gore circa 1986, I don't care (just don't send me a PMRC t-shirt).

So, my Margaret Wise Brown books will have to go. She doesn't fit in with our family. After reading about her non-maternal personality, her literature seems more suited for the shelves of a Hitler Youth nursery than my home. I'm glad I know, despite my attachment to the Little Fur Family.

Pickings are slim, not just for devotee books but wholesome books in general. Now that some space will be opening up on our bookshelf, it will be interesting to see what takes its place. I cannot research every author who makes it onto our shelves, but I can go with my gut. After all, the books aren't just for the kids but the parents who have to suffer through them, too.

No need to say

2007-08-12T22:51:00.000-07:00

Today we attended Padmanabh Prabhu and Mother Preksa's brahminical initiation ceremony at their home. Another sweet mataji, Laksmidevi from Potomac, also took second initiation. They are all disciples of HH Radha Govinda Swami so he and his brother, HH Radha Ramana Swami, presided over the ceremony.

The two Maharajas spoke very convincingly about the serious commitment undertaken by initiation. "A grhasta should not even kill a cockroach in his house because this is Krishna's jiva!" Of course, I didn't hear this bit of class until 10:30 tonite when my husband translated some parts for me. The entire program was in Hindi. My husband was able to get through the beginning of the lecture on his own but surrendered to the translator about mid-way through as topics got more complicated. The kids and I sat all the way on the other side of the tent as they ate grapes and I chanted japa. Surely my kids would have been too noisy. The whispering translator did not need the competition.

My husband also told me that Maharaja said, "You don't need to say you are hot. It is hot out. So, everyone knows you are hot. No need to say."

Heavy yet humorous, I appreciated this point. I could say so much about it--how it applies to my life, even how it applied to today. But, as Maharaja made clear, there is no need to.

Padmanabh Prabhu and his wife are great well-wishers and servants of Gita Nagari. Truly qualified for brahminical initiation, it was with great pleasure that we attended today's program. They are both from Vaisnava families and therefore act like a perfect gentleman and lady. All their spare time is dedicated to preaching and developing the Harrisburg congregation, a service they have been steady in for years. Padmanabh Prabhu does all this despite holding down a big job at IBM and caring for his son who is serverly handicapped.

Everyone in attendence was happy, including my kids. The program was outside, it was a lovely day (no need to speak about the temperature, ahem) and, being perfect hosts, there was water and fruit salad and moori in abundance. But a definite highlight for me was going inside Padmanabh Prabhu's house, a modest two-story set in a subdivision. Funky devotional art covered the walls. Three separate framed canvases, huge rectangles, painted white, black and yellow depicted the faces of Balarama, Jagannatha and Subhadra. Pen drawn cartoons framed in clusters on another wall depicted "Happy Hour" (aroti) and a "Joy Ride" (driving to the temple). Engaging, light and devotional, these drawings especially interested me. Ananda maya-bhyasyat. The soul is pleasure seeking by nature and surely, through the medium of art, I clearly saw how Padmanabh Prabhu and his family find their pleasure. In addition to these and other framed pieces was the largest painting in the house--the altar backdrop. The family's altar is enourmous in the sense that about six people could stand side by side on it. And behind this rather large structure is a sweetly painted outdoor scene which Padmanabh Prabhu painted himself.

Admittedly, this was one of the more creative devotee homes I had been in, even though the curbside appeal was rather run of the mill suburban subdivision. Once inside the home, a real feel for the family's devotional mood and personality was apparent.

What I really like about Padmanabh Prabhu is he is not afraid to think outside the box, whatever box that may be. Do Indian's do devotional art with a touch of whimsy and then hang it all over their house? Honestly, not that I've seen. But what does he care. So many times I have been in the vacinity of HH Radha Govinda Swami speaking katha in Hindi, but have I been invited? No. And if invited, would I go knowing I wouldn't understand anything? Maybe, but probably in the end not. So I applaud him for having personality, thinking outside the box and expanding my association. Even if all I was able to understand was a few translated sentences at 10:30 at nite. It was worth it.

Premanjana

2007-08-11T22:34:00.000-07:00

"Super Devotee"

2007-08-09T18:08:00.000-07:00

Many things have been said about me over the years which I wasn't (or maybe was) supposed to know about. One of the things which has made me laugh more than cry was the criticism that I was trying to be "Super Devotee."

Anyone who knows me knows that my energy level is rather high. Blame it on all the tv dinners and diet coke I drank as a kid (the effect is long lasting) or simply blame it on my karma. Either way, I survived high school with many people thinking I was hyped up on drugs despite my own personal commitment to the whole straight edge identity thing. SweetTarts, Spree, Diet Coke in a can drunk through a straw made from a strawberry Twizzler with the ends bit off. I was vegetarian and drug free but highly preserved and malnourished.

As a devotee, I have been able to use my energy, more or less, for good. Dancing in kirtan, cooking for the Lord and cooking for His devotees. Of course, my overabundance of energy has also been a detriment as I struggled to keep it engaged in envirionments that had limited outlets. The biggest problem, however, has been my mind, which is even more active than my body ever could be.

Baby seva has been good for me because it definitely slowed me down. It has been my determination to keep going, business as usual despite a baby in a backpack and a toddler on my hip, which has garnished me the title, said with a snicker amongst certain peers, as "Super Devotee."

But of course, it couldn't be further from the truth. Everything in the material world is relative and that is a really difficult pill to swallow sometimes. I like to keep my house relatively clean. And I like to cook relatively big meals. I like to spend relatively large chunks of time with my kids. And I like to go to the temple relatively often. These things are all relative to other people's perceptions, however, the way I see it relative to myself, I wish I could be doing more.

Today Mother Kaulini asked if I could host some guests coming to visit Gita Nagari tomorrow. I really would love to. They are wonderful devotees and I am eager for their association. But my husband has not been home since Saturday nite, I am alone in the house with my 2 kids all day without tv, daycare or a grandma around, the bathroom needs a good scrubbing, my health has been compromised by a recent bout with anemia, I've had no long distance for 6 days so that means no outside oral communication with the world and I've been going to bed somewhere between 11 and 2 for the past few weeks only to have my kids wake up somewhere between 6:30 and 7:30. I just can't do it.

So I told her.

Mother Kaulini is an extremely difficult person to read. Her frame of reference is very different from that of anyone else I've ever encountered in the good old USA.. Her life before joining is rather unique, having been left on a doorstep by her biological mother. Her life since joining is rather unique, being separated by service from her husband shortly after being married. She has dedicated herself 100% to Prabhupada and lives completely under his shelter. She is thoroughly convinced beyond the shadow of a doubt about this whole Hare Krishna process.

She looked at me. And said, "Okay."

And that was it.

Until I left the kitchen and my mind began wondering what exactly "okay" meant. I know that if the chapal was on the other foot, Mother Kaulini would sacrifice her own everything to get the association and opportunity to serve guests. She was probably asking me to host the devotees as a favor to my own spiritual life. Whatever she does, whatever she says or asks, she is serving.

But instead of seeing this I started getting upset internally. "Why does she ask so much of me. I can't live up to her expectations. She wants me to be 'Super Devotee' and I'm not! I'm not! I'm not!"

Of course, I doubt she thought any of these things. More likely, she said "okay" and was thinking something like, "What time am I going to go for milking tonite?" or "I have to remember to buy apples."

Somehow Krishna is often arranging these kinds of learning experiences for me via Mother Kaulini. Materially, I see how I need to break through my own inhibitions and speak to her in a straight forward way. She is like a guru to me but also like a friend. Spiritually, I see how overactive my mind is but if I try hard to trample the weeds with intelligence, Krishna will reveal some important truths.

At the moment that truth seems to be that I've simultaneously hit both sides of a brick wall. Materially, I am wiped out. My health is bad, I'm tired, we are financially strapped. Spiritually, I am going through the motions but without proper care of my body, my mind and heart just aren't in it. I am dragging on, relative to myself and relative to anyone else who hasn't just been released from the gulag.

Which reminds me, there could be much worse problems in life than realizing I am not nor ever will be "Super Devotee."

Radha-Damodara Vilasa

2007-08-09T15:57:00.000-07:00

The Vaikali offering has never been my favorite. My repetoire is limited. Some cookies, a couple of cakes, cinnamon buns, the odd and infrequent venture into the world of biscotti and scones. I remember how once, in 1999, I tried out a recipe for candied fruit. I followed the recipe, this was not an offering based on speculation. The offering was colorful, with candied slices of oranges, lemons and limes. Jayadeva Prabhu dubbed my candied fruit "the daily bitter." Bitterwasn't what I was going for.

Pastry requires a certain attention to detail which sabjis and rice do not. There is the correct temperature of the butter and work surface which, when adequately cool, will ensure flaky pastry. Bhakta Seva, a giant of a devotee from New Vrindavan who left his body earlier this year, had a habit of making pie crust in the walk in to ensure the proper texture. Butter and sugar needs to be creamed to a fluff to create lightness in cakes. Edges need to be fluted, icing piped. There is very little in a pastry kitchen for a cooking slob like me. I am from NJ. I like heaping mounds of everything a plenty. Pastries tend to come in limited presentations whereas savory preps easily yield all you can eat quantities.

A little over a month ago I was in contact with Dina Sarana Prabhu, who was doing a chart for my husband. At the end of an email he wrote:

Jaya Sri Sri Radha-Damodara. I use to help Their pujari, while traveling on a Radha-Damodar bus, gathering flowers/making garlands for Them. Ramacharya was his name. Sweet soul who loved Them dearly. He made these wonderful fruit/curd samossa for Their afternoon offering. Cooked down fruit in sugar, mixed with curd, put in samossa style, actually sidewise folded, so they were long, then deep fried and sprinkled with powdered sugar. The book distributors would kill for them, and I was very happy to serve out pieces of them to one and all…..

It seems like just about everyone who has served Radha Damodara, especially in the early days, easily recalls happy memories in Their association. Their form is Radha-Krishna but their sankirtan mood definitely embodies the mercy of Gaura-Nitai. It is not difficult to feel Their potency, even if you tend towards spiritual numbness, much like myself.

This outline of a recipe has been on my mind since I got the email. The email arrived days before our 4th of July marathon. Unexpectedly (hey, this wasn't in my husband's chart!) our life has gotten a bit chaotic and stressful. I wanted to try to duplicate the sweet, but the situation was never quite right. Either I had just offered all the fruit in our fridge, leaving nothing for the sweet or the milk inventory was too low to turn it into chenna.

But today everything was just right. The kids and I picked blackberries across from the barn, but because the season has been so dry they weren't nearly enough. Luckily, I had some bhoga cherries in the fridge. And the other day when I boiled the milk, I turned half into curd. Because yesterday was Ekadasi, I couldn't make the samosas so today the curd was more paneer than chenna. I put it in the food processor with some sugar and instantly had sandesh.

I didn't have enough ghee to deep fry all the sweets so I brushed them with ginger ghee and baked them in the oven. Instead of sprinkling powdered sugar, I made an icing from ghee, powdered sugar and water. Some minor adjustments from the original but I feel the spirit of the prep was preserved. And Radharani never makes the same thing twice, so on that argument, I didn't think They would mind the variations.

There were some eruptions in the oven as the fruit bubbled out of the seams and the sandesh expanded from the heat. I was able to stuff the escapee filling back in without much distraction from the cuteness of the prep, except for the largest one which had a cracked seam wide enough to seat a Ladu-Gopal Deity.

I kept two at home for Gaura Nitai and after offering Theirs, the kids and I sampled the maha. The dough was pleasantly crisp, probably the result of the ghee. The sandesh underwent a transformation in the oven due the heat and was a bit granular. I doubt this would have happened if the samosas were deep fried. All in all, they reminded me of what I think Pop-Tarts tasted like. But in reality, probably not.

Enthusiasm is difficult to maintain in spiritual life amidst the ebbs and flows of association and service. Whatever inspiration I can get to assist me in the service of Radha-Damodara's Vaikali offering is a true blessing. This recipe helped make today's baking a meditation as opposed to a frustration (even though I still had my kids to contend with).

There is a certain pleasure experienced when cooking tried and true preparations for the Lord. I know Krishna likes sukta, sak and chapatis. Mangos, paneer and ladus. I can read about these preparations in the CC or in the Bhoga-Aroti bhajana. But today there was a real comfort making a preparation based on a personal exchange a servant had with the Deity. This Deity.

And something I didn't remember from the email until now...the devotee Ramacharya would go into the city ghettos for sankirtan. His line was, "Hare Rama, Mama. Here's some incense for the princess." He was a big success.

To know her is to love her...

2007-08-07T17:03:00.000-07:00

This afternoon we had a surprise visit from M. Kaulini. She wanted to dip her feet in the baby pool and have some lasagna. We don't get many visitors and having Mother Kaulini drop by unexpectedly was a refreshing change of pace.

The kids hammed it up for her in the pool. We sat and talked, chanted, and laughed. When I moved here Mother Kaulini said she would be over all the time but the reality is that she is just so busy. However, Italian prasadam seems to be the great enticer. I've had the most success on the days when pizza or lasagna were on Gaura Nitai's altar. That is not surprising since the woman has eaten rice, dal and sabji practically every day for the past 30+ years.

I brought up the morning's conversation, sharing with her my appreciations.

"Well," she added, "I just got an email from [so and so] Maharaja and guess how he started it? 'Namo namah.' So..."

That seemed to settle the issue for Mother Kaulini, erasing all fiery sentiments from the barn. You see, Mother Kaulini is just so great because she loves Prabhupada and the devotees so much. She has so much respect for her godbrothers and godsisters. She defers all honor and arguments to others. She does not want to be right. She only wants Krishna to be loved.

"So what are you saying?" I asked. "You're not backtracking from this morning are you?"

She just smiled at me in a rather mischevious way.

"But you can't! I posted a blog entry about it!"

Mother Kaulini, laughing, put her hand to her head and let out a famous "Oh no!".

"Well, I was just being too fanatical. The main thing is that we maintain the culture but these little things are just details..."

"But how will we maintain the culture if we change it?" Now I was being mischevious. I wanted to see how she would respond.

She said that she'd have to think about it. I went to get the lasagna.

After prasadam she said, "In fear and concern we shouldn't lose what Prabhupada has given us."

"Can I quote you on that? Wait, say it again so that I remember."

Madhumati and I finished Mother Kaulini's remnants as we swung on the cedar swing. I was still awed by the fact that her earlier passion had now transformed into a retraction. Humility, tolerance, compassion, free of false prestige--all these words readily describe Mother Kaulini. A lesser soul would not have backed down.

And she preaches, too...

2007-08-07T11:57:00.000-07:00

This morning at the barn Mother Kaulini was talking to me about the current trend amongst devotees to use "namo namah" and "Sri Guru Jayatah" in emails as opposed to the good old-fashioned "Please accept my humble obeisances" and "Jaya Srila Prabhupada."

Mother Kaulini, who's mood of "strict with oneself, lenient with others" is the example I struggle to follow, became very animated while talking on this subject. She gesticulated and shook her head back and forth in disbelief. Usually Mother Kaulini is very grave in the sense that she is hard to read, but there was no mistaking her disapproval this morning.

"When the servant starts thinking he knows more than the master, than this is a big problem."

She continued, "These things are very, very subtle." Citing a class she just heard on her iPod, she related how Prabhupada said that he is not very learned in all this fancy sanskrit.

Mother Kaulini's position was clear. Srila Prabhupada set the example and we shouldn't become so puffed up to think that his example is not good enough for us. There will be no advancement if we harbor this offensive mentality. By disregarding Prabhupada's example, we disregard his mercy, too.

Mother Kaulini has lived at Gita Nagari for 31 years continuously. I think she joined 3 years prior to moving here. Definitely, she is an example of what it means to be fixed.

I was thinking about her words and agreed, but thought maybe it was a bit fundamental. The times they are a changing, as the saying goes. I mentioned how one devotee, a committed practitioner and an intellectual scholar, has taken to writing "obeisance" as opposed to "obeisances." The former isn't in the dictionary.

In a way I can see his point. While I prefer the early 70's sounding "Jaya Swami Prabhupada," I understand that everyone may not be as inspired as I am by invoking the mood of the early days. For preaching, he needs to sound erudite. By accepting a position in academia, he may have to replace devotee jargon with academic jargon. What could be the harm in a minor adjustment?

After the barn, I went home and was hanging laundry. And that is when I remembered that pastime of a disciple of Bhaktisiddhanta Maharaja who took a book to the printer. (Of course, maybe the story is not about a disciple of Bhaktisiddhanta Maharaja....my memory is not so good. If anyone would like to post the real story...that would make me so happy...) The printer tells the devotee, "this word here, it is not in the dictionary, you need to change it." The disciple replies that if the word is not in the dictionary, than the dictionary needs to be changed.

The lesson here is simple. Do we want to be Dictionary das or Prabhupada das?

I appreciate Mother Kaulini's stalwart devotion to Srila Prabhupada. She is one of the few devotees I have met who are able to maintain this mood of complete dedication to Srila Prabhupada while staying open-hearted to all Vaisnavas.

Someone else may express these same sentiments that Mother Kaulini expressed to me this morning, but their motivation may not be the same. Truly concerned and in the mood of a well-wisher, Mother Kaulini's critique of this social phenomena is not meant as a personal criticism directed towards any one individual. Rather, she has seen so much in her time as a devotee and simply wants to safegaurd the devotees and the movement from Maya's offensive.

Mother Kaulini is such an exemplarary soul. I don't think anyone can quite compare to her specific uniqueness. She has remained so simple, perfecting her devotional service at Gita Nagari, despite so many external changes and challenges. She serves Krishna without hesitation. Her dedication to Prabhpada is unquestionable.

That is why she is able to love all the Vaisnavas so freely.

Visnujana Swami, Nectar of Devotion Class, Mayapur April 1975

2007-08-06T18:27:00.000-07:00

Dancing Before the Deity. [page 75] “In the Dvaraka-Mahatmya the importance of dancing before the Deity is stated by Lord Krishna as follows: 'A person who is in a jubilant spirit, who feels profound devotional ecstasy while dancing before Me, and who manifests different features of bodily expression can burn away all the accumulated sinful reactions he has stocked up for many, many thousands of years.'”
So in other words, one should dance before the Deity very jubilantly, even if one doesn't have the symptoms of ecstasy, namely tears in the eyes, shivering in the body, still he should dance before the Deity on the order of the Spiritual Master. One should not think, “Until I become advanced enough I won't dance before the Deity.” No, one should follow the order of the Spiritual Master, the desire of the Spiritual Master, and dance very jubilantly and nicely before the Deity, and this will increase your enthusiasm for devotional service. If you stand in the background and don't dance jubilantly, then you won't be able to pick up the desire to join in kirtan without any thought of time, space, circumstances, etc. The nice thing is when you lose yourself in the kirtan. If you feel that this chanting can go on and on and on, that's the nicest.

Real enthusiasm...

2007-08-06T18:22:00.000-07:00

An Intimate Talk with the Devotees

Vishnujana Swami: ...Don't you know that? Any moment there could be some disaster, their whole material manufactured reality—poof! to nothing. Just one disaster could make their whole reality smashed... So at any moment any one of you could be called upon to lead thousands of people. Do you know how to do that? You have to; you have to think, “I have to qualify myself to lead thousands of people who don't know how to practice self-realization.” So you have to become guru, spiritual master. “Being guru, save the land”—that was Lord Chaitanya's mandate. Everyone should become a guru, and save the land... So take it seriously, study these books, talk amongst one another about the science, quiz one another, question one another as to how you're going to lead the world... Krishna just wants to see, how much you desire, He'll give you all facility. All glories to Srila Prabhupada!

For Sale

2007-08-06T12:19:00.000-07:00

After a late morning darsana of Sri Sri Radha Damodara (no shirt!), we took a left off the farm road, heading towards Newport for a jaunt to the health food store. Exactly .2 miles from the farm road is a lot of land for sale. Vacant, the land is currently devotee owned.

A blue-green hatch was parked on the side of the road so I slowed while I was going past. Walking the property was a couple in their early thirties. The woman dressed in a lavender racer back tank, the man in a cowboy hat and a Hooter's t-shirt. It looked to me like he had a handgun in his right hand, but that just seemed too odd to be true.

The land just went up for sale and although I don't know the price, it is a lot of acreage so it definitely won't go for cheap. I know so many devotees who would like to move to Gita Nagari. Their hearts are surrendered. They know Gita Nagari is a sweet place for raising children in both the material and spirtual sense. They all have a desire to serve Srila Prabhupada by serving this project which is fuller in potential as opposed to kinetic energy.

But the financial side of the equation just doesn't add up. The job market around here is not just modest, it's scarce. In Juniata County, your last name reveals how deep your roots go. This is a problem if your occupation is labor/construction related. We got our electrical work done for $20 an hour less than the going price around here because the contractor we used was from Tennessee. He had to work harder and cheaper to establish his business because his name was not local.

Recently we had some visiting devotees over for prasadam. They used to live here but have relocated to Alachua, only to want to return a few years later. The husband has to get through his schooling down there before they move. It is a wise decision because with a skill, the husband should have an easier time finding employment locally (meaning, within an hours drive).

When we told them our story of how we moved here, they almost didn't believe it. I had vowed never to come visit Gita Nagari again. Of course, I broke that vow and came for a visit. Upon seeing Sri Sri Radha Damodara on the first morning of our stay, I had an overwhelming feeling that we should move here.

My husband thought I was nuts.

Two weeks later I saw on the internet a house listed. I called the agent. It was 1.1 miles from the farm. At 4 in the morning I put the kids in the car and drove up from NC to look at it. I put an offer in on the spot.

Negotiations were long and tedious. Because I bid right away, the owner thought he could get more for the house. We listed our house in NC and it sold in 3 days. For $100 over asking price. We surely saw Krishna's hand at work.

But still the seller hadn't signed the contract. Negotiations stalled. We were going to be homeless. I lost 10 pounds. Finally, after visiting GN a month later at Ratha Yatra time, we offered full asking price and the seller signed.

From that first darsan to the day we moved in was no more than 2 months. My husband took a job in Baltimore, an arrangement which more or less works out.

I see how hard it is for devotees to make it work financially here. I feel how hard it is, as we get ready to forfeit an income for 3 months in exchange for a family pilgrimage to India.

It is sad that devotees are selling their land to non-devotees, but I understand. Life is so expensive and they can't possibly hold on to vacant land forever, waiting for devotees to come buy it. And strangely enough, the land always goes for sale just weeks after devotees come to Gita Nagari looking to buy. They see nothing for sale and then decide against the whole move.

Everyone wants it to be easy. Or at least for Krishna to show them a sign. Thankfully, we had it both ways. Hopefully I can remember that feeling of gratitude as I stare at the 15 inch swatch of 180 year old plaster that is peeling away from the wall.

"I am not this house."

Hare Krishna.

God's Fruit

2007-08-02T20:06:00.000-07:00

While driving along the farm road today we spotted a patch of ripe blackberries. Like finding a drop of water in a desert, we stopped the car and descended upon the berries, family style. Our mulberries, raspberries and gooseberries are all long gone. Our yard only has a few scraggly blackberry plants, not at all good fruit producers. The children were excited only to eat. Their interest in learning the difference between blackberries and raspberries non-existent. Shut up and eat was their motto, thankfully not spoken in those exact words.

We managed to pick a small bag for Radha Damodara. In additon to fresh blackberries They've been feasting daily on corn grown and cut fresh by Sanat Kumar Prabhu. Sudevi's garden, smaller than in previous years but bountiful nonetheless, provides karela, loki and other delicacies not found in the markets around here. The Deities are well fed, the devotees are happy. Although the farm is far from being self sufficient, the mood of simple living, high thinking is always there as the desired goal.

The fact that we can buy our milk daily from the farm or in 4 gallon batches from a local organic dairy really makes life more convenient and affordable. If I wasn't living out here, I don't know if we would be able to spend $4 a half gallon on organic milk. I'm able to get a full gallon for less than that price. And it is raw and fresh. We can even milk the cow ourselves, petting her and feeding her grains as a thank you.

Our garden is smaller than what "small garden" usually refers to. We never fertilized our tomatos and the zuchinis and cucumbers we are getting have come up as a result of just throwing some seeds in the ground. Most of our sabji we offer comes from Brummers. It's non-organic but freshly picked every morning. That's got to count for something.

I'm glad we can buy locally, from commercial farmers or from devotees. Buying grains such as oats and flour in bulk 25 and 50 lb bags allows me to get good deals on organic. The sad truth is that the general food supply in America is pretty carcinogenic.

BHT, which is a preservative added to most nuts, is carcinogenic. Bromates added to commercial flours are also carcinogenic. Approved by the FDA, they are banned in Europe and California. Europe seems to have a much higher standard regarding their food supply than the US. Wary of genetically modified foods, my guess is you can't buy canola oil there.

The word "canola" is a made up word, much like sucanat (SUgar CAne NATural). In this case, it means CANadA OiL. It is almost always made from genetically modified rapeseed, the same plant used to make linseed oil, a very non-edible substance.

Easily, the more I read about the low-class food supply here in the states, the more I want to run off and join the Farm in Tennessee. Well, not really but you get the gist. Ideally I want to offer Krishna the most first class foodstuffs possible, enjoying only his remants as a service. But aside from the obvious financial limitaions, I must remember that the goal in an of itslef is not first-class foodstuffs (i.e. palatable things to eat) but first class love. Sometimes it is easy to get too into the vegetarian/health food side of things in Krishna consciousness. But Prabhupada says that if Krishna wants meat, we will offer Him meat. Ultimately, we are not vegetarians but prasadatarians.

Thankfully, Krishna likes nice things. Foods that are fatty and sweet. Palatable and digestible. Krishna does not want processed and stale foods. Foods that are too salty or too spicy. He is a cowherder, enjoying the simple and natural bounty of His surroundings. The gopis are engaged in churning butter, thus making nice foodstuffs and getting their excercise in. The gopas are chasing after cows all day in the forests of Vrindavan. The lifestyle read about in Krishna Book is not easily replicated in this current age of ugra-karma. And yet, to use that as an excuse to dismiss simple living, high thinking would be a great mistake. While I cannot immitate the cowherd people of Vraja, I can meditate on their lives so that when we see a patch of blackberries ripe on the side of the road, we don't keep driving on to the store to pay $4.25 a quart but rather stop the car, get caught in a few thorns and pick an offering suitable for a king.

Who can understand His plan

2007-08-02T08:41:00.000-07:00

October 26th we leave for three months in India. Right now we are at the height of summer, everything is hot and vibrant green. At the time of our trip, the air will be cool and the trees vibrant but in a neutral, earthy way. Despite the fact that our trip is a season away, it is coming soon.

My husband and I are spending most of his time home, which is only 5 weeks between now and our trip, getting ready. Passports for the kids, figuring out tickets and arranging places to stay, preparing for our classes, making list after list after list so that we don't forget anything too important.

All this means less time for the farm. My husband has only milked a few times since the last time he was home. Thankfully, Madhumangala Prabhu is visiting from Alachua and he is right at home in the barn. Tomorrow he'll try to get back into evening milkings. But that's Friday and he leaves for work Saturday evening.

The other nite at the barn we were talking about our trip with Mother Kaulini. She just crinkled up her nose and gave a smile with a ruffled upper lip. I got nervous. I feel guilty that we are less involved at the farm these days. It seems like I am on the computer all the time, googling food additives and reading Gaura lila on the Vedabase. More time on the computer means less time at the farm.

I asked Mother Kaulini why the face and she told me she was worried we weren't going to come back. She wasn't reassured when we told her it was only a three month trip. What about our house? Our kitchen? You? We aren't going anywhere. But the fact that she wasn't satisfied pacified my guilt and set me into laughing hugs with her. It feels good to be loved and even better to love back.

This morning I woke up feeling much more settled about teaching the course. In addition to external cleanliness, we will cover internal cleanliness. A good place to start talking about pratistha. Plus, I realize I cannot control whether or not students get puffed up any more than I can control whether or not their chapatis inflate. It is all according to their own attention and efforts.

Last nite the phone rang. On the other end of the line was the devotee who was on the altar for the dhoop aroti the other nite. I don't think she's ever called here and since she was completely on my mind, I was shocked to hear her voice.

She called to apologize. When my family attended the aroti the other nite, there was some confusion about the kirtan. My husband wanted to chant but a tape was on. The pujari offered to shut the tape off but my husband was a little confused about the whole thing. So in the end he didn't chant and the tape kept playing. We didn’t think much of it.

I told her I was shocked she was calling me to apologize. She had nothing to apologize for. "Well," she said, "please forgive me for my offenses. Vaisnava aparhada is such a serious thing and I can't risk it." I told her she made no offenses, please please please forgive me for mine. She didn't know what I was talking about. I said again that she had nothing to apologize for and that I felt ridiculous that she was calling me to apologize. "Well," she said, "for some reason Krishna wanted her to call me. Who can understand what His plan is."

Dear Krishna, Bhakta Vatsala, thank you for appearing before me in the form of Mercy. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to apologize to Your devotees for my offhanded offenses. Please continue guiding me on this path of purification so I can one day become Your humble servant.

Kirtan Fundamentalist

2007-08-01T22:59:00.000-07:00

When I am not at home cooking in my sari, I like to mix things up in the studio with a little East Pakistan meets West Pakistan Kirtan.

Happy Birthday Akincana Prabhu!

Spirutual Health Benefits of a Chastising Heart

2007-08-01T15:36:00.000-07:00

Last nite at the temple while I was talking with Mother Kartamisa, she asked me if I went to the 8 o'clock aroti. "You mean the 8:05 aroti?" was my response.

Yuck. Why did I have to say that? Why did I have to criticize someone else's service?

Pratistha.

My desire for name and fame doesn't usually manifest itself on a very large scale but rather subtly. Sometimes so subtle it is difficult to see. Thankfully in this instance, Krishna immediately showed me chastisement through my own heart as it sank depressingly to the pit of my stomach. Why did I have to criticize someone else's service?

This criticism is completely childish in nature, a symptom of an immature, undeveloped, impure soul. I'm right and you are wrong. I care and you don't. Thankfully, Krishna showed favor to me and made me see my fault in such a visible and visceral way.

I am thankful because, truthfully speaking, pratistha is a pretty pervasive problem. Most of us suffer from it. An intrinsically unattractive quality, most of us do not want to discuss it. Especially when it comes to ourselves. If the desire for name and fame exists and one talks about this, well, it is kind of like shooting yourself in the foot. As a devotee, you surely will not get name and fame if you admit that you are seeking it.

Like I said before, "Yuck."

As I do research for the class I am scheduled to teach this winter, I worry more and more about the effect of teaching strict vaidhi standards on both the students and myself. My fear is that in teaching the rules and regulations, I may end of fanning the potential for pride in the students. Let me explain.

Devotees with a proclivity for brahminical services such as Deity seva tend to relish the rules and regulations. I've seen it with myself and I've seen it in other devotees. We follow the rules and this feels reassuring. Unfortunately, the danger exists to get too attached to the rules and regulations and a mood of criticism develops. I have seen this also with myself and with other devotees.

"When you're proud, you think you're upholding the standard. But you are actually degrading the standarad by causing other people to be discouraged from being interested in upholding the standard." Words of wisdom from my husband, Madhava Pandit das.

Topics like punctuality and cleanliness weigh heavy when teaching a course in Deity cooking. My service is to teach the highest despite knowing that most devotees won't follow. If you have a tray of prasadam on the work table and then bring it out to the prasadam hall, that table needs to be wiped down before any bhoga can be placed there. Considering all surfaces need to be wiped down before any cooking begins, maybe this is not such a big deal. But often times, people don't do as much wiping as they should. So, this contaminates the bhoga. This is the kind of stuff I have to get into, the details of keeping the kitchen clean.

Who is going to follow this? Maybe no one. Maybe everyone who takes the course. But then they go back to their home temple where no one may be following. And then it can happen, pratistha. I don't want my students to develop a holier than thou atitude. I don't want them to think that they've completed this course of study at the Mayapur Academy and therefore are better than other devotees. I know this sounds like a childish mentality, but the mind is often like an uncontrollable child. I know, I have both a mind and a toddler. There is a lot in common there.

When discussing this with my husband, he said, "Never see yourself as someone else's chastiser. This is the litmus test of pride vs. humility." I found this statement really helpful and will try to integrate it into my own proud consciousness.

Lately it seems I am seeing everything in relation to myself. Recently I was part of an online discussion about the use of western instruments such as accordians in kirtan. To me,the topic transcended kirtan and spoke to me in a broader way. Too much attachment or too little attachment to the rules and regulations, mercy towards the devotees and inner, subtle pride not properly dovetailed in Krishna's service were themes that I focused my responses around. In retrospect, I see how out of place my responses were in relation to the other devotees' discourse. All my postings were burdened with "I, me and my." I spoke about cooking while the topic was kirtan. I really don't know what the other devotees thought of this.

Towards the end of my participation in the discussion, I began to experience worries about the class I am scheduled to teach. Worries about encouraging the highest standard with the Deities and neglecting loving, encouragement amongst the devotees. The conflict of acting correctly and the danger of developing pride in being correct were prominent in my consciousness. So much so that Krishna permitted me to dive deeper into my own dirty heart and emerge chastened, with greater knowledge of what I have inside me.

Although my comments were probably not so helpful to the devotee who initiated the discussion, the exchanges really helped me become introspective on a topic which was maybe a little too close to home for me. By approaching the topic of "too much attachment to the rules and regulations" through the buffer of the accordian, Krishna mercifully allowed me to think about something important which I may not have thought about at all.

Now I just need to spend some time thinking about the fine line between self absorption and introspection....

Chanting Like a Sixteen Year Old Girl

2007-07-31T11:53:00.000-07:00

We here at Gita Nagari are fortunate. Even though the Samadhi Festival and Ratha Yatra have passed, visitors remain. There are a few car loads of devotees from Alachua here as well as a retired grhasta couple from South Africa. Not only do these devotees attend the morning program but their prescence inspires others to attend.

Despite this, there was no one willing to lead the 7:30 dhoop aroti kirtan. As the only Gita Nagari resident in the temple room, I had no choice but to take up the chanting. Opporutnity often arises for me to lead kirtan. That is just one of the realities of living in a nearly deserted community.

I began chanting, painfully aware of my untrained voice. I was praying that I was not paining any of our guests' eardrums. The kirtans of Lord Caitanya are so beautiful that they melt stone. It is quite possible that my voice could petrify ice cream.

But as I was chanting, meditating on the disqualification of my vocal chords, I recognized that this self absorption was distracting me from hearing the Holy Name. Instead of worrying about my shortcomings, I would try to absorb myself in the vibration.

But where to begin?

"Regarding your question about feeling emotions during kirtana, these are real spiritual emotions. Spiritual emotions cannot be experienced by the fallen souls; but one who is feeling spiritual emtions is not actually fallen. That is the benediciton of this sankirtana movement that it elevates one to the highest positon of spiritual expeiences." (SPL to Krsna Devi, 2 Nov 1969)

I would chant with feeling. A feeling of gratitude.

namnam akari bahuda nija-sarva-saktis
tatrapita niyamitah smarane na kalah
etadrsi tava krpa bhagavan mamapi
durdaivam idrsam ihajani nanuragah

O my Lord, your holy name alone can render all benediction to living beings, and thus You have hundreds and millions of names, like Krsna and Govinda. In these transcendental names You have invested all Your transcendental energies. There are no hard and fast rules for chanting these names. O my Lord, out of kindness You enable us to easily approach You by Your holy names, but I am so unfortuante that I have no attraction for them.

I looked intently at Bhaktisiddhanta Maharaja's altar picture. But I am so unfortunate that I have no attraction for them. Please, give me that attraction.

At that instant I remembered a kirtan from 1997 at the Rutgers University program headed by Maha Muni Prabhu. This specific kirtan was lead by Dhanya Mataji, at that time Bhaktin Donia. It was spring and I had just begun coming to these programs which were only 20 minutes from my house. The programs took place in the basement of a dormatory in some sort of multi-purpose room. The surroundings were institutional. Blue indoor outdoor carpeting, flourescent lighting, no open windows or fresh air. It wasn't exactly Vaikuntha. But preaching was going on; a group of young devotees, eager to get back to reality, had assembled to chant the Holy Name.

Dhanya was sixteen years old. Plain and devotional. She was six years younger than me and lifetimes more knowledgable about the bhakti-yoga process. A serious practitioner, at the time I saw her as having the affect of a small,pure, cloistered nun. She intrigued me as both a curiosity and as an example.

Maha-muni prabhu asked her to lead the kirtan. She picked up the kartals and began chanting Prabhupada's pranam mantras, moving on to the Panca-tattva maha-mantra on through to the Hare Krishna maha-mantra. Her eyes were closed in a tight squint and her voice quivered with her chanting. Droplets of tears hung on her lashes, discreetly sliding down her face, landing as darkened polka dots on her sari.

She was chanting with feeling, without inhibition and it was moving.

Looking back at that time I see we were all so young. Dhanya at 16, me at 22. Still, after all these years, I don't know how old Dhanya was when she joined. I don't know how many years she had been practicing Krishna consciousness before she lead that electrifying kirtan.

And it doesn't matter. She was absorbed in the process of hearing and chanting and therefore her kirtan was absorbing. She performed her service with feeling and this elicited feeling from those surrounding her.

Thinking back to my 16th year of life, I remember the cliched emotional turbulence inherent to the period of adolescence. Relationships with my peers were absorbing and life felt rich and important.

As a teenager, I lived in the present moment. There was not much of a past to lament nor was my focus centered on the future. The moment was now and that was all that mattered. If only I had Krishna...

Accessing this memory of Mother Dhanya- young, enthusiastic, emotional- inspired and focused my chanting. Holding my son tight on my hip, I tried to follow in that mood of chanting like a sixteen year old girl.

Jaya Jagannatha, Jaya Jagannatha, Jaya Baladeva, Jaya Subhadra!!!

2007-07-30T21:09:00.000-07:00

*photo by mother ortrun gates

Ratha Yatra: A Shower of Nectar

2007-07-29T22:47:00.000-07:00

Two years ago, atop Govardhana Hill, the sky opened up and sheets of rain unexpectedly blasted down, bombarding Jagannatha and His devotees from every direction. This year, Ratha Yatra was 100% drier. The only showers experienced by the devotees were showers of pure, unrefined mercy coming from the Lord Himself.

Is it possible that in two days I experienced more spiritual growth than in the last two years? I think so. The mercy was just so potent.

My morning began picking vibernum and trumpet vine for the cart. The previous owner who did all the gardening is surely the recipient of some major agata sukrti. Our yard is full of wonderful plants which seem to always make it onto the altar at festival time. Then, after some initial setbacks due to lack of space and overall craziness in the temple kitchen, I cooked the raja bhoga at home. Nine preps in an hour and a half, by the mercy of Srila Prabhupada.

After the raja bhoga, the cart was brought to the temple to get Srila Prabhupada. We all headed down to the cabin to greet Jagannatha, who was wearing the most exquisite crowns from Mayapur. Usually Jagannatha wears turbans, but on this day new crowns decorated in rich blue sequins and two dimensional peacocks adorned His head. It was a very special and original look for Ratha Yatra. Without a doubt, the Lord showed He has great style!

The kirtan began with the chanting of that Bengali gurukuli from Potomac (with the really big sikha) who's name I can never remember. The chanting was very melodious and everyone was dancing and, at the very least, swaying from side to side. When he invoked the names of the Panca Tattva, I closed my eyes and tried to imagine Mahaprabhu dancing in front of the Ratha cart. Once the Panca Tattva was invoked, off we went, pulling the Lord back to Vrindavan.

This year the cart took a planned detour off the road past the barn. Jagannatha got an up-close look at His cows before heading to Govardhana Hill. At the foot of the hill the cart stopped as my husband, the steerer, called for more men to help with the ropes. Advaita and my husband led a roaring "Hariboooooooool!!!" as the devotees charged their way up Govardhana. The roar of their labor crashed through the atmosphere, sounding like Nrsringhadeva breaking through the pillar.

On top of the hill a beautiful feast of fresh fruits, crackers, sweets and savories was offerd as aroti was performed. At this point Govinda Prabhu took over the kirtan and the Ghanain devotees cut loose, moving in ways otherwise thought impossible by most contortionists. By observing these devotees I can easily see that Krishna consciousness is not an artificial imposition on the mind. The devotees from Ghana have eagerly accepted the process yet maintain their own cultural flavor. The two are not at odds.

There was a very nice devotee passing out lemonade at the top of the hill with his son. The two of them eached lugged a 5 gallon bucket up the hill so that they could serve out juice to the festival attendees. Later, at the site, he was introduced as the biggest donor for the Ratha Yatra. I was so impressed by his service passing out juice, attentively fulfilling the needs of the sometimes demanding devotees. When I learned of his financial generosity, it occurred to me that a soul with a truly giving heart does not make distinction how to give.

Pandu prabhu spent the entire day cleaning up the devotee's trash, sorting through it all to separate recyclables. He looked so happy doing this service, like Jayananda Prabhu. In fact, I told him that he made collecting the devotee's garbage look so attractive, I want to do it next year.

Upon walking back to the temple, at the bend by the store, I met our houseguests, Pusta Krishna Prabhu, Dahu Brahman Mataji and their daughter Krishna Priya. Later that evening, after the kids had gone to sleep, we sat under the moonlight in our yard with Prabhu and Mataji for hours while the nectar flowed. We all went to bed at 1 in the morning.

Prabhu has an amazing mind. He served as Prabhupada's secretary, travelling around the world with him. Taraka Prabhu was telling me tonite that he always thought of Pusta Krishna as the ideal disciple. He was always temendously intelligent and had a way of drawing forth more and more from Prabhupada from the intelligent questions he asked.

His children are very devotee identified, yet not in an institutional way. One of the things that impressed me the most about them as a family unit was their love for one another. The fact that they enjoy one another's company was very obvious. The kids, 19 and 22, came out to sit and hear their father speak for hours about Krishna consciousness. They didn't do it as some kind of external show of keeping up appearances. It was totally natural and unforced.

The next morning Prabhu gave class at the temple and everyone was so happy. A nice point he made in the class was to be in Krishna consciousness NOW! There are no prerequisites to becoming Krishna conscious. We do not have to give up anything to take up the process. We don't need to worry about the future or lament the past. Simply we need to be Krishna conscious now. A very effective point.

I had to leave the class when question/answers began because my kids were getting restless. As I was leaving he said, "You don't have to go. Stay. Let the kids play,that's natural." But we left because they wanted to play outside.

Fourty five minutes later devotees emerged from the temple, glowing. One devotee said to me, "I want to take him home with me!" Many people were saying it was the best class they heard in a long time.

There was a lot of purification for me between the lines of this entry. While some things are too complicated to get into now, I am sure they will work their way into my trickle down thought process known as my blog. One theme that seemed to reappear in surprisingly different forms throughout the weekend was, "vaidhi bhakti: know when to say when." Thankfully the knowledge seems to be coming by the vaisnavas' mercy...

Tomorrow's the big day....

2007-07-27T05:35:00.000-07:00

Snana Yatra (pictures from finish to start)

2007-07-26T21:24:00.000-07:00

This past Sunday was Jagannatha Snana Yatra. Attendence was small since many devotees were in NY for Ian's wedding, which apparently was a real life boogey down production. The mood was family (especially since Hari Chakra Prabhu's clan was at least half the devotees attending).

We all bathed the Lord with a conch of either honey, ghee, milk or scented water while the kirtan glorified the Holy Name. Afterwards we escorted Jagannatha down to Prabhupada's cabin along the bank of the Yamuna. He has been there since, enacting his "sick" pastime. Saturday we will all go with the Ratha to pick him up.

It was especially nice seeing Mother Kaulini with her Jagannatha. These were the Deities she took care of on the ladies sankirtan party and these are the Deities that she dresses every morning. Her happiness serving them is obviously not artificial.

This afternoon we visited her at the cabin with hopes of sneaking a special darsan. No luck today but we may try again tomorrow. Mother Kaulini was there with a Prabhupada lecture playing. I asked if there was any maha and she pointed me in the direction of a large tray of dried fruit, nuts, cookies and fresh apricots.

She bought the apricots at the Cheesnook the day before. A special purchase for Jagannatha. And then the servant of the Supreme Lord said, "Advaita said these are his favorite fruit. We have to remember that." Even though she is more than fully engaged taking care of the Lord and His cows, she still makes that extra effort to render some service to the devotees, even if in this case it is just mentally.

SB 5.19.25

2007-07-26T18:11:00.000-07:00

An intelligent person does not take interest in a place, even in the topmost planetary system, if the pure Ganges of topics concerning the Supreme Lord's activities does not flow there, if there are not devotees engaged in service on the banks of such a river of piety, or if there are no festivals of sankirtana-yajna to satisfy the Lord [especially since sankirtana-yajna is recommended in this age].

Via Medium

2007-07-25T23:03:00.000-07:00

(dedicated to '97-'99. And the aftermath)

My heart had been stopped
for years
palpatating at moments
late at nite
in the back of my closet dark
alone or
in my husband's arms
clinging why won't you cling back

It once pulsed passionately
everything had a rhythm
mondrian birthday cake, marlboro mediums,
The Talking Heads, Sharon Olds, brown pants,
Hole, God, misunderstandings, the ocean,
driving, New Jersey, Chip Kidd, identity

I felt alive but then I found out
I had never been nor could ever be
without you
Not God but Same as God

My heart had been stopped for years
broken pained fractured weak
sometimes
hardened black stone ugly
sometimes
you know my heart
you are my heart

And then two years after your death
I picked up the phone
and got through
the metaphor

Live through this with me
I swear that I will die
for you

The internment is over
It has just begun

Bahir Nrsimho Hrdaye Nrsimho

2007-07-22T10:03:00.000-07:00

This morning as we were driving to the temple, I took notice of the light. The air was crisp, the temperature outside was an autumnal 57 degrees. The sunlight illuminated the now towering greens of the corn stalks. Maple and locust leaves waved and flutterd alongside us, casting bohemian shadows on the pavement. White clover buds punctuated embankments of grass, catching the light, looking like enlarged opaque snowflakes. The beauty of the region is always there, but this morning, the light made it spectacular.

Out here, in this sunken valley, hedged in by the foothills of the Appalachians, I have this tendency to savour the beauty of nature. I see the area not as the Juniata Valley or the township of Spruce Hill but as Gita Nagari Mandala. Still, I tend to feel guilty for indulging in enjoying Krishna's Universal Form.

When we arrived at the temple, it was just me and the kids and Pariksit Prabhu in the kirtan. Really, there was practically nobody there. Adikarta Prabhu and his wife left early this morning. It was just us and the Lord. No complaints from us.

Today is Snana Yatra and my son was expecting the festival to be taking place this morning at the temple. I explained to him that the bathing would take place at this evening's feast program. And then, I noticed something so beautiful. More beautiful than the play of light off the natural surroundings which we had witnessed just minutes earlier.

We saw Damodara, completely bathed in sunlight, his flute glowing in competition with His arms and face. His features were barely recognizable. All that could be seen was His transcendental effulgence.

I went to the pujari room to tell M. Kartamisa to come get a look at the special darsana of Damodara. She quickly came out to the front of the altar and her jaw dropped. She turned to me and said, "The sun just picks who he wants to show off. Sometimes it's Gaura Nitai." Today the sun was showcasing Lord Damodara.

In a way, we have come to expect such simple pleasures in our life. Moments like this give me some insight into what Prabhupada meant by "simple living, high thinking." You don't have to poop in a field to live simply. It is as much a state of mind as a state of physical activity.

Recently I was contacted by my 9th grade high school boyfriend. Nothing personal, just a result of being out there, available on the web. But I looked at his myspace page and his website and saw a glimpse into his life.

Danny and his wife Deena are about to have a baby. That is about the only conventional thing about his life. After high school, he and his twin brother went to clown college in Sarasota, Fl. They then toured with Ringling Brothers Circus, appearing on an episode of Maury Povich dedicated to twins with interesting jobs. A long time ago I remember he moved to San Francisco and was going to school for teaching. And then I joined Krishna Consciousness.

Our paths have crossed a few times since I became a devotee. I knew he lived in Brooklyn, was getting married, practiced Buddhism (initiated name Shambu) and was into music. From his myspace page I see he has continued with his art, designs clothing and is into the traceur thing...you know, jumping off city buildings and running up walls.

He is an interesting, positive character. There is no doubt his daughter will grow up in a world of amazement, color and creativity. Maybe she, too, will swing with the monkeys in the Amazon like her father. Maybe she, too, will be prone to fits of juggling knives and fire and whatever else is dangerous.

The experience of looking at Danny's pictures online was very striking. We were boyfriend and girlfriend when I was 14/15 and then good friends. Yet always, our lives were very different. Danny has always been a person of external adventure. I am not at all surprised at the odd and boutique turns his life has taken.

But here I am, living in rural Pennsylvania, 1.1 miles from a near empty Hare Krishna farm. No tv, no radio, some internet. No videos, no movies, no music except kirtan and devotee children cd's. No fun except making jam, petting cows, one man kirtans and lots of family time. And I am happy.

I know some people criticize my husband and I for limiting our scope (and specifically our children's scope) of the world. But we don't see it that way. We are not intentionally narrowing our reality, although to truly narrow it so that we see only Krishna would be a very appealing opportunity. While other's may base their child rearing philosophy on idealogies of creativity and independence, we base our's on ideas of self satisfaction and simplicity.

We want our children to be content with themselves. To live in the present and commune with their inner heart. Sensory stimulaton will always be there and a quick fix of pleasure is readily available to anyone with cash to spend (or you can just charge it!). But as the world continually speeds up and as the next generation becomes more and more jaded even before entering preschool, we feel our kids will have an advantage by being satisfied with as little as possible.

Today my son ran over to me with a fist full of grass. "Smell this, mata," he requested excitedly. "It smells so gooood!"

Grass. Something so simple and so abundant. And yet it brought my children such pleasure. They spend time looking at the different grasses. Smelling the different grasses. Even tasting the spicy grasses. Completely unexotic and manual.

Recently I was at the house of a dear friend. She is a terrific mother, giving many experiences to her child. A serious devotee, she is committed to raising her children in a Krishna Conscious environment. Like many mothers, she allows her child to watch devotional children's videos. We don't watch these movies at home, but when in Rome, what could be the harm?

The movie began and my children, unaccustomed to sitting back and relaxing in front ot the tv, stood three inches from the screen. Once I was able to get them to move back a foot, I was also able to see the movie. I was excited and interested to see what my kids were missing. Plus, I was thinking of purchasing a portable DVD player for the kids to watch during the 23 hour plane ride to India. I wanted to see what my options were.

And then as quickly as the images appeared on the screen my hoped fizzled. I was taken aback by the He-man, GI Joe-ness of the animation. That's not what my Krishna looks like! That's not what my Putana looks like! The ordinariness of the representations disturbed me. Krishna is beautiful. Krishna is God. He is Purnam, perfect. How could He and His associates be denigrated by the pen of some animator, devoid of any love. The difference between the images in the cartoon and the images in Krsna Book were stark; It was as if hearing Bhagavatam from a paid reciter as opposed to hearing from the unadulterated bhakti of Srila Prabhupada.

My shock was real. I couldn't believe I was having such a strong reaction to a cartoon. But why not? God is not ordinary, nor is He cartoonish. I felt robbed by the television. All that time spent listening to Mother Yamini and Amala Bhakta Prabhu singing and reciting the Lord's pastimes while my mind dressed the Lord, seeing His ankle bells sparkle as He rolled over, kicking the cart....my son must have also had his own images in his mind. And now what would become of them? Would they be replaced by this tacky rendition of the pastimes?

I know this sounds dramatic, but I really felt my freedom of expression encroached upon.

Freedom of expression is something I take seriously, not as something in and of itself to develop, but because I see it developing in direct correlation to and as an expression of Krishna Consciousness.

When I think back to my high school years, or even the years of my life prior to marrying my husband, I can't really remember myself. Instead I see myself in relationship to others. Boyfriends, mothers, friends, religious institutions, university classes. What music I listened to, what bookstore I frequented, what magazines I bought, what style eyeglasses I wore. All these things defined me. I can give you the detail of all these signifiers but still I wouldn't be able to tell you very much about myself.

All these character foils and accoutrements can only sketch an outline of who I was. Or wasn't. Trying to be. I remember Danny as so many things, but what do I remember of myself?

I remember he was the hunch back in our school Drama. I was the dead body, literally lifeless, which he carried across the stage. This is my memory. This is who I was. A prop to serve someone else's character development.

And to be completely honest, it is the most accurate.

By joining Krishna Consciousness and discovering my identity as Krishna Das, I began defining myself in relation to the Supreme Absolute. Krishna is not a relative truth. He is not beautiful only depending on who else is in the room. He is not the supreme cool because he is wearing the most current fashion. He is not the most intelligent because he got a full scholarship to a graduate program at Harvard. Krishna is the standard by which everything else is judged.

Without question, however, my life continued as a non-memory. My earlier times spent in devotional service are often lost to my recollection. Although I am not a fan of psychology, I admit that I am probably a sufferer of some sort of post-traumatic stress disorder. I remember enough to know I really would like to forget...

I mentioned to one devotee recently that I had some rough experienes as a newer devotee but that my husband really has helped me overcome them. She replied, "By helping you become more assertive?" But that wasn't it. What my husband has done is help me become more internal. To connect more with myself.

I've been here all along. Just no one was there to listen to me.

My husband, in all his sweetness, has enabled me to open up to myself. An exceptionally magnanamous gesture, considering unlike some other people, I prefer to find my adventures locally, within my heart.

Prabhupada Knows our Heart

2007-07-19T22:40:00.000-07:00

Today was a lovely day.

We were expecting Advaita for lunch prasadam at 1 o'clock. While we were waiting for the farm limo to pull into our driveway, the phone rang. It was three minutes past one. He called to cancel. Somehow he got wrapped up in some service with Bali and was not able to make it.

We all handled the news rather well. Neither my husband or I were surprised. Rather, we saw the incident as Gaura Nitai's trickery. This morning I finally moved Them back to Their altar from the kitchen. The harinama procession from the kitchen to the temple room must have worked up Their appetite. A feast was definitely in order! It was a simple feast of salad,chapatis, pizza and cheesecake. Yet the caloric content defintely delivered. We packed up some pizza for Advaita "Prabhuji" in case he stopped by for some take out.

Then we got ready for the second shift of devotees who were coming for dinner. Mother Kaulini, Mother Gangagati, Mother Atita Guna, Mother Rucira and Adi Karta Prabhu were all scheduled to arrive at 6.

I was planning on making paneer pakoras, served with quince chatni, however once I stopped by the temple to drop off the 4 o'clock sweet, I nixed that prep. Mother Kaulini was in the kitchen with all the matajis cooking. She looked so happy surrounded by her peers. The four ladies had divided up the raja bhoga and were joyfully assembling Damodara's meal. There was a pile of paneer about a half a foot tall, sprawled out on the countertop. The chunks were cut into two inch cubes. That was when I had the realization that there may be such a thing as too much paneer. At least in one day.

Another reason I deleted the pakoras from the menu was the fact that as I began to cook lunch, I suddenly realized we were out of propane. We never had this happen before, however we were not at all surprised that it happened on a day we were expecting guests. Of course, my brain was somehow disconnected from the fact that there was no propane. I would think, "There is no propane, so let me just make caramel sauce." Or, "I'll make chapatis now since I can't cook the sauce for the lasagna because their is no propane."

All I can say about this is, "Duh."

The propane was delivered and all continued in the kitchen according to Sri Sri Gaura Nitai's plan. Venumadhava was particularly good and funny today. Madhumati's crying was at a record minimum. This all added to the overall mood of calm in the kitchen while I was busy cooking for Gaura Nitai. The lasagna with roasted vegetables was offered. All we had left to do was chant. And wait.

After Advaita cancelled for lunch and after I saw the huge, beautiful feast the matajis were cooking at the temple, I wasn't feeling too confident that our dinner guests would actually show. The weather was hot and humid, not the most appetite stimulating.

Six o'clock came. My husband and I sat by the kitchen window with our hands in our bead bags. Six o'clock went. Madhumati was asleep upstairs and Venumadhava busied himself in the wood stove room with his trains. I looked at my husband. He looked at me. We looked at the prasdam. "No problem," he said, "It'll all keep. I can take it to work with me."

Eventually the devotees came! Yes, they were a little late, but who was keeping track of time? We were just happy to have them over. To our surprise, Advaita even showed up and happily indulged in pizza and cheesecake, despite a vrata not to eat after 6 pm. Also, Mother Kaulini brought Mother Locana Padma, a longtime devotee of Radha Damodara.

I think this must have been the largest gathering of Prabhupada disciples we've ever hosted in our house. It was great seeing Mother Kaulini with her girlfriends. She just seemed so relaxed, with a constant blush of happiness on her cheeks.

Mother Rucira, who's chapatis I took note of when I stopped by the temple kitchen this afternoon, spoke to me about the importance of women cooking for their husbands. Cooking, she said, is the most intimate service you can do for your husband because your consciousness is transmitted through the food preparations and therefore actually becomes a part of his consciousness. She also gave me the benediction that my husband will not leave me as long as I keep cooking for him. Okay, so maybe it wasn't in benediciton format, but it easily translated into it in my mind. And after speaking with Mother Rucira, I am eager for whatever benedictions I can get from her.

After prasadam, I spoke with Mother Gangagati. She used to live in the house Syama Gopa Rupa's family now lives in. Mother Gangati was telling me that she has been hearing a voice in her head telling her to move back here.

So many devotees love Gita Nagari. So many devotees want to move here. One day.

While it can be frustrating sometimes to think about all the "almost moved heres," the key is to never give up hope. And keep looking to Mother Kaulini.

Mother Gangagati told me about when she got initiated in Vrindavan in April of 1976. She had been living at the Gainesville temple, doing sankirtan and blissfully practicing austerities. The temple president suggested she go to India.Once there he said to her she was going to get initiated in Mayapur. Then all these wild thoughts came into her head. Did she really want to be a Hare Krishna? Did she really want to go back to godhead and give up all sense enjoyment? No, she thought. She wanted to bloop. But she was in India...so, how was she going to do that?

The day of the initiation, she got dressed up in a sari handed down by Jadurani. And then, it happened. Her temple president came to her and said that he was really sorry but her name was not on the list of new initiates. She wasn't getting initiated.

When she got the news, it hit her. She understood that Prabhupada knew her heart. He knew she had doubts. She was devestated that she wasn't getting initiated. She did want to be a Hare Krishna devotee! She did want to go back to godhead! And then, after she had this epiphany of sorts, her TP came to her and said that she would get initiated in a few weeks in Vrindavan.

I was so grateful to hear Mother Gangagati's story. Prabhupada knew her heart.

I want Prabhupada to know my heart, as well. The last few nites I have been trying to dive into preparing for the class I am scheduled to teach in December in Mayapur.

I told both Mother Atita Guna and Mother Rucira about the class I am preparing to teach in Mayapur. Both Mother Atita Guna and Mother Rucira are delicious cooks, serving in deep meditation of the pleasure of the Supreme Lord and Srila Prabhupada. Actually, either of them would make great instructor's for this course. The two of them gave me valuable suggestions which I will definitely utilize. And their words of encouragement did wonders for me.

Mother Rucira's words were exactly what I needed to hear in order to quell my worries. And not only was it what I needed to hear, but it was what I needed to hear from the right source. A cook with credentials, Mother Rucira's encouragement was noteworthy. Literally, after she left I jotted a few things down.

At the end of the evening, my husband took everyone's blood pressure. After a meal of pizza, lasagna and caramel topped cheesecake, it was not a shock that most women in the room had slightly high blood pressure.

We had a small kirtan in the temple room. Hugs were exchanged amongst the ladies and then everyone slipped out the door on the way to their cars.

My husband and I looked around at the aftermath. The house was undisturbed. The kitchen clean. Our seven dinner guests left behind very few traces of their visit. I suppose this is what it is like when kids are grown and life becomes truly adult.

Preparing for Lord Jagannatha!

2007-07-17T05:47:00.000-07:00

Jagannatha Ratha Yatra is coming to Gita Nagari!

These days The Talking Heads are not singing in my mind so much. Right now, this Heaven is a place where things are actually happening.

Last nite we went to the barn to see Premanjana in her new purple harnass, looking like royalty. It complements her milk chocolatey fur very well. Mother Gangagati and Mother Atitha Guna took Mother Kaulini to the Amish shoe shop to outfit the calf with a new harnass and get our gopi a new cowherd stick.

Outside the barn, our favorite "Prabhuji" (as the kids so affectionately call him, Adwaita Prabhu, was weedwacking the property in his camo pants and Pandava Sena t-shirt. A farm brahmacari for sure, even though he is spending most of his time these days in New York City. He made a strap for the weedwacker with his saffron chaddar, the same technique he uses to carry his harmonium while jumping in kirtan.

Regardless of the service, Adwaita Prabhu maintains his enthusiasm. He sees all of Krishna's seva with equal vision. Happily leading kirtan, building the samadhi, doing yard work. If he had to drive a taxi for Prabhupada, there is no doubt in my mind that he would do it without complaint. Actually, I am positive he would find some way to make that service seem like the most important service anyone could possibly be doing for Krishna.

Past the barn, at the bend in the road by the store, Bali was double parked. That city slicker! He is always available to give us a big smile and tease the kids about their bikes and milk bottles (Bali plans to run off with both of these items). Surely he was doing something for the upcoming festival. Something that involved his white pick-up truck and his red dump truck running at the same time.

Down the road, past the temple, behind the asrama sits the cart. Disassembled yet getting there. Everything at Gita Nagari is in process, and the cart, old and rickety, is no exception. Mother Sudevi is in charge of cleaning it up. Without a doubt she will gather a team of devotees to decorate the cart. The morning of the festival it will be transformed from its current state to a beautiful Vaikuntha carrier.

Mother Kaulini is everywhere, going about her usual services while she readies herself for Jagannatha's move to the cabin. On top of her usual services (dressing Jagannatha, morning milking, cooking raja bhoga, cleaning all the day's transfer containers, cleaning up around the temple, evening milking, etc. etc. etc.), our darling gopi will be at the cabin doing all the arotis and offerings for Jagannatha. I know she will be happily stressed for her dear Lord and I know Krishna will make it all happen, but I feel terrible that I cannot be of any relief to her.

Dear Lord Jagannatha, you are the Master of the Universe! Please send some help, in whatever form you see suitable, to your dearmost devotee, Mother Kaulini.

Dear friends and well-wishers of Mother Kaulini, please echo this prayer to the Supreme Lord. There is strength in numbers!

Next to the temple, the samadhi's presence is positive. Devotees from the community are drawn there to chant in the direct association of their Guru. Cars are coming and going on and off the property. I am envisioning the samadhi, still a slightly controversial point amongst some devotees, as a beehive. The Queen (in this case the King) is there inside, sending his worker bees out to do service. All that is produced is honey.

As we left the farm, along the dusty road, we stopped the car twice to collect the long, plumey peacock feathers dropped from Krishna's birds of paradise. These were the kind tipped with eyes, the kind we don't usually have the luck to find. They'll make nice souveniers for the visiting devotees at Ratha Yatra time.

Every year the peacocks drop their feathers in time for the festival, signaling Jagannatha's move to the cabin. Every year the service goes on, despite the appearance of Heaven being "a place where nothing every happens."

Transcendental Aspects of a Friendship

2007-07-16T22:28:00.000-07:00

More on Gopa and Kisori...
Today I was thinking of the first time I ate at Gopa and Kisori's. It was 2001 and for some reason I was up from New Vrindavan, spending a weekend at their house. They were gracious hosts even then.

Excited to have me over for prasadam, they pulled out their Kurma cookbook and proceeded to take an hour and half to make pasta with tomato sauce. The time passed slowly. My hunger increased quickly. I had never seen two people take such a long time to cook such a simple meal. I felt so embarrassed.

At the time, Gopa and Kisori were Karl and Kelly, uninitiated and still pretty new to Krishna Consciousness. They had been introduced to the devotees about 4 years earlier but were becoming much more serious around the time that I happened to visit.

Their enthusiasm to serve the devotees, even a meager, fallen pretender like myself, was evident then. Karl and Kelly opened up Kurma's cookbook, broke open a fresh container of hing and set to work cooking the most time consuming, basic, devotional, delicious meal I had been served.

Spices, herbs and salt were irrelevant. As far as I recall, the taste of the prasadam was probably not an exact reproduction from Kurma's Kitchen. The taste was love in the form of hospitality and sincerity in service. Such love is usually reserved for gurus and sannyasis and other spiritually elevated personalities. And here I was, unfit to recieve any service, recieving the royal treatment. Truly embarrassing.

Coincidentally, my birthday fell at that time and as a present they gave me a framed photo of Srila Prabhupada chanting with the devotees. This black and white photo has travelled with me to New Vrindavan, Tucson, Philadelphia, Hillsborough and Gita Nagari. Worn and stuck to the glass, never changed out of that original frame, the photo endures as a testimony of a hometown aquaintance reborn as a spiritual friendship. Prabhupada's mercy, caught on film, encased in glass, passed from soul to soul, stays with me.

This special birthday gift, one of the few I have ever recieved as a devotee, from devotees, is not a token or a momento or a relic. These words seem to conjure plastic images of broken pieces of some sentimental value. Or historic snapshots of dated cobwebs, fragile and easily broken. Instead, this photo of Srila Prabhupada and the devotees dancing and chanting, given to me by Gopa and Kisori, is simply an attachment.

At different times of my life the prominence of both varies. Moved from my North Carolina kitchen to my Gita Nagari laundry room, the photograph appears to have been relegated to a lesser space in my house. However, this hierarchy of rooms is purely artificial since I spend almost as much time in the laundry room as I do in the kitchen. And my friendship with Gopa and Kisori has ebbed and waned over the years, mainly due to my geographical locale; they've remained in the same house while I've lived as close to them as 15 minutes and as far away as a five day drive.

But the basis of these attachments is spiritual. An attachment to the image and an attachment to the friendship.

Neither of which can ever be lost.

SB Lecture, 6.1.18, Denver July 1, 1975

2007-07-16T09:47:00.000-07:00

And another complaint I was hearing that we are not taking prasadam, especially the grhasthas. No. That is not good. You should take prasadam. Krsna baro doyamoy, koribare jihwa jay, swa-prasad-anna dilo bhai, sei annamrta pao, radha-krsna-guna gao, preme dako caitanya-nitai. Krsna baro doya... Our tongue is the greatest enemy. Ta'ra madhye jihwa ati, lobhamoy sudurmati. The tongue is the greatest enemy, and if you can control the tongue, then you can control all the senses. Otherwise tongue will dictate, "Give me this kind of food, give me this kind of food." And if you don't take prasadam in the temple, then our tongue will dictate, "Now you can prepare some nice food. Let us take it." That will not help us in our Krsna consciousness.

Devotee Appreciation

2007-07-14T20:02:00.000-07:00

Today I attended HH Dhanurdhara Swami's program at Gopa Kisora and Kisori Radha's home. Maharaja gave an intriguing class on karma and destiny, utilizing vedic astrological readings as a tool to convince the audience that our destiny is determined at birth. However, Maharaja adds,through renunciation and knowledge, we can make intelligent decisions which affect the outcome of the way this fate plays out.

It is an interesting approach to preaching. As Maharaja says, everyone likes to hear about themselves. Ahead of time he gets the birth date/place/time of a few people who plan to attend the lecture and then Dina Sarana Prabhu does a reading for them. In front of everyone, Mahaja reads a summation of personality traits as indicated by the chart as well as a specific life event (ex: in June of 2003 there was some disturbance in a relationship with a maternal figure). These readings are generally 90% accurate. Today's crowd was all devotees but often he does these programs for preaching engagements. The format is rather convincing.

Gopa and Kisori host many programs for Maharaja and are always welcoming the devotees into their home. No one ever leaves there hungry. The feasts, oppulent in every respect, give testimony not only to their cooking skills but their organizational skills as well. All of this with four children, three of them 9 months old.

In addition to raising three sons and a daughter, Kisori is a Master's of Education student and her husband, when not working full time as an engineer, is single handedly remodeling their home for the pleasure of his family and the pleasure of the devotees. Their living room will one day be transformed into a temple room capable of accomodating ananta koti Vaisnavas.

What I see as truly outstanding about Gopa and Kisori, which is not entirely separate from their generosity, is their kindness. They are just so nice. And normal. High school sweethearts who never left their hometown. They joined Krishna Consciousness, had four kids, all with some pretty hardcore devotee names. They did not make the now cliched, dramatic split from their parents and family in order to join the movement. Rather, they just kept their lives, deleting the maya and adding the Krishna.

Their experiences in Krishna Consciousness, by Maharaja's mercy, have all been positive. Many of us who joined from the mid to late 90's benefitted from the enthusiasm of the cultural moment but also got swept up in it, unable to find proper footing until that wave subsided.

When I look at their lives, it is obvious to me that our karma is so different. Our experiences as devotees are like night and day. Mine played out in the nescience of darkness and theirs illuminated by the knowledge and mercy of sadhu-sanga.

Yet Krishna is so kind that regardless of our astrological differences, we can all convene on the same path, under the shelter of the same Guru, in the same town where we all grew up. Different karma, similar fate.

Our good fortune: Srila Prabhupada.

Candana Yatra

2007-07-10T04:46:00.000-07:00

Loving Exchanges

2007-07-09T03:55:00.000-07:00

To my utter amazement, the samadhi was completed for the festival. Not that it is totally finished, there is still more to do. But what the devotees accomplished in three days is nothing short of miraculous. They managed to transform a pile of cinder blocks into a floor to ceiling marble monument. Three days before the festival it did not look good. Only one exterior section of the samadhi was tiled in marble. And then the morning of the festival, there was Sanatana Prabhu, completely exhausted, wiping down the newly grouted marble floor. Many of us could not believe it. Indeed, Krishna can expand time.

The theme of the Samadhi innaguration appeared to be "loving exchanges." For many of the speakers featured throughout the festival, this was the focus. Although I did not attend the festival in its start to finish entirety, I definitely felt enveloped by the mood of "loving exchanges."

Our ten room home was packed as devotees began arriving Tuesday for the July 4th program with HH Dhanurdhara Swami. Wednesday even more devotees parked in front of our house, unloading pillows and blankets and a minivan load full of diaper bags to tend to the triplets. As soon as Maharaja and the devotees arrived, our house was instantly transformed into a place of pilgrimage. Giriraja was placed on Gaura Nitai's altar. Gaura Nitai were relocated to Radharani's kitchen next to a picture of Radha Damodara. It is such a simple and somewhat unsuitable spot for them but, for my own sense gratification, I wish they could remain there. I see so much more of them when they are with me in the kitchen.

The loving exchanges were many fold. Maharaja gave his charitable association not just in the form of classes but also in the form of friendly encourgement, like a father offering kind words to his child whom he wants to see suceed in life. Devotees arrived with fun gifts for the kids, silver water cups for Gaura Nitai as well as juice, flour, oil, karela, chili, dhanya, yellow squash and watermelons for the kitchen. And, as per my request, sindhur for that leaded red powdery line on top of my head. And then, there was the prasadam.

Bhunkte bhojayate caiva. Krishna has given me a first class kitchen. To fulfill my desires, He also provided me with an opportunity to innaugurate it with a cooking marathon. I cooked, the bhoga was offered to Sri Sri Gaura Nitai and the sweet devotees enthusiastically ate. Serving the devotees, who so lovingly accepted whatever was offered to them, reminded me of the better times I had while living in the temple.

I never wanted to leave the temple, but due to my association with matter, life proceeded on an unforseen course. That I could be only 1.1 miles from the temple that shaped me the most, living in a house the size of an asrama, visited by sadhus and the Gaura bhaktas of the NY/NJ/PA area (NC, too) convinced me that Krishna hears my prayers. It gives me hope for my future, that I may one day enter into the full-time service of Srila Prabhupada by serving his surrendered devotees.

Daily I entertain fantasies of living in Vrindavan, being the fulltime servant of my beloved mata, Mother Kaulini. The fantasy is dimly lit; I am unable to see clearly what kind of service I could offer Mother Kaulini since she prefers to do everything herself. But the sentiment exists strongly in my heart.

This service is shelter. Any service, any time we endeavor to serve the devotees, we are taking shelter of the process presented by Srila Prahbupada and the acaryas like Rupa Goswami. We are taking shelter of the mercy of the devotees, who's open hearts allow us to succeed.

Maharaja spoke powerfully during his Wednesday nite phone sanga. Although the noise level upstairs (too many children, excited from a day of play and fire works, jumped from room to room, bed to bed, book to book and baby to baby to baby) rivaled that of Aindra Prahbu's kirtans, minus the transcendental element, Maharaja quickly found his focus. He made many inspiring points, such as the importance of chanting krisnot-kirtana, chanting kirtana loudly, with feeling and enthusiasm. This can, of course, be applied to other aspects of our service, a meditation which carried me through the week into the weekend, as cooking opportunites kept presenting themselves. He spoke about sadhu ninda and how Srila Jiva Goswami's definition of a Vaisnava is so broad, that we must carefully gaurd against this disasterous offence. And he spoke about shelter.

To get shelter, one has to take shelter. And to take shelter, one has to need shelter. So to experience shelter, humility is required. This point was not lost on me as Thursday evening, struggling to complete the cooking for the Candramauli Swami program, I had to humble myself in the kitchen and take shelter of the mercy of the devotees.

Normally I do not accept help in the kitchen. I often find working with others more difficult than just doing it myself(not much hope for me to go back to the spiritual world this lifetime, I know.) But the devotees were in our home, asking for service. They lovingly were looking for a way to assist me. Little did I know at the time that Krishna was sending this drowning body a lifejacket. I thought I was doing them a favor by allowing them an opportunity to engage in Krishna's seva. It wasn't until hours later, when there was no room on the stove for the wok for frying pakoras, the kichari was too wet and the bottom of the pot was burning and the corn was still sitting uncooked on the counter, that I realized how badly I needed the shelter of the devotees.

The feast consisted of some dal (with all the nutriative value of kichari), salad (made by His Grace Gopa Kisora Prabhu) and the main attraction, Kadamba's now famous zucchini bread. Everyone honored with great delight. Their response surely amazed me. Simply by needing the mercy, even though completely unaware, I was given the opportunity to take that mercy. And by embracing that opportunity, everyone was satiated.

What turned out to be a simple yet wonderful meal could have easily turned out to be simply a snack and a lot of compost.

I feel indebted to all the devotees who graced our home this past week or who somehow enabled us to serve them through prasadam distribution. The opportunity for service instantly strengthened the bond between my husband and I, since the adhesive force in our relationship is Krishna seva. Whatever small effort we put into trying to serve the devotees, we felt the reciprocation in exponential form.

Personally, I am especially grateful to HH Dhanurdhara Swami, who has given me full shelter, making no distinction between siksa and diksa disciple. This visit to our home encouraged a few of his disciples to venture out here as well, giving me the opportunity to serve them and serve with them. The relationship between Guru and disciple isn't always so exclusive. Just as I feel my relationship with HH Bhakti Tirtha Swami continues through my relationship with his disciples, I see my connection with Dhanurdhara Swami fortified by associtating with his devoted followers.

The time spent with all the devotees was priceless. The reciprocation endless. Krishna cannot be purchased, but the heart of His devotee can be bartered for with love.

Dadati pratigrhnati

2007-06-29T19:55:00.000-07:00

After I got the pictures of the kitchen up on my blog, I sent the link to the various retailers who helped outfit the kitchen. My dial-up is so slow that it was simply a matter of convenience; my computer does not fare well emailing a bunch of pictures, even if compressed.

All the retailers sent back positive emails, congratulating me on the completion of the project and saying that the kitchen looked great.

One response, however, was rather touching. Orion Horton-Henderson, the President of Horton Brasses, sent me the following email:

Dear Dana,

Thank you for sharing, it sounds like the end of a massive project. Ilove the kitchen and I can imagine it must be nice to be able to stay inside to do the laundry too.I read your blog a bit and really enjoyed your writings about yourfaith. I am very ignorant of the Hare Krishna religion and I was glad to learn just that little bit more. The depth and feeling of your beliefs is evident in your writing and I found it really beautiful.

Many thanks,

Orion
Horton Brasses

I am impressed by his exploration of my blog beyond just the photos of the kitchen. As I replied to him, a more timid soul would not have ventured beyond the Hare Krishna jargon. His email, a small detail (much like the beautiful knobs and pulls his company makes) added a new dimension to the way I think about this blog.

Two Today

2007-06-27T16:30:00.000-07:00

Here is a picture of our little Madhumati at 2 weeks old. The poem is from last year.

Commemorative

Almost a year has passed
since the birth of my daughter
two weeks early
but of no real consequence.
Born of average size for a papaya,
ripening with the warmth of my body
as she lay suckling across my chest,
sleeping and growing and sweetening
through those fourteen days
she was supposed to spend inside.

Almost a year has passed
since the disappearance of my guru
not unexpected but not timely.
I watched at home, his passing from this world
as I labored with my daughter.

I watched at home, still shots, of his still body
transparent, dry, tumored, disfigured, beautiful
breathing in the fragrant chanting of the devotees.
I watched at home, quiet images, of his quiet body
his room his body his pain silent.

Almost a year has passed
since the birth of my daughter
three hours after
my guru's disappearance.
Born of average size for a papaya,
she will mature and be sheltered
by the love guidance chastisement faith
nourished in the association of my guru.

Post-Nirjala Ekadasi

2007-06-27T07:03:00.000-07:00

Usually, I dread Ekadasi. I can easily eat in moderation, limiting myself to a single meal a day. But a day without chapatis is usually a heavy burden for me. I do it, but without enthusiasm.

This year, however, I was very enthusiastic for Nirjala. I was not planning a complete fast from frood and water. Rather, I would drink but not eat. I thought this realistic approach would lead me to a succesful day of performing some austerity for the Lord.

I am not a good faster. Half day, no problem. Three o'clock, okay. But the entire day? No way. I know this is more of an obstacle of the mind rather than the body, but so far in my devotional life, I have not been able to defeat the mind in this regard. At the same time, I know I have not really tried. I am too attached to the overall wellness of my body, with it's delicate digestive system, that I do not want to act passionately one day, thus disturbing my health for the next month.

Excuses, excuses.

More importantly, I wanted to focus on sravanam, kirtanam, visnoh smaranam. I rose early, the way Prabhupada wants us to start our day. Mangala-aroti was sparsely attended. Instead of feeling surprised or disappointed that more of the community did not show up on such an important day of the Vaisnava calender, I chose to meditate on how I should increase my own attendance at the morning program.

Truly, I would like the enthusiasm I felt in anticipation for this year's Nirjala to help me improve my devotional habits on a daily basis. What I wanted for Nirjala is what I want for everyday. Rise early, attend the program, chant early in the morning, do some seva, read. Minimize distractions such as internet use and talking on the phone. Of course, I couldn't minimize the needs of my children but I explained to them the importance of the day. Even though they are still rather small, at least Venumadhava can begin to practice some austerity and gain some transcendental knowledge.

When I returned home I wanted to continue my chanting but my husband had some things he wanted to speak to me about. At first I was internally resistant because it was Nirjala and I really wanted to use the pre-kids-awake time to the best of my spiritual advantage. But considering I am in grhasta asrama, and Krishna Consciousness is about relationships, I let my time surrender to the situation. We connected really well and I felt surprised at the pleasure I got out of the interaction. The past few weeks have been leaps and bounds for our relationship. I am gaining insight into the saying that Laksmi Devi does not reside in houses where there is quarrel. As things improve in our spiritual life, our marriage improves. And as our marriage improves, an overall auspicious quality is brought into our home.

After we spoke, I continued with my chanting. While the caliber of my chanting remains at a very low and distracted level, I appreciate how the early, pre-children hours of the morning are most suitable for the cultivation of bhakti.

The day continued with us busily trying to ready our house for Maharaja and all our guests. The day after the program with Maharaja, HH Candramauli Swami will be giving class at our home. Since Panihati I have been feeling tremendous enthusiasm. And with this enthusiasm I see the Lord reciprocating with me by increasing our service. Suddenly, there is a burst of opportunity in our life to serve the devotees. I can't see how we will possibly pull it off, but without a doubt the Lord will make arrangements. And if all else fails, we will take shelter of the merciful nature of the devotees.

By 3 o'clock I found myself ready to dissasemble my kids. Which, of course, is not allowed. So instead of losing my mind, I ate. It was one meal, simple but cooked. I felt a little lame eating a cooked meal. I should have just taken some anukalpa prasadam. To mitigate my indulgence, I took special effort not to eat for the rest of the day.

In the evening we walked out to the mulberry tree, picking fruit for the upcoming programs. I made sure I did not eat a single mulberry. I would have been better off if that was actually all I ate.

After the kids went to sleep, my husband read me the pastime of Haridasas Thakur passing from this world. A purport which stuck with me was for the verse Antya 11.24:

Unless one has come to the platform of spontaneous love of God, he must follow the regulative principles. Thakura Haridasa was the living example of how to follow the regulative principles. Similarly, Raghunatha dasa Gosvami was also such a living example. In the Sat-Gosvami-astaka it is stated, sankhya-purvaka-nama-gana-natibhih-kalavasani-krtau. The Gosvamis, especially Raghunatha dasa Gosvami, strictly followed all the regulative principles. The first regulative principle is that one must chant the Hare Krsna maha-mantra loudly enough so that he can hear himself, and one must vow to chant a fixed number of rounds. Not only was Raghunatha dasa Gosvami chanting a fixed number of rounds, but he had also taken a vow to bow down many times and offer obeisances to the Lord.

These instructions were very wonderful to hear on Nirjala Ekadasi. Vows have never been a strong point for me. The seriousness of the culture we have invited into our lives when we take nama-diksa is difficult to understand. The point is subtle, yet profound. The potency can only be understood once we begin to seriously follow.

In a class I have of Varsana Swami, Maharaja asks, "How do you get the mercy of Caitanya Mahaprabhu?" His answer is, "By following strictly the instructions of Caitanya Mahaprabhu."

This morning I stopped by the samadhi site to talk with the devotees. It is the Disappearance Day of HH Bhakti Tirtha Swami on the Roman calendar. Also, it is Madhumati's second birthday. Despite working all day long in the humid, constant heat, the devotees working on the samadhi followed Nirjala Ekadasi. They had every excuse to drink water, yet they didn't. They followed strictly and therefore were empowered by the mercy.

Loving Exchanges

2007-06-24T20:24:00.000-07:00

I am feeling the richness of the ordinary. Our time at the barn in the evenings with Mother Kaulini, who always is a source of inspiration and encouragement for my family, is like the appearance of the cooling moon at the end of a hazy summer day. Whatever fire burns my mind, her association quickly extinguishes.Her wisdom is simple yet deep. Instructive, not preachy.

Last nite she shared some some words from H.H. Satsvarupa Maharaja. Many years ago when Mother Kaulini was taking care of the Gita Nagari sankirtana ladies, she felt some frustration with the ladies, their minds and the service. When speaking to Satsvarupa Maharaja about it, he instructed her to "expand your heart and act like a mahatma." Anyone who knows Mother Kaulini can attest to the fact that she has followed that instruction without deviation.

Mother Kaulini makes no distinction. She is so open hearted and broad minded, readily accepting the service of anyone who makes some sincere effort.

After the Sunday feast class, which Mother Vrajalila gave on the six loving exchanges between devotees, Mother Kaulini spoke to me about Jayananda Prabhu. She said that he ate all kinds of things. He didn't do this for his own sensual gratification. Rather, he accepted whatever anyone offered him in the mood of, "this is a devotee offering me prasadam."

I pray that I can one day imbibe that mood of the great Jayananda Prabhu and see the love and devotion in all the devotees efforts. I pray that I can one day be at the level of consciousness that I do not have to make distinctions. That my faith in Krishna will be so strong that I do not feel I have to protect myself from material energy. Dear Krishna, please protect me from my own offenses as I struggle along this bhakti-marg, trying to walk in the dust of the great souls. Please empower me to expand my heart so that I may get the mercy of the mahatmas.

My husband, the Murse

2007-06-22T21:06:00.000-07:00

Yesterday my husband unexpectedly came home from Baltimore at 8 am. He called out of work for Thursday and Friday so we could spend some time together and his mind could take a break from the mundane atmosphere of the hospital.

We spent the day playing in the creek with the kids and then doing quality control at our mulberry tree. Madhumati is queen of the mulberries and can out eat us all! Although my husband is not far behind her.

My husband expressed to me that sometimes it is really hard going to work because his home life is so pleasant. I was somewhat surprised because I really didn't think he enjoyed being around us all that much. Not only is he a man of few words, but I know how much he valued his pre-married time in the asrama. I see him hankering for that at times and always pray that Krishna will make arrangements for him to experience periods of undistracted Krishna Consciousness.

His job is intense; people are critically ill. As an ICU nurse, he witnesses daily the unecessary, prolonged, expensive suffering of patients who won't let go. They hold on to a life unrecognizable as such simply because a Doctor encourages them. Don't give up hope. Be a fighter.

But no one can defeat material energy. Prabhupada says that the only thing certain at the time of birth is death. Yet few people, even when faced with the most horrific physical conditions (bowel contents spilling out of open wounds in the side of their stomach, heart transplant where the heart is too big and the Doctor cannot close up the chest...the stories seem to get grosser day by day) concede defeat. They are the most foolish because they are already defeated.

I see my husband has so much compassion for these souls. When he worked in NC, it seems that he was able to do more direct preaching. From time to time, he would even have a patient who knew the devotees. Although he is now working in the northeast, his patients and co-workers are generally less sophisticated and not at all knowledgable or even interested in Krishna Consciousness. Nevertheless, my husband does his preaching.

Sometimes I joke with my husband that he should wear black scrubs or that he is the angel of death. I joke that if I was in the hospital I wouldn't want him as my nurse. But actually I would. I would because my husband really tries to imbibe the philosophy of Krishna Consciousness by applying it to his nursing philosophy.

He cannot tolerate the lack of information given to the patients nor can he tolerate the promulgation of false hope in the divinity of medicine. Families prolong the suffering of loved ones to have more time together but really they just lose time as they make arrangements for their loved ones to continue to live off of machines while their suffering increases and their level of consciousness diminishes.

He is the giver of bad news. He tells the woman who accidently became parapalegic after some unrelated surgery that she is now parapalegic. He does this despite the fact that the doctor, the same doctor who told my husband that she's the "new para", tells the patient, "just keep trying to move your legs, we don't know what happened, but just keep trying to move your legs."

He gives the bad news not to crush their hope, but rather to give them a perspective on their new reality. To encourage them to contemplate their life and to contemplate their death. Some people have surprisingly profound experiences at the end of life if they are encouraged in that way.

But sadly, most don't. Especially when their families are around.

The Kitchen

2007-06-19T17:25:00.001-07:00

BEFORE PHOTOS:

THAT'S OUR REALTOR, JAY WHISTLER. HE IS CONTEMPLATING PUTTING ON HIS BUSINESS CARD, "BUILDING THE HARE KRISHNA COMMUNITY, ONE FAMILY AT A TIME."

THE BACK STAIRCASE WAS CUTE AND ORIGINAL, BUT BUILT AT A TIME WHEN "WHERE TO PUT THE FRIDGE" WASN'T A PRESSING QUESTION.

THE FAUX COBBLESTONE FLOOR HID DIRT WELL...UNTIL YOU LOOKED AT THE BOTTOM OF YOUR FEET!

The last bead of silicone has been applied and the kitchen is finally done. Well, except for the...oh never mind! Here are the pictures and a list of sources.

pine cabinets: Ram Wood Cabinetry

cabinet hardware: Horton Brasses

cobra soapstone countertops and custom 40" sink: M. Texeira Soapstone

character oak floor, 3,4,5" widths & Streetshoe water emolsion finish: Heister House Millworks

land of liberty paint (green): Benjamin Moore

alabaster paint: Sherwin Williams

Boston Harbor jelly jar lights: Hechinger's

ceiling fan and undercabinet lighting: Lowe's

24" fireclay Porcher farm sink: Ira Wood and Son's

Jotul Allagash gas stove: Creekside Hearth

real brick veneer tile: Inglenook Tile

3 x 6 carerra marble tile: Banta Tile and Marble

laundry room/breezeway and porch floor tile: Lowe's

wall mounted satin nickel faucets: Plumbingsource-store (ebay store)

The room was gutted. Five layers of flooring ripped out. Newspaper from 1929 was found in between pine floorboards as insulation. Wood cookstove removed and Deity sink put in it's place. Back staircase ripped out to make room for fridge. Dish sink put where fridge used to be. Jotul stove placed in alcove made when doorway to cellar boarded up (maybe that was done during the 1929 remodel).
View from the prasadam hall...
Shot of dish sink.
Where the back staircase was.
Where the cookstove was.

Cabinet above big sink for showing off jam.
Long counter stretch was where sink originally was. Also, we discovered the original chimney in on the green wall, near the corner.

Back door now goes to the newly built breezeway, instead of the back porch.
Was a boarded up doorway, now a hearth.
So we couldn't afford stacked cabinets. We could afford a nod to stocked cabinets.
Integrated drainboards are good.
Now I don't have to go outside to do the laundry!!
back porch

More Panihati Pictures

2007-06-18T10:39:00.000-07:00

Panihati 2007

2007-06-17T17:19:00.000-07:00

This year's Panihati festival was wonderful. Friday I didn't even know if I was going to be able to make it. But thanks to a very sweet husband who stayed back to milk the cows and watch the kids, my attendence was not just physical. Mentally and spiritually, I was there.

I am always waiting for something big to happen, something that will change my life. Not big like the big of childbirth or the big of terrorism. The big I lay awake praying for is actually kind of small. I wait for that small something that will come and nudge my heart one tiny increment closer to Krishna.

Yesterday's festival was big. Two tents. Six Maharajas. A shuttle for parking. Prasadam served all day long. A samskara double header (including triplets!!).

And despite the grandiosity of it all, there was a real intimacy amongst the devotees that allowed for this kind of important, small feeling amidst the bigness.

I had real exchanges with devotees, exchanges which were meaningful and not just of substance but actually substaining.

One exchange happened rather quickly. Giri Govardhana Mataji stopped me inside the house just to say that she really appreciated my friendliness when she visited Gita Nagari for the Romapada Swami retreat. The exchange ended abruptly since Maharaja came over to talk to me but I was really affected by her words.

Although she and I may externally look like peers because of our age and the fact that we are toting around little tiny kids, she is, in fact, so senior to me. I was floored that she would be thanking me for my friendliness when, in reality, I am so grateful to get a bit of her association.

Another devotee I got to connect with was Dhanya. We had the longest conversation that we've had since I lived in Towaco, where, as I recall, we didn't do much connecting. Although she is younger in age than I am, it has been clear from the beginning that she is senior to me. She spoke with me about her Odissi dancing and I was really appreciating how it nourishes her bhakti. It would be great to get more of her association in the near future.

I have unlimited gratitude towards my husband, who allowed me to go solo for the day (a first in the course of my matahood). I was worried I would not be able to stay focused on the classes since children have reprogrammed my attention span to single digit minutes. Howevever, the katha was so engaging that the only worry I had was that it would end. When would I get this opportunity again?

At the risk of sounding like a Raghunatha das Goswami wannabe, the experience of sitting in class and hearing attentively purged all desire for more children from my heart. Even after a day holding cutesie wootsie triplet babies and stroking cheeks of chubby wubby new babies in slings, this opportunity to hear subdued my baby fever. I very clearly felt that there is another life available to me besides wiping butts and making bottles. Of course, this sentiment will need continued nurturing. Hopefully more solo days are in my future.

Varsana Swami's captivating recitation of Gaura Lila is almost unbelievable. The detail and emotion makes one wonder how he could possibly know all this. I am surely convinced that he does not belong to this world.

This morning Mother Vrajalila gave Bhagavatam class. The verse she spoke on was 5.1.26:

TRANSLATION
Three among these ten—namely Kavi, Mahavira and Savana—lived in complete celibacy. Thus trained in brahmacari life from the beginning of childhood, they were very conversant with the highest perfection, known as the paramahamsa-asrama.

In the purport, Srila Prabhupada says:
The word urdhva-retasah in this verse is very significant. Urdhva-retasah refers to one who can control sex life and who instead of wasting semen by discharging it, can use this most important substance accumulated in the body to enrich the brain. One who can completely control sex life is able to work wonderfully with his brain, especially in remembering. Thus students who simply hear Vedic instructions once from their teacher could remember them verbatim without needing to read books, which therefore did not exist in former times.

I had been just thinking about how Varsana Swami, who is a wealth of Gaura Lila, must be very strict in his sannyasa. This made me feel impressed and inspired.

Dhanurdhara Swami's lecture was also encouraging. He has the special ability to push you forward in Krishna Consciousness without being too pushy. Even though he is a sannyasi, he seems to understand the intricacies and entanglement of grhasta life. There is not expectation of false renunciation. Rather, I see him as always encouraging the devotees to do what they can. His mercy towards the devotees manifests as his eagerness and availability to speak Krishna katha. Without hesitation, he arranges his life to alleviate the complications of ours.

I particularly appreciate his parallel reading of the Panihati pastime to exemplify not just service to the devotees, but also overcoming obstacles. I am assuming this is why Lord Nityananda was holding a plow. Something I can ask Jaya Bala about next time I see him.

Gratitude to the Little Vaisnavas

2007-06-15T14:57:00.000-07:00

We purchased the Little Vaisnavas Vol. 2 CD. The kids totally love it. Today while listening to the cd with the kids I read the quote on the inside of the cover:

SB 10.9 1-2
Sri Sukadeva Gosvami continued: One day when mother Yasoda saw that all the maidservants were engaged in other household affairs, she personally began to churn the yogurt. While churning, she remembered the childish activities of Krsna, and in her own way she composed songs and enjoyed singing to herself about all those activities.

PURPORT
While churning the butter, mother Yasoda was singing about the childhood activities of Krsna. It was formerly a custom that if one wanted to remember something constantly, he would transform it into poetry or have this done by a professional poet. It appears that mother Yasoda did not want to forget Krsna's activities at any time. Therefore she poeticized all of Krsna's childhood activities, such as the killing of Putana, Aghasura, Shakatasura and Trnavarta, and while churning the butter, she sang about these activities in poetical form. This should be the practice of persons eager to remain Krsna conscious twenty-four hours a day. This incident shows how Krsna conscious mother Yasoda was. To stay in Krsna consciousness, we should follow such persons.

I am so grateful to Mother Mrgaksi and all her grown up devotee kids, as well as Mother Yamini, for their wonderfully magical recordings which did not earn them a penny but was simply an offering to Srila Prabhupada's mission.

How empty my children's childhood would be without this devotional music.

My husband and I also feel our own lives have become enriched by these songs. Mother Yamini's Krsna Book cd's are our personal favorites. We wished we had been introduced to them when we were new to Krishna Consciousness.

"Worse than Karmis"

2007-06-14T13:27:00.000-07:00

Tuesday we took my mother to my sister's house. Oddly enough, my sister lives a block away from the Baltimore temple. After dropping my mom off, we headed over to the temple for some Hare Krishna fun.

My husband and kids picked cherries and mulberries for the Deities while I attended the noon aroti. The attendence, of course, was small. Me, another mataji, a visiting brahmacari and the pujari. But the brahmacari, Tirthapada, who I remember from Vrindavan, led a very sweet kirtan. Tirthapada was very melodious and focused while chanting. His voice was a natural fit with the Lord's Holy Name.

I knew he looked familiar to me and suspected that he was from Vrindavan. My hunch was confirmed when, at the close of the kirtan, he chanted "Jaya Radha Syamasundara." This chanting was like a small majic gem you could hold close to your heart without anyone else noticing. It was quiet and simple. Not at all boisterous and showy. It was a Vraja Kirtan.

After delicious Jagannatha prasadam prepared by Tirthapada and Adbhut Krishna Prabhus, we got ready to go to the Baltimore Aquarium. Since we were going to buy a family pass, we invited the brahmacaris along with us.

My husband and I both have special affection for devotees like Adbhut and Tirthapada, who so naturally imbibe the culture and mood and heart of a devotee. We thought it would be a fun way for us all to spend the day together. Venumadhava was tremendously excited to have the boys come with us. Tirthapada was especially playful with Venumadhava.

I never spent such a Krishna Conscious day at the aquarium before. The boys came in their saffron dhotis, not thinking once that they should change into pants. They kept their hands in their japa bags the entire time. Immediately I was reminded of Vrindavan, where japa is like breathing. Walking to the temple? Chant. Rikshaw to Loi Bazaar? Chant. Leaving your room? Chant.

With two kids in tow, I often find it difficult to always have my hand on my beads. I do try to bring my japa everywhere I go, "just in case." As in, just in case I get stranded somewhere, just in case I have time to chant, just in case I run into Prabhupada and he asks me where are my beads.

We thought the devotees would be a little more interested in the aquarium, but Adbhut had been there before and Tirthapada grew up in a village with lots of aquatic life around (stingrays, crabs, maybe even sharks?). I realized how lame the American suburban experience is. There actually isn't much experience. You have to experience it at an aquarium or some other artificial environment that you pay too much for.

After the aquarium, while walking over to the paddle boats, somehow we got on the topic of raising kids. Adbhut commented that it is very difficult to raise children, especially in America, and that children born to devotees grow up to be "worse than karmis." Of course, he admitted exceptions such as Vrindarani and Gauravani. Sadly, I had to agree with him.

gurur na sa syat sva-jano na sa syat
pita na sa syaj janani na sa syat
daivam na tat syat na patis ca sa syan
na mocayed yah samupeta-mrtyum (SB 5.5.18)

“One who cannot deliver his dependent from the path of birth and death should never become a spiritual master, a relative, a father or mother, or a worshipable demigod, nor should such a person become a husband.”

How strong is my desire to save my children from repeated birth and death? How strong is my faith in sastra that I give my children, at whatever cost to my own enjoyment, the opportunity to understand their position as dasa dasa anu dasa? What am I doing making jam when I should be reading Prabhupada's books? How much time will I waste this lifetime doing nothing useful but everything ordinary?

They can produce hundreds of children, it doesn't matter, but must be responsible that "The children should be saved. This is the last birth, no more birth. I'll train the child in such a way that next life he's going to Krsna, back to home, back to Godhead." That is parent's duty. Otherwise they should not become parent. That is contraceptive: "I am not fit to train my children in that way, so I shall not produce cats and dogs." This is life. Why shall I produce cats and dogs? And Bhaktivinoda Thäkura was grhastha, he produced Bhaktisiddhanta Sarasvati. That is one... So in this way, if there is ideal institution, ideal mode of living, it is happy; everything is all right. That is grhastha. Produce Bhaktisiddhanta Sarasvati. My Guru Maharaja used to say that "If I can produce Krsna-bhakta as children, then I'm prepared to marry and produce hundreds of children." And if we cannot, then we shall not produce even one children. (Jan. 3 1977, SP Room Conversation, Bombay)

So every parent desires welfare of his children, of their children. So this is the greatest welfare, that "This child has come in my womb, he has become my son. This is the last time. No more birth and death. He will be educated in that way." That is father's responsibility. Not that eat him, get him meat-eating, and get him fat. However fat he may be, he'll die. (laughter) You cannot stop his death simply by making him fat like elephant. Therefore it is said, dharmaviruddha. Don't beget children if you have no responsibility. (SP, BG 7-11-12, Bombay Feb. 25, 1974)

Yesterday I asked Venumadhava if he likes being a devotee. First he said "no" then he quickly said, "Yeah, yeah, I do. I do like being a devotee. I just don't want to be a pure devotee."

Children learn by example.

NY Ratha Yatra: The Good and the Bad

2007-06-10T04:30:00.000-07:00

(photo from Baltimore Ratha Yatra)

I could not have been more excited for this year's Ratha Yatra. As we drove into NY City from Connecticut, we chanted the morning prayers. When my husband and I stopped, Venumadhava shouted from the back seat, "more kirtan". After Yasomati Nandana and Radhe Jaya Jaya we were downtown, looking for a place to park.

Venumadhava was enthusiastic for the subway but the cauldronous effect of the underground train caused Madhumati to shrink into my arms. She wanted out. We got off the train at Rockefeller Center and walked the rest of the way.

Once we got upstairs, amongst the manicured and shiny haired uptown crowd, I was jolted back to the un-reality that New Yorkers...care. They care about their toes and their butts and their clothes and they care about their friend's toes and their friend's butts and their friend's clothes. Just as Krishna doesn't like ugly Gopi's, uptown New Yorker's surround themselves with the freakishly beautiful, at least from the materialists' point of view.

The site reminded me of a time, about 9 years ago, on harinam in State College. We were just a bunch of messy farm devotees surrounded by gym going college students. As we danced passing restaraunts, chanting the Holy Name, some of the young men in our kirtan party were obviously mesmerized by the pretty girls on the other side of the glass windows. And then, at least to me, their magazine-ready beauty morphed into some sort of horror movie as they raised pieces of dead bodies to their glossy, smiling lips, ripping off a bite of flesh with their chalky white teeth.

Ooh, the horror of illusion exposed.

And that is just what NY is, a place of illusion. Tripurari Swami tells a story of him with Srila Prabhupada just after taking sannyas. Prabhupada says something like, "Have you noticed the ladies in New York? They are so interesting. All these buildings are being built to impress them." Maharaja makes the point that this is Krishna's maya sakti.

Thankfully, when we came to the Ratha Yatra site at Central Park South, it was as if we left New York and entered into the Jagannatha Puri Embassy. If only for a half a second.

Actually, the start of the procession was an experience for me. I had Madhumati on my back and Venumadhava in the stroller. We chanted waiting for the cart to near. Then the ropes to Jagannatha's cart were released. Hand over hand, hand over head, the yellow ropes made their way down the avenue. I grabbed onto one and instantly there was some feeling inside me. It was the feeling of doing something meaningful with my life as I worked with the group of devotees to move Jagannatha's cart.

Despite the brevity of the moment, it was defintely the highlight of my day.

This year's Ratha Yatra was tremendously attended. It was great to see Lord Caitanya's mission doing so well. However, for the rest of the day, I seemed to exist in a mist of Krishna's maya sakti.

I did more talking than chanting. I did more looking around than taking darsana of Jagannatha.

I could not control my senses as they came in contact with the surrounding sense objects.

There was just so much to look at.

I tried to focus my mind by appreciating the devotees and their chanting (Jaya Lokanatha Maharaja!). Even the devotees not chanting. My meditation for the day was to appreciate that devotees from all different backgrounds, executing all different levels of practice, could come together for a significant public event.

It was difficult for me to get into the consciousness that we were bringing Krishna back to Vrindavan. Especially when teenage devotee girls were doing shoulder rolls in front of the kirtan party (a la The Cars' hit "Shake it Up").

Another memorable part of the Ratha Yatra was seeing H.H. Veda-vyasa Priya Swami chanting on (Subhadra's?) cart. He had the right idea.

Srila Prabhupada Chanting Japa

2007-06-06T17:10:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was in the temple kitchen. Mother Jagannatha was watching a Prabhupada video on M. Kaulini's iPod. The video stopped me dead in my tracks.

The footage was simple. Srila Prabhupada pacing in and out of his blue room in Los Angeles, chanting japa. He was focused, grave and audible.

No one would dare interrupt this chanting. And if someone did, Prabhupada's response would not be, "No, no, it's okay, I was just chanting japa."

Once, while in Vrindavan, I sat in a class given by Kadamba Kanana Goswami. The point Maharaja was driving home, which amazingly, is one of the few things I remember from the past ten years of trying to be a devotee, was that devotees need to focus on better japa. So many of us pray, "Oh Krishna, please remove this obstacle from my life, please take away this or that bad quality."

Maharaja was saying how if we simply take to the process of seriously trying to chant our japa without committing offenses to the Holy Name, all these other things will take care of themselves.

Watching the footage of Prabhupada chanting was like passing by a fatal accident, catching a glimpse of the gore in the rear view mirror. Prabhupada is the mirror. What I saw was my own suffering at the hands of my self-inflicted violence: offensive, inattentive japa.

Atyahara

2007-06-05T18:52:00.000-07:00

Generally speaking,the kids and I have been having some pretty good days. Sunday we missed the feast because things were just going so well at home, I didn't want to break up the peaceful monotony of the day.

Our phone line was dead for three days. The inconspicuous abscence of computer and prajalpa added to the calm of the environment.

We did some fun kid stuff in the morning, swinging, riding bikes, eating cookies, picking strawberries, etc. Then, amazingly, the children occupied themselves for the rest of the day by playing in the sink and doing yoga (I am talking 5 hours straight!) while I made batch after batch of strawberry jam.

In the end, I could not beleive how much jam was produced. As I lifted each jar out the canner and then set it to cool, my heart raced. When it was all over, I counted my jars. After I put the kids to sleep, I went downstairs and recounted my jars. You see, I have a problem. It is called "atyahara" in sanskrit. In English, it is simply called "overcollecting."

When I took up the hobby of canning, I didn't quite understand how it could be detrimental to my spiritual life. Foolishly, I thought that Bhumi is producing fruit in abundance, on the property in my care. I should not waste this bounty. Rather, I should preserve it in sealed glass jars.

It began in the fall, shortly after we moved. I canned quince jam and pear sauce as well as some quince chatni. At the time, I didn't think that I had so much canned, but as pear and quince season comes closer, I am looking at my quince jam (approximately 4 pints) and I am wondering when I am going to use it?

When I began canning, I knew I was into something that suited me. I spoke with M. Purana about it and she and I concluded that as a mom, it is appealing to do something during the day which has a lasting result.

You do laundry, it gets dirty, you have to do it again. Sometimes all in the same day. How many times do you wipe the same table during the day? How many diapers are changed and butts wiped? It is never ending, the gripe of misguided feminists and content homemakers alike.

But as I completed canning too much strawberry jam, I realized that the satisfaction I felt canning came from the "too much" part. In fact, I realized I didn't really agree,despite the fact that I practically filled an entire cupboard with jam, that it was too much. If I didn't run out of jars, I probably would have gone out into the field to pick more strawberries and make more jam.

Overcollecting is an affliction which I am well aware of as an obstacle in my spiritual life. My husband laughs at me because I cannot go into a supermarket without buying cans of tomato, crushed or paste. It makes me feel secure to have lots of canned tomato on hand.

Jam was another item I stocked up on every time I went to the store. So in additon to all my strawberry and quince jam, I have store bought apricot jam (I think 6 jars) sitting in my cupboard. I never know quite when I am going to need to make Harriet's Thumbprint cookies, an indespensible cookie staple which is pleasing to all.

And of course, saris. Justification: "Who knows when I'll get to go to India again."

And my greatest justification of all: "But I am not really endeavoring, it just comes to me."

Despite the fact that my endeavor is limited, I cannot argue that I end up with more than needed of certain things. I must resist against the mentality of saving ( I won't even begin to lament the curse of having a big old house with plenty of room--garage, attic, laundry room--in which to do the saving). Saving good saris or saris that I like for 8 years before wearing them. Saving jars of jam for special guests that never come. Saving flowers in my gardens just to save them.

This last one I have been making some progress with. We have been trying regularly to pick the sweet scented roses growing abundantly on our property, along with the last of the peonies, to bring to the temple. And it has not even been very difficult to remain aloof from whether or not they get used.

Actually, the strawberries, if not the jam, has helped me give up some of my hoarding mentality in reagards to the flowers. The strawberries at the farm are rotting in the field, unpicked and overipe. We do not have money to keep paying for strawberries just because I am sad they are going to waste.

The strawberries turning to compost in the field remind me of the story of Dhenukasura. I do not want to be like a Dhenukasura, hoarding my flowers which I cannot really even enjoy, as the fragrant breeze is carried to the Deities only a mile away.

Picking the flowers helps me realize the tremendous wealth of Krishna. After picking the flowers, we cannot even tell that any are missing from the bushes. No matter how many we pick, the amount in our tiny bucket is miniscule compared with how many remain unpicked, coloring our humble yard.

And what we don't pick just falls to the ground, petals strewn by wind and rain. New buds relaxing on the branches, nourished by the sun one more day until achieving full bloom.

I tell myself, "No need to worry, Devadeva, Krishna is providing enough for everyone. Isavasyam idam sarvam."

In material existence we have two diseases: hankering for things which we do not possess and lamenting for things which are lost. But actually we do not possess anything. Everything belongs to God. That is the Vedic injunction: Isavasya idam sarvam. Whatever we see is the property of the Supreme Lord, and this claiming that "This is my property and this is my body, this is my country, this is my home, this is mine, this is mine—" is called illusion. Actually we do not possess anything. So when you actually come to spiritual consciousness, you understand that nothing belongs to you. Brahmabhutah prasannatma na socati na kanksati. Kanksati means hankering and na socati means lamenting. HDG Srila Prabhupada

Wish Fulfilling Deities

2007-05-30T18:02:00.000-07:00

During Romapada Swami's initiation talk, he said that Radha Damodara are wish fulfilling Deities. He said if we didn't believe him, we could see for ourselves by making a prayer to Radha Damodara.

This reminded me of Prabhupada's instructions to sell Gaura Nitai Deities on the street as "wish dolls." Radha Damodara are definitely in the mood of Gaura Nitai, famously traveling in a bus to spread Lord Caitanya's sankirtan mission.

My experience has always been that Gaura Nitai give me whatever I asked for. Why not start asking Radha Damodara to fulfill my desires? With Maharaja's prompting, I offered my prayer.

Dear Sri Sri Radha Damodara, please send devotees to Gita Nagari. There are so many wonderful devotees sitting in Your temple room. They all have so much affection for You. Please affect the heart of at least one sincere soul in a way that they will move here and add to the success of Gita Nagari.

There it was, put out into the ether. Who knew what prayers were offered by the other devotees sitting in the temple room at that moment. It wasn't the first time I prayed like this (I offered a similar prayer when Radha Damodara went to NV--Please, bring back devotees!!!) In reality, I was not expecting a response.

I am accustomed to the struggle of Gita Nagari, one of ISKCON's many underdogs. There are not many devotees here, nor have there been for years. However, just when I think it cannot get any quieter, someone else leaves (Advaita!). To actually have devotees mover here, families, en masse, would be a revolution.

But if we cannot have a revolution at Gita Nagari, maybe we could at least have a rejuvination.

Wednesday morning I went to Greeting and noticed that one family from Alachua was still here. I took notice of the family throughout the retreat because they have 4 children, ages 7 thru 12, three of them boys. All the boys were nicely shaved up, one played mrdanga. The children were bright and active. By the grace of Subal Prabhu, all were engaged in service, albeit for points, throughout the weekend.

Since this family was still here, I thought it would be nice to invite them over for prasadam. However, since my husband was away and I had some planned obligations for the day, I decided to invite just the children, including Vraja Krishna, for a pancake breakfast.

After the program, I spoke with their mother, Sri Vrindavan Mataji. I politely asked why they were still here and she responded that they love Gita Nagari so much, they are seriously thinking of moving here. Immediately tears welled up in my eyes and I told Mataji that her family moving to Gita Nagari would be a great boon for the community.

Then I invited the children to breakfast. Venumadhava, Madhumati and I headed home to start making pancakes. An hour later the crew showed up. I had seen Jagannatha with Vraja Krishna at the barn when we were on our way home and I asked him if he ate a lot, which his reply was an enthusiastic "yes," especially when it came to pancakes.

Well, we made a lot of pancakes and I recieved a lesson in relativity. As in, everything is relative in the material world. What I considered to be a lot of pancakes is not the same as what these kids considered to be a lot of pancakes. Our cat will be eating, ahem, honoring prasadam pancakes for at least a week.

Venumadhava had a wonderful time playing with the boys. Damodara, the oldest, is quite mature and after a while was tired of playing and helped me bake cookies. He watched over his siblings while they were here and even chastised his brother lightly when he asked for a fourth helping of strawberries.

The strawberries at the temple garden are abundantly ripening. The boys, including Vraja, picked about 15 gallons. We bought 5 gallons from the temple and I spent last nite canning jam.

Everything is here at Gita Nagari. The fields are producing sun ripened fruit, the cows' udders are dripping milk. Wildflowers, fragrant like honey, line the side of the road. The call of peacocks creates an audible fence around the Dhama. All by the mercy of our Wish Fulfilling Deities.

Jaya Sri Sri Radha Damodara

Retreat Photos

2007-05-29T18:50:00.000-07:00

Here are some photos from the retreat, courtesy of Bhaktin Alysia.

Another festival, another run in with the wall. Yes, that is a bandage Venumadhava is wearing in the photo at the barn, not a turban (nor is it a totally 80's headband). Thankfully M. Prematarangini, the absolutely sweetest Vaisnava pediatrician was on call. If only we had a picture of her...next year.

Romapada Swami Retreat

2007-05-28T19:05:00.000-07:00

The Romapada Swami retreat ended today. It was a great weekend, even though I did not get to attend any of the lectures. Happily, I was able to attend this morning's class which was actually an initiation.

Maharaja gave a thoughtful talk which was, surprisingly, not about the importance of initiation. Rather, keeping with the theme of the retreat, he spoke about different layers of Vaisnava compassion. Maharaja was saying that when the devotees are at work, even though they cannot wear dhoti (but he did say they can wear tilak!), they should exhibit the 26 qualities of a Vaisnava. Whether or not people know one to be a devotee is irrelevant, Maharaja said. Eventually they will find out. Therefore, it is rather important that a devotee, through Krishna's mercy, aquire these ornaments. In this way, people will be impressed by the quality of the devotees and associate these qualities with Krishna. By introducing others to Krishna, we express the greatest compassion.

Maharaja also said that ISKCON, as an organization, is great at exposing people to Krishna Consciousness. However, the organization has not been very effective at nurturing and guiding devotees in their Krishna Consciousness.

I was impressed by this point,along with his hope/expectation that his devotees wear tilak to work. In this cultural time of watered down Krishna Consciousness, Maharaja sets the bar pretty high for his disciples. Mother Saibya told me that sometimes Maharaja adds to the 4 regs, "and you'll eat only Krishna prasadam." He didn't say this today.

Of course, implementing high standards does not automatically accelerate the bhakti in the heart. However, these disciplines are pleasing to Krishna and Krishna always reciprocates with His devotees.

I have been feeling this reciprocation lately. Initially I began trying to help out in the pujari department because I needed more engagement. But now I see my mind is becoming more focused on Radha Damodara and, in return for this sentiment that is just beginning to manifest, They are providing me with even more engagement. Thank you, Radha Damodara.

Actually, Maharaja talked about how special Radha Damodara are. He mentioned that many of the devotees visiting the retreat had pictures of Radha Damodara on their altars at home. Maharaja spoke about Radha Damodara's extremely merciful and reciprocating nature.

One of the devotees staying with us was one of the initiates this morning. Terry Lee is now Nandarani Dasi. I am very happy her family stayed with us (as is Venumadhava who had a great time playing with Dhananjaya...and Manu). Mother Nandarani told me after the yajna that when she came to Gita Nagari for the first time she really decided then that she wanted to be a devotee. I found that statement interesting because right before she received her name, I thought "She is never going to forget Radha Damodara."

Although I didn't get the opportunity to attend the lectures, I feel my Krishna Consciousness benefitted greatly from this weekend. Getting to know M. Saibya and M. Nandarani's families a little better is a great help along this path. Relationships with the devotees, no matter how long distance, are essential to this process.
We are all trying to get to the same place. Hopefully we can inspire one another along the way.

26 Qualities of a Devotee

Devotees are always merciful, humble, truthful, equal to all, faultless, magnanimous, mild and clean. They are without material possessions, and they perform welfare work for everyone. They are peaceful, surrendered to Krsna and desireless. They are indifferent to material acquisitions and are fixed in devotional service. They completely control the six bad qualities — lust, anger, greed and so forth. They eat only as much as required, and they are not inebriated. They are respectful, grave, compassionate and without false prestige. They are friendly, poetic, expert and silent. (Sri Caitanya-caritamrta, Madhya-lila, 22.78–80)

Heaven

2007-05-23T17:51:00.001-07:00

Another day of strawberries and cows. Some realizations about children and patience.

I am so happy that we moved to this deserted cloud I call Heaven. Sure, NC had more devotees and more flowers and more feasts, etc. But Gita Nagari has more for us to do and, in this way, Krishna Consciousness is more alive here for us.

Thank you, Srila Prabhupada.

Srila Prabhupada on Gurukula

2007-05-23T12:23:00.000-07:00

72-02-16 Letter: Satsvarupa
Please accept my blessings. I beg to acknowledge receipt of your letter of January 20, 1972, along with pictures, floor-plan, and tape, and I am very very pleased that you have been able to secure that place for our Gurukula school and temple. I am enclosing one letter to Chaya dasi in this respect, to clear up a few points, namely, that we should concentrate on training these children up in Krishna Consciousness, not so much by formal, academic education--a little reading, writing, mathematics, that's all--but more by giving them facility to follow the examples of the older devotees in the regular KC program, namely, rising early, arati, chanting, reading, street Sankirtana, preaching, distributing literature--like that. These children can be trained in that way, by participating in all of these activities throughout the day, and always the focus of attention will be on Krishna. So you kindly see that these programs are carried on nicely, that is, in the matter of our routine KC program, and let the children learn in that way. Not much time should be wasted giving so much academic knowledge, a little reading and writing, that's all. Let them be able to read our books very nicely, and that will be their higher education. Keep them always happy in Krishna Consciousness, and do not try to force or punish or they will get the wrong idea. By and by, if they are satisfied in this way, they will all grow up to be first-class preachers and devotees.

72-01-10 Letter: Aniruddha
The children should be trained in early rising, attending mangal arati, some elementary education: arithmetic, alphabet, some of our books, like that. They should go to bed by 8 p.m. and rise by 4 a.m. for mangal arati, getting 8 hours sleep. If they take 8 hours sleep, they will not fall asleep during arati. When they get up they should wash with a little warm water, at least three times wash face. They may sleep one hour in the afternoon and there is no harm. Encourage them to chant as much japa as possible, but there is no question of force or punishment. If there is need you may shake your finger at them but never physical punishment is allowed. Try as far as possible to discipline them with love and affection, so that they develop a taste for austerity of life and think it great fun to serve Krishna in many ways. Rising early and mangal arati, this is enough austerity. Besides that, let them learn something, chant, dance, eat as much prasadam as they like, and do not mind if they have playful nature--let them also play and run, that is natural. It is nice if they eat often--if children overeat it doesn't matter, that is no mistake. Boys and girls should be educated separately

75-03-14 Letter: Tirthanga
Regarding sending children to Gurukula, that is also optional, not compulsory. The most important things are that you follow very carefully all of the rules and regulations such as rising early, and having mangala arati and classes, etc. and that you chant at least 16 rounds daily without fail. These things are most essential for your spiritual advancement and then everything will be alright.

74-12-28 Letter: Jagadisa
Regarding Gurukula I am very happy to hear that the financial crisis has passed. That is very good. This is real management. As far as the children are concerned, people are accusing us sometimes that our children are undernourished, underfed and not cared for properly. So it is good that you are seeing that they are happy and healthy. They should be given milk at least 8 ounces a day if possible 16 ounces a day. Dahl, capati, rice, vegetable this will keep them fit. If possible a little bit of fruit also. As for fixing up the Deity house in Dallas with marble altars, this is not necessary for now. We shall see later on. For the time being organize the health, education and care of the children and continue the Deity worship as it is going nicely now. Deities are satisfied with bhakti not marble. Therefore try to increase the bhakti.

770429rc.bom Conversations
Prabhupada: So far gurukula is concerned, that also, I have given program. They have given the name of "girls." We are not going to do that.
Prabhupada: Girls. Boys and girls. That is dangerous.
Prabhupada: Girls should be completely separated from the very beginning. They are very dangerous.
Prabhupada: No, no, no. No girls.
Prabhupada: Yes. They should be taught how to sweep, how to stitch...
Prabhupada: ...clean, cook, to be faithful to the husband.
Tamala Krsna: They don't require a big school.
Prabhupada: No, no. That is mistake. They should be taught how to become obedient to the husband.
Prabhupada: Little education, they can...
Tamala Krsna: Yeah. That they can get at home also.
Prabhupada: They should be stopped, this practice of prostitution. This is a very bad system in Europe and America. The boys and girls, they are educated--coeducation. From the very beginning of their life they become prostitutes. And they encourage.
Prabhupada: They distribute pills. I have seen the boys and girls dancing together, embracing, in the school film. That ruins the career. Both of them are ruined. That is very regrettable. Then you shall require this sterilization, pills, another big program. They are creating animal civilization, and when the animals are disturbing, they are trying to find out some other means. This is their program. First of all create animals. Then, when the animals behave like animals, then another program. Why do you create animal? Woman brahmacarini, this is artificial.

770430rc.bom Conversations
Prabhupada: So our gurukula should be ideal. Not all these boys... You should take care of these things from the very beginning--if you want actually spiritual life. If you want to progress like animals, that is different thing, as the whole world is doing. We want to maintain an ideal institution. People may see. In Christian idea also, the nuns were separate.

Srila Prabhupada's instructions are my solace as I struggle to raise my children. While some may see his words as irrelevant to today's world or in light of the failure of the ISKCON gurukula system, I don't.

Does anyone who claims to be a devotee of Krishna, a Prabhupadanuga, actually beleive that Srila Prabhupada did not know that Kali Yuga was going to progress?

Gopi

2007-05-22T19:08:00.000-07:00

Today the kids and I were out in the yard when we saw that an orange poppy had bloomed. The first of many to come. We then checked our pitiful strawberry patch, violated by some unknown animal with a voracious appetite for tiny white flowers. Surprisingly, there was an actual ripe strawberry. Venumadhava offered it and quickly ate it up while Madhumati slept in the back pack.

This lone red strawberry inspired me to go over to the farm and check the temple strawberry patch. At the maha garden clean-up, we discovered the patch and did a spring weeding. Isvari must have planted it as a cash crop because there were just so many plants.

Around 4 o'clock we waded into the patch, overgrown with neglect. Despite the abundance of weeds, Radha Damodara's strawberry patch was thriving. So many white flowers, the stalks heavy with green fruit. Venumadhava spotted ripe strawberries first and despite my talk before we went over to the farm, he began eating them while I set off to get a container for collection. According to him though, he did offer them.

Practically every strawberry plant had one of the stickly prickly weeds growing in the middle of it. I had to keep reminding the kids not to walk on the strawberry plants only to look down at my own feet atop shiny, dark strawberry leaves. There were just so many plants that wherever we placed our foot, there was sure to be a casualty.

We managed to pick about a quart of berries (and some daisys and purple mystery flowers for Prabhupada). We headed to the temple with me thinking that these berries would make Mother Kaulini happy. Not just ordinary upturned corners of the mouth happy but I was under the illusion that these berries, the first harvest from Radha Damodara's garden, would solve all of M. Kaulini's problems.

Yesterday when we visited M. Kaulini she seemed stressed out from all the responsibility she shoulders. In 30+ years at the farm, she has not slowed down a bit. In fact, due to the shortage of manpower around here, she is probably busier than ever. Yesterday, due to a transportation mix up, she had to fill in at the last minute to cook the evening offering. This is after dressing Jagannatha, milking, cooking raja bhoga, chanting and the usual cleaning up after Bhakta Nobody that she does daily. She still had to do the evening milking of two cows, plus who knows what else.

When we got to the temple, I instructed Venumadhava to take Madhumati to M.Kaulini's room with the berries, making sure not to let anyone eat any along the way. I went to the kitchen to make the vase and then went to M. Kaulini's room.

She was definitely happy about the strawberries and then surprised that they came from the temple garden. She asked if she could use some for Giriraja. She always asks if she can use something for Giriraja, she never assumes that the answer is a standing "yes." This made her even more excited. I was beginning to think that my strawberry plan worked.

Then she told me about Salauni. The calf isn't drinking much milk and is only nursing from the front teats. A mand from the Agway came out and looked at her today. She is really at risk of infection if we don't get the milk out. Her udder is very hard and the dripping milk is attracting flies. He advised M. Kaulini to milk her three times a day. Oh no.

It then became obvious that strawberries were not the solution.

We went to the barn with M. Kaulini, along with Sitala, a visiting devotee from S. Africa. Venumadhava's enthusiasm was infectious. He combed Kisori with Sitala, then asked M. Kaulini if he could milk with her. He was having so much fun milking that I joined in with Madhumati on my lap. The three of us milked Kisori and I realized that Madhumati is getting old enough that I could actually start milking with M. Kaulini on a regular basis.

After milking Kisori, M. Kaulini then held Venumadhava while they herded the cow out of the barn. The two of them then brought in Salauni and Premanjana, the playful and submissive calf. I massaged Salauni's milk bag while M. Kaulini milked her. Venumadhava stayed with Premanjana and stroked her satiny coat.

Everyone was having such a wonderful time caring for Krishna's darlings. While Venumadhava was leading Premanjana out by her leash M. Kaulini tapped Salauni's backside with her cowherd stick. Our joy reverberated off the concrete slab barn floor as Sitala, Madhumati, Venumadhava, M. Kaulini and myself headed outside to watch Premanjana run through the tall fresh grass, kicking her hind legs like a donkey.

The mood was relaxed and farm. The solution was not strawberries. The solution was cows. Despite the added service the calf brings (more milk, worrying about the calf, looking after Salauni's health, etc), Mother Kaulini's greatest happiness is these cows. She does not begrudge the service. The stress she experiences is not of the ordianary self centered "when do I get time for me" variety. Rather, she is truly worried about the welfare of Krishna's darling ladies, Salauni and Kishori.

Blog on blog, Serving Prabhupada, Japa Diet

2007-05-21T18:16:00.001-07:00

Today when I spoke with Kiriti Mataji on the phone she shared with me her appreciation for my blogging effort. Kiriti was actively looking for a house in the Gita Nagari area when a great opportunity came on the market in Emmaus. So, it is Emmaus for her and her family (for now). A few other devotees have expressed a positive response to this blog and that really encourages me. Advaita Prabhu said he appreciated it because it is more up to date than the Gita Nagari Website.

I appreciate the blog because it helps me locate Krishna within my day to day life. It helps me actually take a passing thought and make it my meditation for the day or even the week. The blog slows me down. The blog allows me to edit my life while it is going on, "Okay, this really isn't that important of an event in my day. Okay, this seems kind of big and anxiety producing but it is really just insignificant, mundane and, if I let this take over my mind, will only bind me more to this material existence. Okay, this is it, this is where Krishna is in my day."

Often I think of something Advaita Prabhu would say. "You will find what you are looking for." The blog helps me look for Krishna.

Today I found Krishna in my garden.

We have wonderful gardens planted around our property. Around 30 sq. ft. of peonies all about to come into a bloom of rani red (if you've never gone sari shopping, that translates into hot pink), hundreds of daffodils big and small, lillies, camelias, columbine, periwinkle, lilacs, wild flowers, concord grapes, apple and pear trees, two kinds of quince and maple trees a couple of hundred years old. Even our weeds are beautiful, with violets speckling our lawn.

As flowers come into bloom, I feel guilty leaving them on their stem selfishly enjoying their color, curvature and fragrance. Unfortunately, there is a part of me which resists cutting them for Krishna. For some reason, despite the bounty of our yard, I don't want to cut "too many" at one time. This is my miserly nature.

We picked the flowers today while I was on the phone. Normally I do not like to do Krishna's service while talking on the phone, but I have no excuse except to say that I did it.

Dhanurdhara Swami tells a wonderful story of attending M. Yamuna's cooking class in Vrindavan a few years ago. She said that talking on the phone or just plain prajalpa while cooking is an offense comparable to innatentive chanting. And Prabhupada never did that. There is a real potency in this story. Not only the content but hearing the standard of Srila Prabhupada transmitted through M. Yamuna and then again by Dhanurdhara Swami. Well, to not follow this...one doesn't have a leg to stand on.

The real meditation came when the kids and I took the flowers to the kitchen to arrange the vase. I am an awful vase maker. In Vrindavan, on Radhastami, I was once asked by Krishna Balama's pujari to make a set of vases. When I told him I was finished he looked at the vases as if I had put the flowers in upside down. Then he set about dismantling my arrangements. So, I definitely don't have an artistic flair for floral arrangement. Yet, being at Gita Nagari, I am not too worried that the vases will be met with any creative disapproval.

The flowers we picked were very colorful and fragrant, some flowering branches and the first peonies of the year. There were wild flowers from the brush area and lilies my husband transplanted from our house in North Carolina. Venumadhava helped put some of the smaller cuttings into the vase.

While arranging the flowers I was thinking how wonderful this service to Srila Prabhupada is. Prabhupada is so merciful, he lets a muci mother and her two muci children do some seva. I've never felt so much appreciation and reciprocation from someone I never actually met in person.

saksad-dharitvena samasta-sastrair
uktas tatha bhavyata eva sadbhih
kintu prabhur yah priya eva tasya
vande guroh sri caranaravindam

"The spiritual master is to be honored as much as the Supreme Lord, because he is the most confidential servitor of the Lord. This is acknowledged in all revealed scriptures and followed by all authorities. Therefore I offer my respectful obeisances unto the lotus feet of such a spiritual master, who is a bona fide representative of Sri Hari(Krsna)."

There are so many rules in Deity worship (which we are all about to learn more of when Nrsringha Kavaca Prabhu comes Thursday) but these same rules are not there to approach the Spiritua Master. In this way, the Guru is more merciful than Krishna.

I remember when my Guru took away my name. After some time of being in spiritual limbo, I humbled myself and apologized to him for all my offenses. His reply to me was that I should go before Srila Prabhupada and beg forgiveness, since the grandfather is more merciful than the father. Despite my lack of faith, I did this. I went into the temple room and begged Prabhupada's Murti.

Dhanurdhara Swami has encouraged us to look at our pasts and contemplate whether or not, given the opportunity to do it all over again, we would do things the same way. Of course, most of us have experienced difficulties and regrets. But can we understand how our life events have led us to where we are now spiritually? I think of this often. My past is so horrible yet today is settled, content and spiritually conducive. Sure, in some ways if I could change 1997 thru 2001, I would. But would I be here, at Gita Nagari, married to a very kind and sincere soul?

Without my offenses, without the unending mercy and kindness of my Guru, would I have ever developed any faith and attachment to Srila Prabhupada's Murti? Would I ever have kneeled before him with folded hands begging him to help me right my wrongs? Of course I always wish things went differently for myself. I am probably more in tama guna than in raja guna (although my body is always moving things forward my mind is constantly backpedaling). At the same time, without all the setbacks I've experienced, I don't think I would have very much to measure my spiritual life against.

Which naturally leads my mind to the topic of japa. Another late nite spent chanting japa means another missed morning spent chanting japa. I am thinking about my japa as one thinks about going on a diet. Every day I say that tomorrow I will begin rising early to chant my japa and every nite I go to bed grateful that I got my rounds completed, albeit at an hour that compromises any chance of early rising the next day. Right now my japa diet is very malnourished. Lots of empty calories, japa snacking throughout the day, but I am not really thinking about what is coming out of my mouth.

Jaya Jagannatha!

2007-05-20T20:04:00.000-07:00

This past weekend we attended the Baltimore Ratha Yatra. It was really great...the Deities had these wonderfully elaborate flower bracelets on, kirtan by Visnugada Prabhu, Gauravani Prabhu and Acuyta Priya Devi. Everyone had a lot of enthusiasm to bring Jagannatha back to Vrindavan, or at least to the spot of concrete in between Light St and Key Highway.

We decided not to bring any baby backpacks or strollers because a certain Gopi told me it was a short procession. This indeed is true. However, the cart stops every five minutes for about a half hour. After the parade was going on for fourty minutes Venumadhava had to pee. We used the same bathroom that we went to before the Ratha Yatra began...because we had only moved about 50 feet in that time. So with 2 kids and a bag full of 5 milk bottles, we were pretty weighted down. Nevertheless, we danced for Lord Jagannatha, at least as much as these aging bodies would let us.

We saw Balaramachandra which was a lot of fun and we got to meet Gauranga Kishore Prabhu. There were 2 buses of happy devotees from Philadelphia.

The kids did pretty well. Venumadhava would only wear green tilak, so, what the heck, it's a festival. Venumadhava danced a bit with Balaramachandra in front of the cart at the start of the procession.

The highlight of the day was,unfortunately, the paddle boat ride we took. This was my husband's idea and Venumadhava was thrilled. I, on the other hand, realized that I have a clenching fear of seemingly bottemless bodies of water. Especially with two tiny kids in tow (including a super tiny not even 2 year old who wanted to put her feet in the harbor). My anxiety heightened every time we approached the retired submarine and naval ship docked in the harbor. All that steel just made me want to vomit. Sorry, just have to be honest.

We got some nice pictures but am missing my USB cable on the new-to-me camera we just inherited from my brother in law (thanks, Paul!).

Today my in-law's and me took the kids to the National Zoo. We saw a panda eating bamboo, an elephant playing in water and orang utans transversing overhead ropes.

I came home to see our kitchen floor which had the last coat of finish applied after we left on Friday. Basically, it couldn't look worse even if we did it ourselves, thus proving that we should never leave the house or trust anyone while work is being done. I hope it gets fixed. I will call Heister House for some advice tomorrow.

Mundane.

This Old Farm: Salauni Calves!

2007-05-17T18:48:00.000-07:00

My husband went over to the farm around 6 to help M. Kaulini round up Paurnamasi. Paurnamasi is a very naughty calf and she was out and drank all of Kishori's milk. Jaya Gopal and Druhva were there to help, too. When they went into the field to get Paurnamasi, Druhva looked at Kishori and exclaimed that she was having her calf.

The nose and hoof was hanging out. The baby was born in the sac (I think that is considered auspicious, at least for humans...but I don't know where I heard that so maybe I am making that up...). The mama did not make any noise while birthing, she just did her natural work. The birth took about 20 minutes, not long at all.

I am so happy things went smoothly because M. Kaulini has been googling cow births and reading all kinds of scary stories. She was getting really worried about Salauni. Salauni seemed ready for the last few days, shifting around a lot, doing the mama dance. But this morning her udder was pouring out milk, so we all kind of figured/hoped today would be the day.

This afternoon M. Ortrun and M. Kaulini stopped by after lunch and I said that I had to get my camera charged so that when the big event happened, I could take pictures. Of course, at 8:30 tonite when I went out to meet the new calf, the battery on my camera was dead. So, pictures to come...

The new calf is a girl (Jaya Gopal checked, although he said he could be wrong). He got the honor of naming her and he chose Anjana, after Hanuman's mother. When I went out to see Anjana I convinced M. Kaulini (it didn't take much convincing) to rename her Premanjana (salve of love). That sounded more Braj to me. Besides, no offense to Hanumanji's mata, but "ointment?" Nah.

Premanjana is sooo cute! She is dark. Blackish brown but the tip of her tail is white (Mother Kaulini said "like an ice cream cone) and her feet are white (Mother Taruni said "like lotus buds"). When Premanjana was born both mama and baby mooed at each other. When I heard this I started weeping. So sweet.

After Premanjana was born, Salauni slurped up all the afterbirth and Jaya Gopal and Druhva were grossed out (according to my husband). Also, M. Kaulini said that Salauni did not clean up her baby much.

When I went to see them it was getting cool out. It is supposed to get down to 33 degrees tonight, but I am sure Salauni will keep her baby warm. Salauni is so beautiful, the perfect looking Brown Swiss. Her milk bag is huge and I am sure it felt good to her to have her baby drinking. She was happily doing the mama moo when I saw her.

Premanjana's skinny butt reminded me of Madhumati's and M. Kaulini agreed. M. Kaulini can now go to Baltimore Ratha Yatra (yipeee) and soon Radha Damodara will have more milk than any of us will know what to do with!

Which reminds me, the other day I made butter from Kisori's milk. It was the first thing I made in my new kitchen, which is not totally completed yet, for Radha Damodara. We bought milk from the farm and I boiled it. The next morning when I looked in the pot it looked like saffron kheer. I shook the cream in a jar for about 15 minutes (with a bolt in the jar) and it all turned into butter.

I am just so happy about the oppulence of the cows. Gita Nagari is a pretty poor temple and the surrounding community isn't exactly rolling in it. Employment is not easily available around here and the devotees who live here all are making some kind of sacrifice materially to be at such a wonderful tirtha. Gita Nagari may not have much but anyone who has the privledge of sampling the Deity maha here can understand the oppulence of the cows-Brown Swiss no less.

The milk is pure and satvic. It is from cows grazing on the dham, milked by devotees in a loving mood. It is fatty and greasy and unlike anything you could buy in the store. It is what Krishna intended milk to be. When I gave my husband a mug of Kisori's "butter" milk the other day, he was initially hesitant to drink it. It was yellow, with bright yellow dots of grease floating on top. But then he had the realization that this is "real" milk, fresh from Krishna's cows.

Unfortunately, we are, generally speaking, so removed from what food really is. Fresh picked organic lettuce does not last for 3 months in the fridge like some store bought lettuce does (speaking from experience here). Milk is supposed to be fatty and fill you up. My son can drink bottle after bottle (yeah, he's 3 and a half and still drinks from a bottle...is that a problem?) of store bought milk, pee a lot but never get full. After a quarter of a bottle of milk from Kisori, he is satiated for a while.

This is something I think of often but has been on my mind especially after looking at my friend, Gopalnandini's blog: http://gofarm.blogspot.com. She gets to live close to Mother Bhumi with her family (including brother and brother's wife, the famous Gita Nagari devotee child-done-right Citra). They all have cows and Citra and Mathura and baby are organic farmers. Ahhh, the good life.

Mother Kaulini was just talking to me about Citra's mata, Mother Harakantha. She lived with her kids where M. Kartamisa lives now. She had a lot of cats and every Govardhana Puja she would bake pies for prizes for the competitons they used to have. And of course, she would win them all. Stuff like cow milking contest and log sawing. She beat all the men, especially Saci-suta. What a mataji!

All glories to Mother Kaulini, the Gopi who walks among us. All glories to Mother Taruni, who was out there tonite herding the cows. All glories to Mother Salauni for bringing Radha Damodara another beautiful cow. All glories to Mother Kishori who came over to lick the new calf and love her like her own. All glories to Mother Paurnamasi, the naughtiest calf who steals the hearts of everyone. All glories to Mother Gopalnandani, who sacrifices so much for a life loving cows. All glories to Mother Harakhantai, who raised the wonderful Citra. All glories to Mother Citra for giving me hope while raising my own children.